Once Upon a Time

My blog has forsaken me.

2010-09-15T13:23:00.002-05:00

I came today to post a new blog entry because I am taking a few day hiatus from Facebook. I get here to find....my cute little blog is an eyesore with a big ugly screen in the middle of it that says "Photo/Video not found- has been removed or deleted". I guess I need to go find another new template but in the meantime, I just deleted HTML and went with the basics. Otherwise, I would end up with another really super duper cute blog .....and no new post.

For those who follow on Facebook, it won't come as any surprise that my surgery date has come and gone and I am well into the final stages of recovery. Physical recovery at least. :-) I'm going back to work part time next week and then full time the week after. Please pray for me that I can get through it with enough energy and as little stress as possible! It's going to be difficult- but I know I can do it.

I just wanted to drop by and say HOWDY since I hadn't posted yet again in many moons. I thought about challenging myself to a post a day or a post a week committment- but I decided I probably better stick with trying to heal, recover, get back to work successfully after being gone almost ALL year long, and not lose my mind before I start making any other types of committments and biting off more than I can chew.....this is progress for me. Yay!

I'll be back and post either later this month or in the month of October, I know I want to blog about our State Fair experience this year....Fried Margarita anyone?

Much Love,
RD

iPhone 4....A review

2010-06-23T19:01:00.003-05:00

Okay....I have been dying, literally DYING, waiting for this phone to come out....so I may be just a tad biased. I'm not sure. But I do know one thing- I am BLOWN away. People have asked me "what the big deal is" and even called me names like "FREAK" (how rude! and yes, I know you are reading this and laughing Ms. AFFEI) because I have been so excited about this phone...but the excitement is totally justified....I promise. :-)

I have only been up and running for about an hour...but out of the box, the impression of the phone is: 1) Sleek and 2) Thin and 3) Decidedly Apple iPhone. I don't know how to explain that last one- it is just true.

Activation was SUPER easy- if you run into any problems, just re-start your computer and start with a fresh session of iTunes- it took less than 2 minutes, literally. Then the syncing takes a while longer depending on the amount of data you have before you start. Mine didn't take that long since I was upgrading from the older, 3G version that only held 8 gigs. Troy's took even less time because he has like nothing on his phone. While it is syncing, you can immediately notice a difference in the screen- it is like looking at crystal clear glass with amazing HD color. It is beautiful. I promise.

I turned on my wi-fi after I got it up and running (total time was less than 30 minutes I think) and I cannot even explain how fast the wi-fi is running. Like crazy fast. Like "I can't believe it really just did that thing that fast" fast. Crazy fast, I promise. Things are zipping right along, downloading at the speed of light, posting pictures and comments so fast, you double check to make sure you really did it....it's that fast. Significant improvement from my 3G phone.

FaceTime is an interesting little situation. WAY cool- and super easy to use- but WHOA- I was shocked to see my "end of day, worn out, been sitting in court all day and then walked across downtown to the parking lot in 100 degree heat to my car, and already washed off my make-up, face" staring back at me in High Definition when I hit the button to initiate the FaceTime call. I immediately said, "Oh HELL NO! Make it STOP!" It isn't for the faint of heart, that's for sure. Some of you blog readers who are impossibly cute and don't look a day over TWELVE even at our current age won't have a problem with this feature nor will the person on the other end of the line. People who have been working at CPS for 11 1/2 years and are aging by the second instead of the year....re-apply make-up (lots of make-up) before using FaceTime. Helpful tip number #104.

The screen that I alluded to in the activation/syncing stage is really beautiful. Everything is fluid, clear, bright, colorful....the screen is gorgeous. The apps look gorgeous. Texting is prettier. It is truly a beautiful beautiful beautiful screen. Troy referred to it as 3D when he first saw it because it really seems like the icons are standing out, floating on the screen. I have never seen a phone (or electronic/techno device) with a screen like this. It's crazy pretty. :-) Everything runs seamlessly, smoothly, etc. Like I said, it's crazy pretty!

The battery life we have all heard so much about and speculated as to its' merits....well, I have only been live now for (well, probably 2 hours now since I keep getting distracted writing this post) and the battery is still almost completely fully charged. I have taken about 10 phone calls, played 15-20 turns on WWF, organized all of my apps into folders, downloaded a few new apps, posted on FB, checked my email, taken video, and a few pictures. So, I'm loving the battery life right now (I'll keep an eye on this one though). For reference, I am on wi-fi, not 3G, at the moment.

I haven't tried out multi-tasking yet and I know a lot of apps are still trying to catch up to make it actually functional with the new phones and/or new OS. I gave up navigation in my car when I turned in the Lincoln for my Ford Fusion and I am thinking buying one of the apps sold on iTunes instead of getting a Tom-Tom or Garmin is going to be the way to go...especially with multi-tasking.

This last little tid-bit is applicable not only to the iPhone 4 but also to anyone who got the upgrade to iOS 4 as well. The making of folders for your apps is AWESOME. I have heard lots of people are complaining already because you can only put 12 apps in each folder....but it worked out fine for me and I am LOVING that all of my apps are now on one page (the home screen) instead of on 7 different pages.

If you are still on the fence about deciding whether or not to upgrade...I say, DO IT! You won't regret it! And the price isn't going down any time soon....they offered this one at a great price for the new edition to the iPhone line-up.

Happy texting (in HD!!!)! :-)

Hello out there...

2010-06-06T14:58:00.003-05:00

And here I come, crawling back again. Well, you can say one thing, I am consistent.

I wanted to take a moment and thank everyone who left comments on my last post. Some of you commented here, some emailed, texted, called, facebooked, etc., it was the largest response I have ever received to a blog post. Lots of people shared it with friends or loved ones who have suffered similar situations and they shared with others, etc., and people I didn't even know reached out to me to offer compassion and empathy or sympathy and shared their own stories of their heart-wrenching journeys. Some people really get freaked out about sharing information online, blogging, Facebook, etc., but I know for me, it has restored connections I would have never been able to maintain otherwise and that I have found sources of strength and been put on prayer lists I would have never been on otherwise. For that, I am SO extraordinarily blessed, lucky, fortunate, and grateful!

I went back to work on Tuesday, 5/25. It was one of the scariest things I have ever had to do. I didn't know what to expect, how I was going to feel, how I was going to make it through. Didn't know how people were going to react to me (angry because I had been gone? scared to ask me what happened? happy to see me? staring because I gained back 15 lbs dammit? supportive? Missed me?) and I really just didn't want to do it. I begged Troy. Literally BEGGED him to let me stay at home. He told me I would be driving him crazy within a month wanting to go back and to stop kidding myself. Whatever! So everything I worried and thought about was true, people did all of those things but overwhelmingly- the support and reception I received was SO positive. I know how hard my job is and having someone out makes it that much more difficult so I am empathetic to those who are frustrated by my extended absence. Unfortunately, for all involved, there isn't a thing I can do about it so I decided about 30 days ago to stop apologizing for it and let the chips fall where they may. And I am not positive people were actually staring at my once again way too big rear-end. But they probably were. It is humongous.

I have a new boss- and most people know I ADORED my previous boss and she is actually a dear friend of mine- so I was anxious and worried about the transition and wondering if I would like her or hate her or if she was going to micro-manage me and on and on. I had nothing to worry about- she is awesome. I really do love her and love working for her. Now, I have the best of both worlds- I have an awesome boss during work hours- and then I have my amazing friend who is no longer my boss so we don't have to always worry about work! Plus, now I can complain about my boss to my friend and not be griping about HER. LOL! It's great! Going back hasn't been NEARLY as difficult as I feared though I have had a couple of rough days and I do have to come home and rest for a little bit towards the end of the day...but all in all, it has gone better than I could have hoped for. My favorite quote, my life motto, "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me", has never served me better. For without Him, I am not sure where I would be right now.

I have an announcement to make, and it isn't an easy one. I wanted to make it here before I do it on Facebook. It has been hinted at and people have asked questions but I haven't been ready to discuss it with very many people yet. The last few weeks were rough. I am not going to lie, I wasn't sure I was going to make it through. Without God and Troy- I wouldn't have. I am smart enough to know that is true. There were days I wouldn't get out of bed. Wouldn't shower. Wouldn't eat. Okay. That last one is a lie. But I thought about not eating. It never quite worked out that way. But back to the reality of the situation. There were times I was so hysterical, I was crying so hard, I was throwing up. Laying on the bathroom floor and refusing to get up. Troy would bring me a pillow and a blanket and just sit there with me. We have been down this road before- after my ruptured tubal pregnancy in 1999- he didn't think he would ever "get me back". I went someplace far, far away and retreated within myself until I no longer knew who I was. Thank God Troy has stuck it out with me. Both then and now he has reminded me that having each other is all that ever mattered. That we were obviously put here, together, for a different, yet unknown reason, and that we have to stick together and be strong, and have faith, and trust in God. In HIS plan. Not ours. That there is something else we were put together to accomplish. That our love is so strong and so great- there is something we are meant to do together that requires both of us and doesn't include naturally born, biological children. For whatever reason. Only God knows, we may never. Sometimes, I will be honest, none of that has been easy. I get angry. I say WHY ME. Yep. I sure do. I know it is a selfish question. There have been times I didn't care.

I say all of this to let everyone know how we have been doing and what has been going on. People get annoyed when we don't show up for events. Or don't feel like having company. Or being company. Or talking on the phone. Or getting out of bed. But this is our journey. And we will travel it together in our own way. We stopped making excuses and apologies a while back. We decided it was no longer necessary and that we don't owe anyone an explanation for what we are feeling. It took me a looooooong time to understand- I am entitled to feel however I want for as long as I want and deal with my grief and my pain in my own way. I don't have to be "okay" just because it is easier for everyone else around me. I don't have to "get over it" just because other people want me to so they don't have to think about it anymore. It was a very freeing moment when I finally "got it" and surprisingly enough, once I did....I started feeling a little bit better! It gave me back a sense of control and "peace" over my life that was sorely lacking while everything I was living spiraled so far out of control, I didn't know what end was up or which was down. I won't say I am 100%. But I'm better than I have been in a very, very long time.

So. The announcement is that, after meeting with my doctor, my spine doctor, and two infertility specialists, we have made the decision to have a hysterectomy. The surgery is scheduled for August 3rd. I still wake up almost every day and wonder if I am making the right decision. And sometimes I think I am going to change my mind. But, I'm not. It's not only the right choice- it truly is the only choice. If you will please keep praying for us. For both of us because it isn't easy for Troy either and he doesn't have the same level of support and people he can talk to daily or let him have a nervous breakdown and cry like a hysterical chimpanzee on their shoulder. I don't know what a hysterical chimp cries like actually. But it sounded like a good comparison to the drama I have been known to spew out in fits of rage, anger, desperation, grief, sadness, loneliness, emptiness, brokenness, etc., etc., etc., so I threw it in there. But anyway, back on track, we need all the prayers and love and support we can get to get through this. I was going to try and go back to work in 3 weeks after the surgery (just because I felt guilty about leaving again) and we decided that was a BAD PLAN and I am taking the full six weeks to recover and be able to grieve the way I need to- however that may be at the time and give us time together to pray, and cry, and pray some more, and maybe even laugh together, before we move on to the next stage of our lives.

We are considering having a surrogate carry a child for us...but it is expensive. We will be saving $$$ for a very long time to make that happen. But I am having my eggs frozen just in case we decide that is what we want.

Otherwise, my vision right now is retiring in 18 years, when I turn 50 and am first eligible, and building a house on the lake with a swimming pool and hot tub, buying a couple more dogs and maybe a horse and just living our lives together. Traveling a lot. Having fun and enjoying what God DID and WILL bless us with. Doesn't sound too shabby when I think about it. If I could just get rid of this wrenching pain in my gut and hole and ACHE in my heart- I could probably even get excited about it.

Don't even know where to start.

2010-04-05T01:43:00.003-05:00

This post may not make much sense to you. It may not make much sense to me. I'm at a loss to really put into words where I'm at right now...but I thought maybe if I came here...and tried to write about it...maybe...I don't know...maybe I would have a moment of clarity...maybe?

I went in for the surgery last Tuesday and basically NOTHING went as planned. Those who know me well...or even kind of well can guess...I am a compulsive organizer and I like to have a plan for just about everything. If you have ever been on vacation or even a short trip with me...you know that I come prepared with a color coded and organized itinerary complete with map attachments and coupons sorted by day and activity. No. I'm not kidding. I do not like surprises...good ones or bad ones...and I like things to go just "so-so". Not always convenient in this thing we call life...but that's how I roll.

We had at least three meetings with my doctor before my surgery...not to mention the trip to the specialist where we got a detailed written "plan of action" complete with options that were prioritized by us and then shared with my doctor. We had a special "pre-op" meeting with the doctor where we finalized the surgery plan and then she came to visit me, not once- but twice, in the hospital before I went into the OR. My last words to her were, "I am going to be VERY not happy if this doesn't go as planned." Oh yes, she told me, no worries, everything will go as planned. Sigh.

Basically, whenever the doctor got into surgery, she didn't find what she was expecting to find. I guess that makes part of this make sense. She found something different and she thought it would be contrary to my best interest to proceed with our previously discussed game plan so she decided not to. However, and this is where I am so angry at times I can hardly speak, she did NOT fulfill what she had assured us she would do and leave the OR to discuss the available options with Troy. She simply went in after surgery and told him what she found and told him we needed to meet with her on the 13th to discuss our options. I guess I could lighten the mood a little at this point and share that after she left the room, Troy got out his phone, went into our Words w/ friends game and sent me a chat message: "You are gonna be SO pissed when you wake up." Poor guy. He was probably surfing the web for escape routes out of the hospital and possibly out of the country when he got done playing his next word.

To her credit, the doctor did come into the recovery room and share what she had found herself instead of leaving that task to a nurse or, worse, to my husband. I told her then I was not happy with her. She said she knew. Well. Okay. At least we are all clear on that.

I haven't talked much about what was actually found in surgery to many people. Frankly, a lot of it still blows my mind. Here is a little background: I had been told at age 21 (when I had my ruptured ectopic pregnancy) that I potentially had a uterine disease called "adenomyosis". It is basically the opposite of endometriosis and it is typically diagnosed only after hysterectomy and the uterus must be cut in half to confirm. That is the reason for the "potential" diagnosis. When I was 25 and had yet another emergency surgery, I was told at that point, the diagnosis was likely being confirmed and it had worsened. That is the point at which I was told I would likely never carry a pregnancy to term. The thing about adenomyosis is...usually woman over 40-45 are the ones who have this disease OR women who have had multiple (4 or more) full term pregnancies and deliveries. I, obviously, am neither of those two things.

***Note to reader: STOP READING NOW if you are squeamish or if you have absolutely NO desire to have intimate knowledge of my nether-region.***

During this surgery, I became my doctor's first case of confirmed adenonymosis in a patient under the age of 35, with no children, and with the disease visible upon inspection during a laparoscopy procedure with the uterus intact. It is highly unusual (oh the JOY of being special!). The reason it was able to be confirmed and is visible is that it is extremely advanced and my uterus has degenerated significantly. My disease is also so advanced that it has expanded to outside of my uterus and has developed it's own blood supply, including enlarged, swollen, and basically varicose veins. It is causing my blood not to flow correctly and it is thus back-flowing and pooling into my ovaries. It is visibly worse on the right hand side and this has been indicated as the source of my pain. The resulting secondary diagnosis is "pelvic congestive syndrome". This syndrome is known to produce the following: extreme pelvic pain, often to the point of debilitation (CHECK), multiple miscarriages (CHECK CHECK), unusual/abnormal ectopic pregnancies (ding ding ding), migraine headaches (oh YES), extreme fatigue (before I went on bed rest, in the weeks preceding that I had started having to take a nap in lieu of my lunch break, I was so extremely tired I could not function throughout an entire work day or even a normal "relaxing" weekend day, my sister had become convinced I had mono), extreme lower back and leg pain, muscular pain, and abdominal cramping. Before all of this transpired, I was waiting to get in with a rheumatologist to rule out rheumatoid arthritis before beginning testing for MS due to most of those symptoms listed at the end of the sentence. Basically, this "syndrome" encompasses every little thing I have had wrong with me that had me thinking I was either a hypochondriac or simply insane for the last 18 months.

In one way...we are relieved. We know what is causing my pain. It is identifiable. It has a name. It has treatment options. There are even photos of it confirming its' existence, showing my jacked up uterus in all of its' glory. Ewww. I know. I think Troy was secretly relieved she forgot to bring them with her when she came to talk to him. I doubt he will be so lucky on the 13th. When the doctor brought in the photos in 2003, he was carrying a turkey sandwich on white bread in one hand and the photos in the other. Ahhh. It's the little things we don't forget.

On the other hand. We are furious. The only "treatment" for this disease I have is a hysterectomy. There are no alternatives. There is only one cure. Only one way to provide relief without numbing my body into orbit with tablets and pills and patches and injections. If she would have upheld her part of the agreement and stepped out to speak with Troy...he would have told her to proceed with the hysterectomy immediately. He had his instructions prior to surgery and he had EVERY intention of seeing them through. He never got the chance.

Where does this leave us? We don't know. Troy is insistent we proceed with the hysterectomy as soon as is recommended for my body to endure surgery again. He wants our life back. He wants me back. He is SO tired of me being in pain he is about to pop. It kills him. He did a little magic act tonight trying to take my pain away and put it on himself instead. It didn't work. But I appreciated the effort!

As for me, I feel like I have been spun around in circles, blind-folded, and I don't know what end is up. I feel like I'm drowning and even though I can see the surface of the water...I can't get there, I can't get air. I can't breathe. We had a plan. We knew what we wanted to do. Why she chose not to follow through on that, we won't ever be able to fully comprehend. Part of me is wondering if it is because this is what God wanted for us. Another chance to make a different decision? We prayed about our other decision faithfully and believed we had our answer! I'm at a loss. I'm exhausted. I'm so tired I can't think straight. My body is so tired it can hardly function. My pain has increased substantially since surgery which was to be expected due to the aggravation of the area but it has only served to further confuse, upset, and scare me.

We meet with the doctor on the 13th to review our possible fertility treatment options to try and help us make a decision how to proceed. It seems that my doctor feels that I haven't tried "hard enough" yet??? Before everyone begins to comment that I need to get another doctor for a different opinion and perspective...that is already in the works. We are meeting with her on the 13th to get our options and my biopsy results and then we are switching to a specialist (reproductive endocrinologist) who has treated several of our friends and they have faith in. The doctor I have now wants us to keep trying until we are successful basically. Not sure what her back up plan is for us since we don't seem to be excelling under her game plan.

This is where I might start to ramble...because this is where things start to make no sense to me....how do I get a disease that people over 40 get when I am only 20 years old? I mean, I'm not 20 now, but I was when this started. How does that happen and why is there no explanation? Why did my doctor just blatantly ignore our wishes because she wants something for me that I don't know I have enough left to give?! If I make the decision to proceed with hysterectomy because I CANNOT. TAKE. THE. PAIN. ANY. MORE. Am I doing that because I am weak? Because I am not worthy? Because I am selfish??? How unfair is it to Troy that I make a decision to have a hysterectomy because I don't know how much more I can take??? Unless you have lost a child, you can never fully understand the loss that is attached to that and the EMOTIONAL toll and PHYSICAL toll that is pounded upon you. How many times you relive it. Wondering what YOU did wrong. Why YOUR prayers didn't work. What YOU could have done differently. Why God doesn't want to give YOU a baby. When you pick out names in a baby book and write them on a piece of paper like a 6th grader writing Johnny B Good's name next to hers in curly hearts and flowers and then your husband comes home from the hospital first and hides all the baby books and the little baby blanket and the papers with the names in a closet so you won't find them and have a freak attack when you realize that baby- your child- is never coming home. That you don't need that baby blanket. That the name you picked out that you loved so much can't be used again because it isn't fair to the baby you already loved so much you never even got to see, not even on a sonogram because the doctor wouldn't show you the monitor and just stared above your head and patted you on the knee with a gloomy look and turned to your husband who was fighting back tears and said "Drive her to the hospital. I'll meet you there." How many times can you go through that before you should really just be declared mentally insane and locked away forever? Why does my doctor think I haven't gone through ENOUGH yet? Am I just too weak? Too frail? Too....what? I don't even know.

I won't ever know why she made the decision she made on Tuesday. Perhaps it was to save us from ourselves. All I know is what we thought was a done deal is no longer even close. Now instead of agreeing on our plan, we are starting to have little arguments. Disagreeing about how to proceed. Him, wanting only for me to be okay again, and me, desperately wanting only to give him what I think he deserves from me. From his wife. From the woman who is SUPPOSED to be able to give him this. The one thing that had been keeping me going through all of this was that I expected to wake up on Tuesday free of pain. Our instructions to her were that we wanted any source of pain eliminated. I had been counting on that. Now, as I sit here crying all over my laptop keys, not only am I more confused and torn than ever...I am in so much pain I can't think straight.

Please do not feel that you have to comment on this post. I know that many people have never experienced anything like any of this and don't know what to say to someone who has or how to say it and are scared they may say the wrong thing. Some of you (I know because you've told me) are feeling guilty right now and it makes it hard for you to talk to me or come around while you are pregnant yourself, trying to get pregnant, recently had a baby, have a toddler, whatever the case may be. You are not expected to know what to say. There are no right words. Nothing makes it better. Nothing makes it okay. I promise few things can make it worse. Please know that I don't expect you to have words to make it better. There are some who DO understand please don't think I don't know that. I have considered making a blog post with the Top Ten things NOT to say to a woman struggling with infertility. It would provide a comic relief across both sides of the aisle while serving as a tool to help both sides communicate as well. I promise you, this reality we are living in has been a lonely existence despite the love and support we have. I can't explain it. That's just how it is.

For now, I will close with what I am begging you NOT to write here. Please don't tell me that if it is God's will, it will happen. While I recognize that is true...please understand that it makes me (us) question why WE aren't worthy in God's eyes. Please don't say, "If you just pray about it. It will happen." We have. Don't make us think we aren't praying right. Or maybe we need praying lessons so if you think so, maybe that's okay to say. I'll take that into consideration. Please don't say, "You can adopt." No one knows this better than us. But it is my RIGHT to feel as though I should be able to give my husband a child who has his eyes, his kindness, his talent for playing soccer, my IQ (ha, had to throw that in there), and our BLOOD. I'm not saying we won't consider it eventually. But right now, I need to be okay with wanting that. And when I can't have it....I need it to be okay with everyone for me to MOURN that loss....because that's what it is.

I said I was going to close with the above. But instead I will close with this. I know we have asked a lot of all of you lately. I'm going to ask again. Please pray for us. Please pray for us to have clarity. Pray for us to be strong enough to make it through this difficult situation together like we always have. Pray it doesn't divide us. Pray the pain (emotional and physical) gets less and that we find peace. I thank you. A million times, I thank you. Thank you for letting me get this out. Now, if you'll excuse me. I need to go blow my nose.

Signed,

Dazed and Confused AKA RD

P.S. A lot of things are probably spelled wrong in this post. I also didn't proof read it. Please forgive me. :-) Thanks.

Lessons I had already learned

2010-03-28T01:50:00.003-05:00

Today I learned a bunch of new stuff. Only thing is...I already knew all of it!

1) Our house is sooooo NOT child proofed. Child Proof. Child Proofed? Which ever. It's neither anyway. Burim was here for 3 1/2 hours today. Enough said. My poor sister at one point sighed in exasperation and said, "Lord! Is everything in this damned house breakable?!" I looked around and sure enough....that pretty much appears to be the case. He was truly an angel in spite of it all. Nothing was broken or even damaged. Yay Burim!

2) If I eat a half bag of whoppers, I will get a tummy ache. Whether or not they are disguised as Easter eggs and painted pretty colors, this will happen. I am not saying I found this out by actually DOING this today. I'm just saying this is true and it's something I already should have known.

3) I love my sister and Burim more than should be allowed to love two other human beings. I had missed them so much. When they came today...everything was right and part of my soul lit back up. I told Burim, "Burimi, I missed you so much!" and he came to me and hugged me and said, "Becca. I missed you too!" It broke my heart. I am SO ready for this madness with my current situation to be over...I cannot ever go this along again without seeing my dear sister and her beautiful child. They bring me joy. I knew this already...but I remembered again today. Oh boy did I! (P.S. SHANNON you look GREAT! Keep it up!)

4) I'm scared to death for Tuesday to get here. I knew it deep down this whole time...but today it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been going on and on about how ready I am to be over and done with the situation...but I am terrified. My stomach is in knots. Then, Mr. Helpful, otherwise known as Troy Boy...asks me tonight..."are you scared?" and I whispered, "Yes. I'm terrified." I'm sitting there waiting for the reassurance, the hand squeeze, the speech about how there is nothing to worry about and it will all be fine, and it doesn't matter what happens anyway because all we need is each other and nothing will change that, the same speech he gives me every day of my life. But, I'm waiting in vain. He won't look at me and says, "Yeah. Me too." WHAT?! I pause for a second, give him the evil eye, and say, "Are you playing around right now? Cuz that ain't funny!" But no. He isn't playing. So, we took yet another moment of silence and prayer and gathered our wits about us. The man deserves the chance to not play superhero for a moment and let me know how he really feels. He will likely have to make some life altering decisions on Tuesday all by his lonesome and I know that is a tremendous burden for him to carry. He just wants so badly for me to be "alright" again and I know he is just treading water waiting until the moment the Dr. comes out of the OR and gives him the skinny. To be honest...I think I am the luckier one in this situation. I cannot imagine being in his shoes. Waiting there to hear the news. Knowing he has to tell it to me when I wake up. Please pray for him. We have been over it a million times, we have prayed faithfully. He has his instructions. My dad has been given his instructions in case Troy forgets his instructions. It will be okay. But every little bit will help. It will be here before we know it at this point now. Tuesday will come and we will have our answers. Whether we are ready to hear them or not. I knew I was scared. I just forgot until today. Maybe I will forget again until it's over. That sounds like a GREAT plan. I am going to go with that one.

Much Love.

Next time....Read the label.

2010-03-23T14:02:00.003-05:00

Oh my. How many times am I going to come sulking back to this place I call my blog and mumble below my breath...whoopsie, it's been another 60 days since my last post...I'm going to do better...really, I am.....Sigh. Probably no one believes me any more. Probably no one will see this apology and my promise to do better because all five of my faithful followers have probably given up on me. I love writing this blog...why do I spend so much time away? I actually do have an answer to explain my absence of recent and I had lots of things I wanted to blog about...but I was scared that instead of the process being cathartic...it would be painful and I am being honest when I say...I just didn't think I could handle it at the time. I will write more about that in another post...and I think I am to the point where it WILL be cathartic so that is a GREAT thing!

Since I have been here last...here is the run-down on our life:

1) I went on bed rest 1/25

2) Still on bed rest 3/23.

Exciting huh?! Yeah. Not so much. I had Troy check me for bed sores yesterday. Well. I asked him to. He said no. I don't think I have any. But I could be wrong! I guess we'll never know...

But for real now...since I was here last, Mr. Blake finally went over 5 lbs (yahoooo!), little Maddox turned 6 months old yesterday and is still trying to find his way past 3 1/2 lbs, and Bailee continues to just stare at the wild animals who have infiltrated her peaceful (read: LAZY) existence. It is quite the sight to see our 80+ lb lab mix sitting in one spot, holding court, looking bored, while the 3 and 5 lb puppies sit on top of her or chase her tail and give her kisses and jump on top of her and chase her tail and well, you get the picture. It has definitely brought some excitement into our lives.

I also invested (and I do mean INVESTED) in a new camera since I've been gone...a Nikon DSLR D90 and it is one of the greatest purchases I have ever made. I am chomping at the bit waiting for the bluebonnets to arrive so I can drag my puppies and my husband out for what I hope are going to be a-maz-ing photographs. If I ever leave the house again...but that's a different story.

Well, I just wanted to stop by and say hello to my fans (hahahaha) and start wiping the dust off of my typing skills and my blog...I have had a few ideas about blog entries...but mainly while I was sleeping (But I remember they were GREAT IDEAS!) and now I can't remember them. But...my dear husband (God bless him for his care of me and this house over the last 2 months) suggested a topic near and dear to his heart...."Next time...read the label"....so, in his honor...I will oblige.

I will preface this story by reminding you that I have been on bedrest now for 7 weeks. Maybe longer. I got tired of counting. But this means that Troy has had to do EVERYTHING for our house since that time. Grocery shopping,cooking, if we cook, laundry, etc., etc., etc., which are not things that he does as a matter of regular practice. Yes, he helps me with ALL of those things...but having them be solely his responsibility has been a challenge to say the least. Our dishwasher (one year old mind you) also broke about 6 weeks ago...and that didn't help matters much. I will also remind you that I have been on bed rest for SEVEN weeks. I have not been working. I have not been playing. I have been going....out of my mind insane. I am NOT a person who can stand to be bored by nature and I have not done a good job of keeping my crabbiness at my current isolation and "grounding" to myself. Yes, I am admitting. I have been a little testy. I can be a little testy on my best day...so that isn't really saying that much...but my sweet husband Troy is rarely testy. Ever. He is rarely in a bad mood. Ever. He is happy-go-lucky. He is a nice guy. He is calm, cool, collected. We are a good balance for each other that way...if you get my drift. :-)

Over the last few weeks....Troy has been slightly....ummmm. Shall we say stressed? He actually admitted to me that he is more stressed out now than he has ever been in his life. For the most part, he has been able to shoulder that well and just keep on trucking. He has been a little shorter than usual...and his patience with others has not been as good as usual (I am sure this is because he is using every ounce available on ME), and I've been known to describe him as "grouchy" over the last several weeks. Hey. I just call it like I see it.

I don't know if some of you from other areas are familiar with "Chicken Express"...I sure wasn't until a couple years ago. You would think a place called that would be famous for, well, really fast chicken I guess? But no. What they are famous for is their tea. They have the BEST ice (yes, better than Sonic, we buy it by the bag and fill our ice maker with it) and they sell their tea in big huge Styrofoam glasses for like a dollar or you can buy it by the gallon. We do both. Now. If you can drink their SWEET tea straight up...I promise you are a better woman than me. We get it unsweet and add either Splenda or Sweet and Lo depending on whether your name is Troy or Rebecca. We go there at least once a week, sometimes twice. We *always* get the following: 2 large unsweet teas and one gallon of unsweet. It is the highlight of my day when I get that big beautiful cup of iced tea with the best ice in the world especially when my current daily excitement consists of someone winning it big on the Price is Right.

Last Tuesday, I went into the kitchen (breaking the rules, yes, I know but I was thirsty doggone it) and poured myself a lovely glass of Chicken Express tea from our brand new gallon, added my one and a half packets of sweet and lo and went to imbibe in the awesomeness. BLECH! I obtained two cavities immediately (I don't have PROOF of this...but that's what I think happened). I looked at the gallon and saw it very clearly said "Sweet Tea". I sent Troy a text message. "Babe...did you know this tea is sweet?" The response comes back, "Um no, ordered un, why would I buy 2 large un and 1 gallon sweet. that's stupid." Um. Okay. Well, I'm going to need him to go get another gallon of the appropriate un-sugared tea STAT. I am going to into caffeine withdrawal already and it's only been 30 seconds. My point is...this is an emergency.

Troy calls me later that evening from the Chicken Express where we visit at least 6 times a month. There is something a little frightening about his voice. "I'm going to punch this guy in the nose", he tells me. "What?! We don't have bail money Troy! I have to pay $1000 for surgery!" He tells me the following recollection of events that went down at the local Chicken Express. I am really hopeful this isn't just the Reader's Digest version and there aren't "Wanted" posters of my husband all over the Mid-Cities area. Remember I told you he is a tad grouchy? :-)

Troy: Hey man, I was here yesterday and I got two large teas and a gallon. Y'all gave me sweet instead of unsweet for the gallon. I need a gallon of UN-sweet tea please.

Chicken Express Ding Dong: So you just want to buy a gallon of unsweet tea then? Or you want the two large teas too?

Troy: Naw man, I already BOUGHT the gallon of unsweet. Y'all gave me the wrong one. I'm going to buy 2 large teas again but I need the right gallon of tea please.

Chicken Express Idiot: I don't understand.

Troy: What do you mean?

Chicken Express kid: So you just want to buy two teas and a gallon of tea?

Troy: No. I want to buy two large teas. I want the CORRECT gallon of tea from what I bought here yesterday. Do I need to go home and get it and bring it back up here?

Chicken Express doofus: So....ummmmm....You want it for free or something?

Troy: No. If I wanted it for free, I would ask you for a REFUND. I already PAID FOR IT. You gave me the wrong one.

Chicken Express jackass: Well, I don't know who did that. Or if that was our fault.

Troy: I don't know who did it either. I'm sure it's nobodies fault. It was an accident. I just need another gallon of tea man.

Chicken Express kid not realizing he is getting closer and closer to imminent bodily harm: I need to talk to the manager if you want it for free man.

Troy: Stop saying I want it for free. That is really starting to tick me off.

Chicken Express soon-to-be-punched-in-the-nose-ding-dong: Oh. So you just want to buy one then? I don't need the manager for that.

Troy (turning into the Incredible Hulk I am sure): Can I speak to the manager please?

Chicken Express Very Annoying Child: Oh sure. (Goes to get the manager who is about 6 ft away. Tells the manager...this guy wants a gallon of tea for free. This is when Troy calls me)

Manager: What's the problem sir?

Troy: I was here yesterday. Like I am every Monday. You gave me the wrong gallon of tea. I just need the right one. I will be glad to bring the wrong gallon back if needed.

Manager: Oh. Okay. You want sweet or unsweet?

Troy. I. Want. Unsweet. Please.

Manager leaves. Foolish boy returns with the tea and tells Troy: Next time sir...you should really read the label.

Well. He did say sir.

Toodles for now...I'll be back...what! I promise!

xoxoxoxo,

New Year, New Blog, New ME!

2010-01-07T17:55:00.004-06:00

Happy 2010 everyone! Hope everyone had a fantastic holiday season and is off to a raring start in the new year and new decade!

We had just about the most amazing holiday season I can remember in our young marriage....kind of interesting because money was REALLY tight this year and we spent less money than we have spent the entire time we have been together. Put it into perspective for me what it was really all about....a good lesson to be learned and remembered.

We had a white Christmas this year which was pretty amazing, I don't believe it had ever happened before since I have lived in Texas. It was coming down so hard on Christmas Eve, we kept joking we were in a "blizzard". Then, unexpectedly, the roads froze solid while we were at Shannon's house celebrating that night, and it took us over 30 minutes to drive the less than 3 miles from her house to ours to get home safely. I couldn't believe it!

We celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary this past NYE and it was an amazing day and amazing evening. We ate dinner at the Melting Pot and they went over and above my wildest dreams for excellent service to celebrate our special night. It was a night we will remember for a very long time!

I made some pretty heavy duty resolutions this year....and I am very committed to seeing them through to reality. It is not going to be easy...and I can use all the help and support I can get. SO- if you see me doing something I am not supposed to- CALL ME OUT on it! Make me hold myself accountable. I need to be stronger in my spirit to take care of ME and keep my priorities straight, I am WEAK when it comes to this. I know I am a strong person overall- so I know I have the capability, I just have to DO IT!

My first resolution was a shocker to many people- I am NOT going to work on the weekends in 2010. At all. I am not going to check email, not going to read cases, not going to staff cases with workers, not going to THINK about work. For some of you who might not be aware....this is a HUGE deal....I have been working at CPS for 11 years now and I do believe I can name the number of weekends I did NOT work on one hand....and by that I mean two fingers. I am a admitted workaholic and I am total obsessive compulsive control freak when it comes to my email and to my to do list. Those things are just going to have to sit there over the weekend and wait for me to view on Monday morning. It is going to be hard. Very hard. I am on the right track, I haven't signed on since 12/31. Today and yesterday were really hard. It is almost like I am FEENING to check my email! What the heck?! Craziness. There will always be some TRUE emergencies that warrant my attention and this doesn't mean I am going to neglect the very important tasks and responsibilities I am charged with. It just means I have got to have a LIFE with Rebecca and I really need that time to focus on my family as well. My husband has been sorely neglected over the last 11 years....and it is time to make up for a lot of that. It is long over due!

My second resolution was to be a better person by doing the following things: 1) Do not engage negativity or negative persons 2) Do not create negativity 3) Putting my priorities in the right order, which means God first, and Troy and I second. The rest falls below those two things and that is how I will be living my life from this point forward. 4) Not allow my emotions to be controlled by others. I alone am responsible for them.

I have found, particularly with #4, that it is falling into place quite nicely and it ties in directly with items #1 and #2. I refuse to allow myself to be controlled by others at this point in my life. It is LIBERATING to feel this way and to have actually put that into action has been freeing of great proportions.

My third, and final, resolution (Golly, I hope I have not set myself up because this list is long and filled with CHALLENGING THINGS!) is to get healthy in 2010. I am not going to say "lose weight, diet, exercise, etc., etc." because while those things ARE what I need to be doing, the real important part of all of that is the end result- health. I am hitting WW again with gusto this week and I DO hope to have this last 60 pounds off this year. Troy and I are committed to the journey together- and I do believe that makes all the difference.

Lastly, a little bit of surprise news for you blog followers. :-) A new addition will be joining our family next Friday. Maddox is a 15 week old Biewer Yorkshire Terrier and he is being shipped to us from Michigan. He is pretty much the most gorgeous thing I have ever laid eyes on and I cannot wait for him to join our family. He is a TINY fella and he will only be between 3 1/2 and 4 lbs when he is full grown. Exciting and scary rolled into one! I cannot wait to hold him for the first time and I just know that he and Blakers will quickly become best friends and they are going to have a rocking good time. Momma is going to be tired! But since I will have all that free time on the weekends now....I should have time to squeeze in a nap....or two. :-)

Oh, and by the way, I did change the name of my blog. I decided it was pretty fitting to name my blog after a fairy tale....because at this point, I feel like I am living in a dream and I want to savor every minute of this story! Yes, I am aware that I am spoiled rotten...but I must say....it feels good to be spoiled every once in a while with the stress I am under day in and day out in the harsh realities of my job. God Bless my husband for taking such good care of me....I couldn't do it without him....and, honestly, I wouldn't want to!

Happy New Year everyone! Hope you are all healthy, happy, and blessed!

Slacker

2009-12-22T18:53:00.003-06:00

Okay, okay. I know. I have been slacking. I PROMISE I am going to be back in full force over the next couple of weeks. Work has gone completely insane (seriously people- it is Christmas! Can't people stop abusing their children just for the MOMENT? It makes me crazy!) and I am so exhausted at this point, I hardly have enough energy to lay down at the end of the day and I am pretty sure I have fallen asleep sitting straight up a couple of times in the last several weeks. Thank GOD for my husband- he is a saint every year around this time- and he pretty much takes care of every last minute detail so that everyone gets a gift, it is actually wrapped in Christmas paper, we have food to eat, and gas in the cars to get us where we need to be. Every year I remember just how truly blessed and lucky I am- despite the madness of the season. I am so grateful Troy always has my back.

I always have to work the week of Christmas because I cover for my best friend this week and she covers for me next week, which is our anniversary. Well, mine and Troy's that is. Not mine and hers. Our is Sept 1. That's a whole different story. Anywho, it has worked out just that simply for the last 10 years, I work this week, she works next week. But, this year is the closest I have ever come to NOT being allowed to take off time for the holidays- my workers were SO far behind- I wasn't sure how they would ever get caught up. But, apparently, if you work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for a month straight- you get pretty close and my time off (and theirs) was approved after all. Thank goodness, I was getting ready to need SICK time as I was pretty sure I was headed to the looney tunes house in short order. My body is pretty close to just totally shutting down on me and refusing to move another inch until I rest. I have promised it that I will do just that as soon as Saturday rolls around. I just need it to hang in there with me for another three days. Please send prayers it actually does!

This week, we are celebrating our very first Christmas without our beloved Buster Brown. We have had him every single Christmas that we have been together as a couple- even before we were married. He was always so much fun on Christmas morning, he would tear into his gifts and grab the toy out from the paper and then run off like a wild dog squeaking it and playing like a pup. Bailee has never been the brightest bulb and she pretty much doesn't understand the whole opening gifts part and besides she is way too lazy to exert much effort to get to the actual gift if it is under some sort of disguise. She will gladly just sit there patiently and wait for you to unwrap it FOR her and hand it to her. I am also sure she would be just as happy to have you squeak it for her and she surely isn't fetching- anything. I am willing to bet that Blake will think the paper is the actual present and he will be running around the house like the paper bandit thinking he is really getting away with something, leaving the toys behind in his dust. Troy is making me take him to the groomer again before the week is up (he is a real stickler about this grooming thing. UMPH) so he will at least be nice and cute while he is running around with wrapping paper on Christmas morning.

I am SUPER excited about Christmas with Burim this year and I cannot wait to see the look on his face on Christmas morning after Santa visits. It is going to ROCK! I feel so privileged that my sister lets us take part in that on Christmas morning- I know a lot of people that don't have others over when their kids open Santa gifts- and I think we are lucky to get to be there and see it first hand.

I am the on call supervisor on Christmas Eve this year, so I have to make it through one additional day more than normal before I can start to enjoy the holiday with my family and 4:01 PM on Christmas Eve just simply cannot get here fast enough. I cannot wait to be off of work and enjoy quality time with Troy. These are the only days he is off of work all year long and we have big plans that involve sleeping in, napping during the day, and playing Super Mario Brothers and Guitar Hero until the wee hours of each morning. We will celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary on the 31st and I guess this is just what old folks do for fun. :-)

Merry Christmas everyone- I hope your holidays are filled with peace, joy, laughter, love and blessings. I love you all.

B

Hello out there!

2009-12-02T18:55:00.002-06:00

Hope everyone had a super duper fantabulous Thanksgiving. I know we sure did! Dinner/lunch went off without a hitch and everything was fabulous. My sister AND Burim ended up being able to come for the meal and my heart melted when Burim told his mother he wasn't ready to go home because he needed to stay at Becca and Uncle Troy's house a little longer to "have Thanksgiving". All together now.....Awwwwwwww! Right? I know! Uh huh! Love that kid. His mom isn't too shabby either. We had an amazing day with our family- such a blessing!

We did our big Black Friday rush- even though we got a late start at 7:30 AM. I still threatened to hurt Troy when he woke me up at THAT time. It took one VENTI peppermint white chocolate mocha (nonfat still of course) to get me back into functioning mode and stop being crabby McCrabster. Despite heading out after the sun went up- every single "deal" we wanted was still there and available. It was like we couldn't go wrong. We even stumbled into Academy Sporting Goods and found a huge clearance section and got Troy work-out shirts (NIKE!) for under $2 a piece. It was insane. I FINALLY got my "Flip" video camera- YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY and I can't wait to start using it. We also got the "door-buster" HP printer at Best Buy and I am in heaven salivating about being able to print again. Wouldn't you know it has been almost a week and I haven't needed to print anything yet though? I think I will just start printing willy nilly just to get my money's worth...even though I did get it for 50% off.

My one TRUE LOVE (kidding....kind of), Bath and Body Works, is where I scored the biggest savings. I accidentally picked up the wrong stack of coupons when we left that morning and I was near hysteria (this is SERIOUS people!) when I walked in and realized it. The manager recognized us (yes, I am aware this is NOT okay) and I blurted out my dilemma. She was all, "No problemo! We got ya covered!" and I almost kissed her but Troy yanked me back and shot me the "stop acting like a psycho" look. Umph. When I got up to the check out line with all of my little separate orders so I could use all of my little coupons the checkout girl said I could just use them all on one order. I was like....ummmm, how is that going to work? They are for 20% off? She said she would just.....wait for it......give me SIXTY PERCENT OFF (20 for each coupon)!!!!! I about FELL OUT. When it was all said and done, I got $925 worth of merchandise (full price) for........(drum roll please).........$126. I was on a deal getting HIGH for the rest of the day. Best shopping day EVER! Of course, all of this shopping was made possible by my super fabulous husband winning the Thanksgiving Day bowling tournament. Even though I was dead on my feet, I stood up and cheered for that news at almost midnight. Yes, I was at home alone in my pajamas. I still did it. Doesn't get much better than an unexpected windfall of cash the night before the biggest shopping day of the year. All of our Christmas shopping is DONE except for two things. That is pure greatness right there.

After we collapsed from shopping, cooking, entertaining, etc., etc., etc, wouldn't you know it....I got sick. Again. Of course. Ugh. So, I extended my Thanksgiving holiday by another two days, sucked down Nyquil and Gatorade, and didn't go back to work until today. All I know is my holiday vacation cannot get here fast enough because today......whew. It was a whipping. I keep trying to remember that new found wisdom from April....remember that? But it seems to be escaping me right about now. I am TRYING to do some things for myself in between saving the world and the universe....like TRYING to keep dieting (I gained three pounds over the last three weeks- YIKES) and enjoying my puppy (he is a whopping 4.4 lbs now) and reading books to relax.

Right now I am reading the Victoria Laurie "Abby Cooper- Psychic Eye" series and I just found out yesterday that the series is based on her OWN life! She is an "actual psychic" and she does some work for the police department. Isn't that cool? She does professional readings for $140 but I don't think I want to spend money to hear more bad news. I'm pretty sure even though I say I want to quit my job, it totally isn't going to happen and I have a really sickening feeling people aren't going to stop abusing their kids anytime soon. Ugh. Anywho, I love these books and I think it is neat they are based on her life!

Well, that's about all that is new and exciting. Except today we ran out of Blake's potty treats- and in case you didn't hear the CNN news bulletin it was SNOWING in DFW today (i.e. I wasn't going ANYWHERE outside) so I had to bust out a new bag of different treats. He did his business (aren't you glad you are still reading) and I whipped out the new treat and acted all excited about it. I gave it to him and he glared at me (he really did), put the treat in his mouth....and wait for it......spit. it. out. Then he went back to glaring at me. Hmmmm. Methinks puppy is a teensey weensey bit spoiled. I am able to write this blog right now because my husband is out at the store. Which store you ask? Yeah. Petsmart. Getting more potty treats- the right ones.

Oh yeah- our espresso maker came via UPS today (of course he knocked on the door RIGHT in the middle of a telephone staffing with my BOSS- knocking on the door=dogs barking like idiots) and I can't wait to put it to use! Does anyone else have one or know how to use it? I am afraid we are espresso idiots! We are just trying to save $$$ on Starbucks and make my heaven in a cup here at the casita. That was ANOTHER good deal- if you haven't checked it out....eBay is doing "deals of the day" every day until 12/8 and they are all free shipping and no tax (unless you live in that state) and are HUGE discounts. This was a brand new espresso maker, regularly priced $400 and that is what they are selling it for at Bed Bath and Beyond and at Amazon, and we got it for $150. Now we just have to figure out how to use it!

Well, since it snowed today, I think I am entitled to a big steaming cup of hot chocolate WITH marshmallows. Actually, I kind of did that yesterday.....but I think because it SNOWED I can do it again today. :-)

Happy Holidays!
B

Haha, very funny

2009-11-19T20:29:00.003-06:00

Well, those who read my Thanksgiving post and laughed, I guess the joke is on me. Sigh. I won't even pretend that it isn't amusing, because I know it really kind of is. Who really thought I was going to NOT cook for Thanksgiving? Yeah. No one I guess. So, we are no longer going out to eat and I am now in full-fledged manic-mania-crazy mode. Running out of time rapidly but would I really be happy if it wasn't totally last minute madness? Of course not. I apparently (allegedly I should say) thrive on stress and adrenaline. Sooooo, I am making yet another Thanksgiving menu and need to make sure I get my list together soon....like.....now (would be good) and get my rear-end to the store before there is only 2 cans of cranberry and no cans of pumpkin left. I did get my turkey ordered, praise the Lord, and they told me tomorrow was the last day when I placed my order....so I am really glad I fit that into my ridiculous schedule this week instead of waiting till Saturday like Mr. Troy thought would be just fine. People are shocked enough that we aren't having dressing (oh sure, I know that will change by Thursday too, you can stop giggling now) I can't imagine what would have happened when they showed up to a nicely roasted chicken on Thursday. Happy Thanksgiving everyone, I will post my new menu soon so that everyone can giggle some more. HA ha! Very funny! NEXT YEAR we are going out to eat. Umph! Gobble gobble gobble!

Curious

2009-11-12T20:39:00.002-06:00

Did you ever notice that some people have a lot higher opinion of themselves than those around them have of them? Do you call this a) Confidence b) Egotistical or c) Delusional?

Just curious.

Things I am Loving

2009-11-11T16:28:00.008-06:00

Right now I am in totally in love with the following things....feel free to enjoy them all on your own too! I highly recommend!

Blakey (Oh. Wait. I digress. That one doesn't really count. Ahem. I will try and stay focused. It is just so hard because he is so darned cute! See for yourself! This is a picture after he came home from his first trip to the groomer- where he was an absolute angel. As I said the other day, he is my sugar pie, honey bunch, cuddle umpkins....you get the picture. I adore him.)

Blueberry and Cinnamon Sugar Bagels from Western Alternative Bagel Company (thank you to my sister-in-law for finding these for me!). I LOVE them and they are only 1 pt! I eat the blueberry ones with 1 TBS of ff strawberry cream cheese (.5 of a point) and the cinnamon ones with....wait for it....1 TBS of CHEESECAKE flavored cream cheese (1 pt and worth every drop). Yum yum YUM!

Turkey Burgers. We had NEVER tried these before this year and we have made them tons of different ways now and loved all of them! Thank you to AFFEI for sharing the first recipe that got us started and convincing me to live just a little bit and try something new. Man, am I ever glad I did!

Glee. Glee the show. Glee the people. Glee the music. I HEART Glee. If you haven't watched it yet- DO. It will make everything seem right with the world if for only one hour. It is hilarious, fun, silly, and smart. It is the most awesome show I have seen in a long time. I downloaded the CD they released last week and it has been blowing UP my iphone. It is fabulous and you can't help but smile, tap your feet, and sing along while you listen. Don't believe me? Just try it!

The Mentalist- this show is hilarious. I love it. I need to send Patrick Jane out with my workers!

Silly books about the paranormal. I have read all of the Stephanie Plum series (the holiday books are filled with paranormal activities), and all of the books ever written by Charlaine Harris. Now, I am reading the "Bewitching" series by Madelyn Alt and "Abby Cooper, Psychic Eye" by Victoria Laurie. I am reading these to give me some sort of an escape from my dreary, sad, and oft painful work life which involves reading about 40 cases a week that detail investigations of child abuse. I needed a diversion and I am finding it again in my old love- READING! I am trying (trying HARD) to make it a daily part of my life again and I am finding so much joy from doing so. Yay!

Finally, and hold on to your hats- because this one is the chart topper. Cover the kiddos' eyes because it is about to get rated PG-13. You have been warned! Solo. Grande. NON-FAT (that part is important, LOL). PEPPERMINT white chocolate mocha- no whip please- from Starbucks. This drink is....pure bliss. Orgasm in a cup. Heaven on Earth. What I believe must most definitely be served as the beverage of choice on the other side of the pearly gates. It is the most ridiculously amazing thing I have ever tasted in my life (okay Lorren, EXCEPT the chocolate chip cookie dough cheesecake, but they aren't making that anymore so it has been replaced!) and I could drink one every day until I die. Unfortunately, it is only on the menu two or three months out of the year (might actually be a good thing), AND (worse) they are 8 pts a pop which is about how many points I should be having for dinner, and they say you really shouldn't drink your calories. For this, however, I will make an exception. I will eat zero point soup every day for three months just to enjoy this luxury. Ahhh, peppermint white chocolate mocha. I love you. I was in line the very first day this drink came back on the menu at Starbucks and I am pretty sure I have been back every day since. I am hungry as all get out but my taste buds are in pure euphoria. I did order sugar free white mocha and peppermint syrup from Torani online today. I am willing to give it a chance, for the sake of the size of both my bank account and my rear-end. But if it isn't up to snuff, back to the Starbucks line I go!

If you haven't tried these things yet, go on and make your heart and your tummy happy! Enjoy!

Love this kid

2009-11-08T20:38:00.003-06:00

Yesterday, I called my mom on her cell phone to discuss my trauma over Troy making Blake go to the groomer for the first time and get some moral support. I was TERRIFIED they were going to.....heck. I don't know what I was so worried about but he is my little baby and I was nervous as all get out!

I found her watching Ice Age 3 with Shannon and Burim at their house. She endured my whining for a few moments before telling me she had to go and would talk to me later. UMPH! I was indignant while I was hanging up when I heard hollering in the background, "Are you still there? Hello?! Rebecca, did you hang up?" and I think she has had a change of heart about wanting to humor me for a few more minutes and I say, "Yes! I am here mom!" The next thing I heard was, "Hi Becca!" in this little bitty voice of pure, unadulterated sweetness and my mom says, "That was all, Burim just wanted to say hi." Then, I hear him tell his grandmother, in the most matter-of-fact and educational tone of voice, "She's my aunt." I busted out laughing and he made my whole entire day. My mom pretended to actually be educated by this information because, well, that's just what grandmas do.

Have a great week everyone. Hope someone brings a brilliant smile to your face over something as simple and pure as this.

Love,
B

A change is gonna do you good

2009-11-04T09:20:00.013-06:00

Well, yesterday, I bit the bullet and made a decision. We are going out to eat for Thanksgiving. GASP!

Every year, I host Thanksgiving at my home and I make myself crazy (and spend a ton of $$$) making a humongous meal that is way too much food for any one family (or three or four) to eat. I love it. I have done it two days after being in a car accident that totaled my car and sent me to the ER in an ambulance. I have done it three days after having surgery on my jaw which caused nerve damage and I couldn't feel my face. I have done it two days after my great-grandmother passed away because we "already had the food" and we might as well cook it and eat before we loaded up for the trip home to Illinois. I have done it after working until 3 AM the night before because a case blew up before I could escape the office for the holiday.

Yes, I am a glutton for punishment and most would say I am just a martyr and like the madness. :-) I do think a lot of that is true, but mostly, I love to do it. I like the fact that I can single-handedly (okay my husband might take offense at that part because I do put him to work like I am the Nazi Chef in the Soup Kitchen on Seinfeld barking orders like a lunatic, "Stir that pot! Take that out of the oven! I need the blue pan not the green one!") put on a feast for 5 to 15 people and it tastes great and looks beautiful and everyone enjoys the meal and has a great time. It reminds me of my grandmother and makes me feel close to her every year when I carry out this amazing feat and think about how she did it for 20 years for up to three times the amount of people. I love having everyone at my house and I love thinking about the memories and the traditions that we are making here. I love the feeling of success when I crawl into bed after the last person has left and the last dish is washed and I collapse utterly exhausted and tremendously proud and happy.

This year, my sister is not coming to Thanksgiving with us (SOB!) and my grandmother, who was possibly going to come down, isn't going to be able to make it. My husband's family is doing a separate get-together on Friday following T-Day so they won't be here either. It is just going to be us, my mom, and Troy's mom. For four people, I just couldn't see putting out the spread. I picked up the phone, I called Texas de Brazil, and I made reservations for four. I should have felt a sense of relief....right? No work. No dishes. No hot oven heating up the house. No mess. No back ache from standing on the kitchen floor for 12 hours straight. This should be great....right?

I started thinking after I made the reservations that we were eating awfully early....and wouldn't we be hungry later? What would we eat without any leftovers? Nothing will be open that day! We must have food to eat....otherwise, we would die of starvation! That 11:00 all you can eat steakhouse dinner isn't going to tide you over indefinitely!!!

I know! What if I just prepare a "small" Thanksgiving meal....no big deal....for after the game? Then we could eat a little bitty Thanksgiving dinner that evening after the game and that way no one will die of starvation on our watch. My husband just looked at me and rolled his eyes. "Just do it," he told me. "But, you are ordering the turkey from Popeyes, I am not frying it." Me, smiling from ear to ear....."DEAL!" So, while this year won't be the big feast we normally have....we are still going to have our nice dinner at home and all will be right with the world because I AM just a glutton for punishment. Well, all will be right except Shannon and Burim not being here. I know it is only fair but I am still sad. :-(

Here is my menu:

Main Meal
Fried Turkey (4.5 pts for 3 ounces)
Mashed Potatoes (2 pts)
Broccoli Rice Casserole (4 pts)
Sweet Potato Casserole (4 pts)
Cranberries (2 pts)
Deviled Eggs (2pts for 1 egg)

Desserts
Pumpkin Pie Smash (1 pt)
Bread Pudding (8 pts)
Banana Pudding (5 pts)
Pumpkin Pie Flan (4 pts)

Appetizers
Jalapeno Poppers
Crab and Shrimp Stuffed Mushrooms
Fruit and Vegetable Tray
Chips and Dips

******

I hope our meal at Texas de Brazil is lovely, I hope our meal at home turns out fabulously (I have never made a couple of the things on this menu and I am praying for them to all turn out for the big day!) and I hope we are all happy, healthy, and hopeful when we celebrate our blessings this year on our official day of Gratitude.

Happy Halloween!

2009-11-01T13:21:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was the greatest Halloween on record that I can remember as an adult. When we first got married, we always got so excited for Halloween and would buy tons of candy and wait for the little kiddos to come ring the doorbell and most of the time it happened a grand total of once or twice per night, so we gave up on Halloween about 5 or 6 years ago and started hiding in the dark with the porch light off praying no one would ring the doorbell and send our anti-social dogs into a psychotic barking frenzy.

This year, we had plans to meet my sister and go to a few houses for trick or treating with Burim, who is almost 4 years old now, and I had the bright idea that I would dress Blake the puppy up and trot him along with us. He has only walked on his harness a couple of times and both of those times occurred INSIDE the house. He hasn't been able to go outside at all until recently since he just got his second set of shots. But we still thought it would be cute and fun, so that was the plan.

I had wanted Blakers to be a cute pumpkin for his costume, but by the time we trekked to Petsmart, Petco, and Wal-Mart on Saturday morning, they were about cleaned out and we were advised that the XXS sizes sell out the most quickly and we shouldn't really wait till the last day. Thanks for the hot tip! Very helpful info at this juncture. Oh well, we found a Vampire cape on 75% off and so we packed it up for a grand total of $3 and that was to be the costume. I started panicking about how cold it was going to be so we switched costumes on our way out the door into a sweatshirt with metal studs on it that is appropriately labeled "stud muffin". Well, that was my first mistake of the night.

We load up and head to my sister's and she and Burim are waiting outside for us. I can hear him yelling, "They are here! They are here!" and boy howdy how my whole heart just melts. I can remember us talking when he was younger about how we couldn't wait for that time when he would get so excited and come running when we got there, just like I used to do with my grandparents. He is beside himself with his excitement over Blake being there as well. Apparently, he was living out some kind of dream because he told his mother earlier in the night, "But mommy, you said we would never, ever, ever, ever, have a dog inside our house!" Out of the mouth of babes. We start unpacking the car and Shannon tells Burim, "Burim, do you remember what costume Blake is going to wear tonight?" and he excitedly replies, "Yeah! A Dracula!!!" Mommy looks at me when I start shaking my head and reply, "Well.... not anymore, we changed costumes." Burim says, "What is he going to be now Becca?!?!" and I realize my error and start trying to think how I am going to explain to him that Blake is no longer going dressed as a vampire but instead as a "stud muffin"....whoops.

The following are some highlights of our wonderful evening that was filled with laughter, fun, chaos, and a headache. The headache was worth it though. So worth it!

-Burim takes me with him to the potty and instead of trying to help him get his clothes back on, I start telling him, no, time to take your clothes OFF and put your costume ON. He looks at me crazy and says, "Becca. The costume goes OVER your clothes." There was SUCH righteous indignation in his voice. Adults. Idiots.

-Burim getting frustrated with not being able to get something open. Mommy to Burim, "What should we do when we need help with something?" (in her most patient and elementary teacher like voice) and Burim walks over, leans his head on her shoulder and says, "Can you help me please Mommy?" Unfortunately for her, she was the only one that couldn't see him rolling his eyes at her. Of course, being the aunt and uncle, we had no problem ruining the delusion for her because his sarcasm was quite amusing to us. :-)

-Burim walks up to Blake and yells BOOOOOO. I say, "Burim, quit screaming at Blake, he is a baby." He informs me he is not yelling at him, he is playing a game with him, and it is called "Scare Tag". I say we are not going to play that game with Blake. Burim throws his hands up in the air and informs me, "BUT! BUT! That's the only game I have!" Poor kid.

-Going out for trick or treating and this is Blake's first time to walk on the leash/harness outside. Yeah. That lasted about hmmmmm, less than 5 seconds? He just stood in one spot and didn't move. So, the rest of the night consisted of me carrying my stud muffin around the neighborhood. He is just a TAD spoiled perhaps? I guess there will always be another opportunity for a "first" walk outside....time will tell.

-Burim tells one of the neighbor's who gives him candy (after he has asked her what her dog's name is and told the dog hello and a gamut of other questions she politely answered for him)....."Today. Is Halloween." He said this with all seriousness in quite the profound and matter of fact tone of voice. She was very sweet and said "Oh! Thank you for telling me!" LOL

-Burim again to a very nice older gentleman who asks him which race car driver he was..."No! I am on the Pit Crew!!!!" He knows his Nascar!

-We got a late start and Shannon's neighborhood isn't the greatest for trick or treating as it is and poor Burim was having a hard time getting people to come to the door. We had gone up and down the street already and told him we were going to go to "one more house". As we approached that last part of the street, the porch light went off. We looked at each other in horror and Troy sees another house up further that has their light on too. We tell Burim that THIS would be the last house instead. Ring the doorbell, no answer. Boo. We go walking back down the sidewalk and all of the sudden this perfect little trick or treater who has politely told each person "trick or treat" and "please and thank you" yells out loud, "I want SOMEBODY to GIVE ME SOME TRICK OR TREAT CANDY!" We couldn't help but crack up.

-Burim spent much of his night trying to convince me that we needed to give Blake water to drink or dog food to eat or even wanting to split his candy haul with him so that he could "share". I kept reminding him all night that he couldn't touch his dishes and that only Aunt Becca or Uncle Troy could give Blake anything to eat or drink. The thing about Burim is that he is so smart, sometimes you can see the wheels actually turning in his head and something you think he has long forgotten about, he has just spent his time formulating a new plan. All of a sudden, long after the trick or treating had ended, Burim comes up to me holding the cap to my water and the cap to Troy's water. They are both filled up with water from the sink. He holds out the two tiny caps and announces, "This is water for Blake to drink. It's not that much, but he was getting thirsty you know?" He was so thrilled that we actually let him give Blake the water to drink and his little giggle was enough to make up for his sneakiness. :-)

-Now, the night took a drastic turn for the worse and the much less cute when we all decided we would load up and head to the nearest Dairy Queen, which is like 15 miles away. Burim was HYPER by this point loaded up on candy and Halloween excitement, Blake was exhausted and he does NOT ride in the car well, and the adults were about over the holiday cheer. Burim proceeds to kick my seat over and over and over again. I finally turned around and told him if he didn't stop kicking my seat, Uncle Troy was pulling the car over and he wasn't going to like what happened next. He stops kicking my seat and proceeds to scream bloody murder (remember I mentioned the HEADACHE? Between his screaming, his mother's redirection, and my dog squealing like a piglet, I was a walking commercial for "Excedrine- the headache medicine") at the top of his lungs. His mother then says to him, "Burim Shabanaj, if you do not behave, Uncle Troy is stopping this car and he is going to SPANK YOU!" Everything got silent as a mouse. I leaned over to Troy and said, "Are you prepared to spank him?" He glares at me and says, "NO! What is WRONG with you two?!" I have to think that at this point his craving for a pumpkin pie blizzard must have really been feeling like a HUGE mistake. :-) Everyone settled down nicely when we got our goodies though and things went well until I heard Burim say, "Uh oh. We have an ice cream EMERGENCY!" (Why were we in MY car again?!)

Hope your Halloween was at least as great if not better and that you had at least half the amusement we had. I am sure there was even more exciting and amusing stuff that went on...but you know how I don't like to brag. Umph!

Happy Fall Y'all!
B

Tap dancing in my too big shoes....

2009-10-30T11:08:00.002-05:00

Time to get excited people! It's DST! I literally cannot WAIT to stay up till 2 AM on Saturday/Sunday just so I can enjoy turning back the clock and getting the great pleasure out of seeing the new time. Things I am going to do with my extra hour of time this week?

Sleep
Read
Sleep
Read
Sleep
Eat something
Read
Sleep

Okay, I realize that all of that won't fit into one hour. But I plan to make the most of it!

Yippeeeeee!

Happy DST to everyone!

Big shoes

2009-10-27T18:53:00.005-05:00

Today, as I was getting ready for my day, I selected a pair of shoes that I thought were going to be super duper cute with my new outfit. Well, not new exactly, but I just took the price tags off and the pants were the smallest size I have been in 3 years....so they were new to me. Anyway, I digress. The shoes were too big! I took them off and looked at them to see if I could find some explanation for this...the shoes are almost brand new! I bought them at a great sale not too long ago. I tried them on again. Nope, they are too big. I got another pair off of my shoe rack and decided that I would have to go with those, even though they weren't as cute, because I was running short on time. Too big. What in the world? I stared at my feet in confusion. It finally dawned on me that all of the shoes I had been buying in the last year don't fit anymore because I have apparently even lost weight in my FEET. I had to go grab a pair of OLD SHOES that are my normal size. My feet grew half a size when I gained so much weight! You can stop laughing now...this is a true story. As I stood there in shock looking at these shoes swimming on my feet, I thought that this was quite possibly a metaphor for my life right now.

Sometimes, I feel like maybe my own shoes are too big for my feet....even without the weight loss. Sometimes, I wonder whose shoes I am really standing in when I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Is this my life? Who is this person in the mirror? When did I take on so much responsibility? Decide that I was the right person to make life and death decisions about children's lives? About whether families stay together or apart? That I was the right person to teach new workers about how to determine if children are safe? If a case can be closed? Who is this Rebecca? She is not anyone I would have recognized 10 years ago.

All of this was precipitated today by a huge assignment from my boss. I idolize her, adore her, have more respect for her than almost any one I know. I have worked for her for a very long time- by choice. When I got the assignment, I literally felt the weight of the world crushing down on my shoulders, felt my chest tightening with fear. I didn't want to let her down...but I couldn't see how I was POSSIBLY going to accomplish what she was asking me to do. I could hardly sleep at all last night worrying about this and was up with Troy at 5 AM worrying about it some more. "Just do the best you can Rebecca," he told me. I told him but this was impossible, I don't think I can do it. He told me she wouldn't have given it to me if she didn't think I could. I said, "That's just the problem, they think I can do ANYTHING." He looked at me with seriousness and said, "That's because you can. You can do anything you want to, you always have been able to. It's your gift." I felt the weight coming down harder....because I know this is how he feels about me...and I was just adding him to the list of the people I was going to let down.

I called my best friend, who is my co-supervisor, and shared the "good" news about my new assignment. I told her I was FREAKING OUT. She told me, "You can do it! You are SUPER CHICK!". We call my unit "Dix's Chix" and have a bulletin board with the cutest little chicks for each worker....and so she decided about two weeks ago that my nick-name would be "Super Chick" because of my "super powers". I just shook my head and laughed when she came up with that then. Today, it was making me ill.

I hung up the phone with her and posted a status on facebook that read, "Whatever doesn't kill me will make me stronger....". One of my workers immediately jumped online and wrote, "I just call you SHE-Man". Another one of my ex-employees followed up with, "I just call you a badass". These workers have so much respect for me, they trust me so much....they think I can move mountains. I wonder sometimes (often times)....do I deserve this? What if I am not worthy....what if I am not this person who they idolize and look up to? What if these shoes are too big for me to fill? Don't get me wrong, I have worked HARD to get where I am at my job. But sometimes I just wonder who this person is that has this reputation of being...invincible.

As I stared down at my old shoes I had to dust off this morning, I took a deep breath and told myself I can only take it one step at a time. One case at a time, one day at a time, maybe even one hour at a time. Sometimes, I over-think situations (okay, most of you can stop laughing now, I over-think MOST situations...) and try to plan things out so far in advance that the sheer thought process associated with these tasks can be over-whelming and crippling. I was already worrying not about how I was going to get through this week but how I was going to get everything done for next week as well, never mind just getting through today. Whenever I break it down to just take it one step at a time, it is liberating and I can start to feel like I can breathe again. I opened my calendar and added the one meeting I needed to have to start the process for tomorrow morning. There, it's on there. I am moving in the right direction. I was starting to feel a little bit better.

When I was on my way out the door, I went to grab my keys and looked up at the sign we have hanging in the kitchen, "Prayer: When life gets too hard to stand.....kneel". And I suddenly remembered, why am I trying to do this by myself? Why am I putting the pressure of the world on my shoulders alone? I wasn't designed for that....I am only hurting myself by forgetting to ask for help. By forgetting that God will not put more on me than I can carry. For forgetting that I am never in this alone and that I don't carry this burden unassisted. By forgetting that I always have somewhere to turn when I am facing the impossible.

So, after I got done venting to my boss (thank goodness she knows me well enough after all these years to just let me get it out without judgment), I prayed. I prayed for guidance, for strength, for courage, for vision and for hope. I thanked God for blessing me with this gift to be able to give back so much sometimes it hurts. For blessing me with my abilities and for the gift of compassion. For blessing me with workers who respect, trust, and look up to me and for a boss who trusts and values me and entrusts me with her most important tasks. For a boss who cares enough about me as a person to let me rant and rave when I need to in order to get it out of my system. Thanked God for a husband who has stood by me and supported me through almost 11 years of service with this agency and has more faith in me than I could ever have in myself. I thanked God for the privilege I have to serve him and to serve my community. For the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of children, families, and the employees I work with.

Does the road ahead still look scary? Bleak? Difficult? Challenging? Yes, it is all of those things. But it is not hopeless. I have some big shoes to fill. It is a good thing I don't have to stand in them alone (and a good thing I had some smaller ones handy in the closet). God has given me this gift and I know he is going to help me use it. I just have to put one too-big shoe in front of the other.

And the greatest of these....is Love.

2009-10-24T12:42:00.007-05:00

So, I have had a TON of feedback about my blog regarding mean people....and not so much about the mean people I spoke of but more about the thoughts regarding mean people who shout from the rooftops about how "Christian" they are. Some people have agreed with what I said in the blog post, some have been upset by it, and some have reminded me of something that is very, very, very important.

As Christians, we are sinners. We are forgiven, but as humans, we sin. Alexander Pope said, "to err is human, to forgive is divine." I don't expect Christians to be perfect. I am not upset with people for not being perfect. I think, by definition, we are most definitely NOT perfect. That is why we must be forgiven and we must never forget to ask for that forgiveness...because we are children of God living on His Earth and making human and earthly mistakes each and every day.

Someone reminded me that every time I say a not-so-nice thing about someone else, I am sinning. Every time I gossip, behind someone's back, I am sinning. Every time I say a bad word, I am sinning again. They went on to remind me that despite these sins, Christianity is NOT about being perfect and that I am forgiven.

One of my sister's friends wrote me (I am waiting for permission to share her complete thoughts here, because I found them to be quite profound and speak to my heart) and I was most struck by her thought regarding where some people have turned as Christians is into a "holier than thou" state where they feel it is appropriate to pass judgement and elevate themselves into another status, a higher status, than others. Elevating themselves above others and deciding rules for them, based on their "status" of Christianity.

That, I believe, is what I was trying (possibly failed) to speak to in my previous blog entry. I am imperfect, Lord knows, I am so imperfect in so many ways. I ask for forgiveness regularly and know that I am loved with an unconditional love and that I am blessed and I am saved because I have taken Jesus into my heart. I am constantly under His watchful protection, His grace, and mercy.

What has me so bothered is those persons who use their faith and their professed Christianity to hurt others. When you say to someone else, in a snide tone of voice, "I am going to pray for you", implying that you are lesser than them, implying that you need their intervention from their faith as yours must be lacking, implying that their faith, that their devotion, that their character, that their state of being "Christian" is superior to yours, implying that this is so because they believe that they are on the "right side" of an argument and since you are on the "wrong side" your faith is not as just, not as pure, not as holy....it feels wrong to me. Feels wrong in so many ways.

When people use their faith as an excuse to abuse their children....it feels wrong to me. Every day, myself or my workers, are quoted to from the Bible by people who have hurt their children. Have beaten their children. Have had sex with their children. People who believe that "spare the rod, spoil the child" means that you are to hit your children to instill good behavior (I won't even stir the hornet's nest here to indicate that is NOT what is implied by that proverb and it isn't even a direct quote from the bible but rather a compilation of ideas from scripture....I will save that for another time) and good character in your children or you are derelict in your faith and in your parenting.

When people who constantly degrade others, pass judgement on others, speak ill of others, instigate arguments with others, find ways to be as non-helpful to others as possible, hurt others and use hurtful language and hurtful tones of voice to others, get pleasure out of proving others wrong, making them look foolish, and calling attention to their mistakes....and then profess that they are "Christian" so these things aren't possible or couldn't be true about themselves....I am left to wonder if they DO remember that being Christian does mean being imperfect, being a sinner, and asking for forgiveness. If they remember that they are not perfect because they are separated from God by their sin. I am left to question whether they truly believe it to be true that because they are Christian, or they believe they are "more Christian" than someone else, they can never be wrong...never hurt someone with their words...with their actions or lack thereof.

Christianity is not a status of perfection. It is not a status of good moral character. It is not a status that makes you better than me, or me better than my neighbor or my neighbor better than his friend. It is not a tool that should be used as a weapon. It is not any of these things. As another person wrote to tell me....as Christians, we are still sinners, we are simply forgiven sinners.

Corinthians 1:13:1
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing........And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

My prayer is for us to stop the clanging of the cymbals. Stop the ringing of the gong. Remember our imperfect nature, remember that the greatest of these is love, and remember that sin separates you from God, and His son died so that we can be forgiven for those sins and our ultimate act of Christianity on Earth is to live our lives in a way to make us worthy of His love.

Much love,
R

Hungry

2009-10-23T17:39:00.003-05:00

For some reason, I am craving the most bizarre things to eat. Thing I didn't even eat on a regular basis PRE-weight watchers. I feel, for some reason, perpetually hungry. I don't know if it is because I have been sick? Or if it is because I ate all of that junk at the fair? Oh. What's that? I was sick AGAIN, you ask? Yep, I thought about starting to take a vitamin though. :-) Or, if maybe my stress level is at such a level again it is causing these cravings? I don't know, but I need to figure it out and quickly....because this list is out of control!

I am craving the following random things:
Cheesecake. Okay, that one isn't random. Anyone who has known me since about 10th grade knows that about me. But I still want it. Bad.
Long John Silvers fish. Why? No idea.
Pizza from Disney World. Yep. That's right. Disney World.
Taco platter from Taco Cabana. Now, let me be honest. That one, I DID eat on a regular basis before WW. At least twice a month so I can kind of explain that one.
Root Beer. I know it isn't food. But I am craving it all the same.
Large Cherry Coke from Sonic. Same as above.
Texas Sheet Cake. I saw the danged recipe on Pioneer Woman and haven't stopped thinking about it since.
Sour Cream and Onion potato chips. sigh.
Del Frisco's spinach supreme. I don't know where this one came from, but it ended with it being added to my Thanksgiving Day menu in a modified format.

Now, generally, with my WW leader, she strongly recommends that if you are craving something...you should eat it. Her thoughts are that you enjoy a small portion of whatever it is you are wanting and then you move on. Otherwise, you will eat everything in sight and still not be happy because you haven't had that one thing you are really craving and you will end up eating it anyway. So, I am wondering what to do when I am craving a LIST of things? And one of them is only located in Orlando, Florida? Again, I say.....*sigh*. They also say that sometimes you are craving things like potato chips because maybe you have a salt deficiency, etc. So, it appears, I am deficient in salt, sugar, fat, and fluid. I could buy items 1, 2, and 4....but since I know item 3 isn't true, I am thinking that isn't it.

So, I suppose I will have my two slices of non-Disney World pizza, drink my fourth bottle of water for the day, and try to get this train back on the tracks before it is completely derailed and spontaneously combusts.

Say WHAT?

2009-10-22T20:44:00.003-05:00

Do you ever wonder what people are exactly thinking before they speak sometimes? Someone came up to Troy this week and asked him if was "okay". Troy was looking at him wondering what he was talking about and if there was some bad news going around that maybe he was the last to hear. The man leaned over and whispered, "I see how much weight you have lost, I don't know if you want to talk about it...." and Troy replied with, "Well, I don't mind....I have lost over 50 lbs and I am going to weight watchers. I am not embarrassed by it. Me and Becca are doing it together actually." The man looked surprised and then said, "Oh. You are TRYING to lose weight? I thought you were....you know......sick." Talk about ego deflation to someone who has been working their bootie off (get it? Working their bootie off? Haha...oh never mind.) to get thin. Troy comes stomping in the house looking at himself in the mirror. "BABE!" (Oh Lord, did he burn his ass again?!) "Do I look SICK?!" UGH. I felt so bad for him! What are people thinking?

It is the same thing with people who INSIST on pointing out to me that I am "sick all the time". Someone asked me this week, "Is there something wrong with your immune system? Have you been checked?" I was thinking...is that any of their business? It wasn't even someone I would consider a friend....more like an acquaintance! I get asked that a lot....because obviously....I AM sick....ALL the time. I wonder when someone tells me that if they think they are telling me some new information? Or if they thought THEY noticed I was sick a lot and maybe I hadn't noticed yet? So in case I was remarkably unobservant, they need to bring it to my attention? Is that what they are thinking? Maybe they are trying to be helpful? That would be an optimistic way to look at things. Perhaps I should try it. I would rather say to someone, "Man, you are RUDE all the time! Have you noticed?!" But that would be....well, rude, I guess.

Someone suggests to me maybe about 2 times a week that I start taking vitamins. I always wonder if I am being too polite by telling them I already do take vitamins. Would I be within my rights to just say, "You know what? That is none of your business or your concern. Good day to you!" and then politely walk away smiling? Or maybe I should start replying with, "WHAT A GOOD IDEA! They make VITAMINS?! THANK YOU!" Hmmmm, there goes that sarcastic side rearing its' ugly head again. *Sigh*

One day, I did get a little bit annoyed with someone who was going on and on making jokes about telling Troy he should invest in a "plastic bubble" for me for Christmas (it is cute when someone does that out of love by the way. Because they want to protect you and don't like seeing you sick. The other is just flat annoying.) so that I wouldn't get sick so much. They followed up with, "What is wrong with you anyways?" Again, this was NOT a friend, not a family member, just an acquaintance at work. I smiled and said, "Well, I was born not breathing and almost didn't survive. I was very weak and my immune system never properly developed. I was a very, very sick infant. Since then, I have worked myself into an even weaker state by putting in 80 to 100 hours a week at this place and sleeping about 3 to 4 hours a night for the last 10 years. To top it all off, I was put on an intensive steroid regimen three different times for my jaw surgery, my separated shoulder, my chronic bronchitis, and then three MORE times after my car accident. That pretty much took care of the immune system I had left. Then, I work at CPS where my workers are in and out of dirty, nasty homes all day everyday and the rest of the time are either in daycares or schools. And, oh yeah, my sister is a teacher and my nephew attends daycare. If I don't get whatever they have floating around here, it is waiting for me when I get home." They just stared at me and said, "Oh. So there is actually a reason? Sorry." Now, maybe I was being unkind by airing my dirty laundry to them in such a manner that they might have felt guilty about asking the question. Was I out of line?

What is the craziest or more inappropriate thing someone has said to you? Surely this isn't just happening in the Dix household?! By the way, to keep my PG rating on my blog, I omitted all the lovely things that come out of people's mouths when they hear our last name for the first time. Whew. That would fill up a whole other blog entirely. Right Shannon? :-) Now, everyone can wonder what you said....

The BIG 100

2009-10-19T23:10:00.003-05:00

This Saturday, something amazing happened. Troy and I went to WW on Saturday like is normal for us every Saturday since April. We had missed the weekend before, which was our first missed meeting, and had gone traipsing all over the State Fair of Texas finding crazy food to eat that was both yummy and ridiculously high in points. We were a little nervous, coming off of a week where we hadn't weighed in, and having eaten pretty much what we wanted that past Saturday. I guess the traipsing part paid off though, because we both had amazing weight losses when we stepped on the scale and celebrated new milestones with our group.

I have now lost 44 pounds. Troy? Well, you know he has to have lost more than that (of course) and if you are really good at simple subtraction, or even addition, I bet you have figured out that he has lost 56. Put it all together and what do you get? The big 100. I honestly cannot believe it and despite the fact that it HAS been really difficult and challenging at times...I really can't believe how easy it has been and how fast we have gotten to this point. I just keep telling myself that I will blink again and next summer will be here and we will both be where we want to be.

When our leader announced our new success milestones to the group, the room broke into the most amazing applause and cheers. I am telling you- we are like weight watchers rock stars. :-) Then an older lady in the front says, "Oh my goodness, they have lost a WHOLE PERSON!" I wasn't sure whether to be amazed or embarrassed by that, so I chose to just go with proud and smile away.

Troy only has about 20 pounds left to lose and he is starting to focus more on strength training and muscle building at this point. I am down to 59 pounds left and while that is still a LOT of weight- it feels easier now than ever before. I have already made out my Thanksgiving Day menu, complete with point values for each dish, and figured out ways to lighten up everything and use my points where I really want to....that would be on the mac and cheese. I know it is going to be rough to make it through the holidays and keep on track, but I know with us supporting each other and keeping each other accountable....we will be just fine.

Relax, relate, release

2009-10-16T18:54:00.005-05:00

This week has been an interesting week and by interesting, I mean challenging. One of my biggest faults is my quick temper and I have come a very long way in learning to keep that and my smart mouth in check most of the time. This week pushed me to points I have not been in quite some time and left me feeling a multitude of things. For one, I am proud of myself. There were times when I wanted to just really let loose and tell someone what I was thinking in my head that I was dying to say out loud. I didn't do it. That took a whole lot of restraint and effort on my part and, to be completely honest, left me exhausted.

On the other hand, I am left feeling confused and bewildered. Why do people feel the need to be so mean? Is there some benefit to being that way? Did their mother never tell them that whole catch more flies with honey spiel? Why people would spend their time being obnoxious and argumentative instead of helpful and cooperative (particularly in my line of work) is simply befuddling to me. Yes, I said befuddling. Meanness, bullying, rudeness have all always been things I could just never understand and they are sometimes so unsettling to me, they make me physically ill.

Today, I spent 37 minutes on the phone with another supervisor who berated me, berated my staff, talked to me as if I was 2 years old and had misbehaved and somehow offended her. The purpose of the conversation? Trying to come up with a time when we could staff a case together because she reported that she was too busy to do so today. I heard someone in the background and she told me it was her worker (the one we needed to staff with) and I said....can't we just staff the case NOW? We have been on the phone arguing about this for 37 minutes! She advised me that it was her lunch break and she doesn't staff cases then. I am left to wonder if she ever even considered how petty she sounded. To wonder how we can all supposedly be here to help change the lives of children when that is your mentality. Why would you waste 37 minutes of time arguing that you don't have time to staff a case today...that would take 15 minutes to staff? Oh wait....it was your LUNCH HOUR! Now I get it! The sheer ludicrous nature of the situation was enough to give me whiplash from shaking my head.

This is only the most recent example I experienced this week of behavior that left me wondering what on Earth people are thinking and trying to understand where they are coming from. For some reason, it made me the most upset and I ended up bursting into tears. Not out of sadness but out of sheer frustration. Maybe it was the culmination of events of the week? Or my lack of sleep?

Not all of the things that happened this week were in my professional life and some were in my personal life. I am making some really tough decisions about how to include people in my life who are really important to me but are possibly destructive to me as well. I am trying to push the negative as far away from me as I can and trying to surround myself with joy and happiness. Sometimes, in matters of the heart, that is easier said than done.

I am trying to be self-reflective as well and understand what role I have in the situations I have experienced....trust me, I am well aware I am not little miss innocence. One thing I am not; however, is just mean. Smart aleck? Check. Sarcastic? Check check. Arrogant? Slightly. :-) Mean? Nope. That one I just don't understand. Is there some sense of satisfaction for some people in hurting others? Does it make them feel better about themselves? I don't even understand how that could work that way...but maybe I am missing something. I am sure that I could have handled several of those situations better than I did this week and perhaps the outcome would have been different. I do know, however, that I handled them better this week than I would have five years ago....so there is progress and hope for different outcomes in the future. One of my friends told me this week, "Rebecca- you can't fight ignorance so just leave it alone...you are just going to wear yourself out and they are never going to get it because they aren't capable." I have a hard time accepting that to be true. I have to believe that, deep down, everyone has the capacity to change for the better and not stay "stuck" where they are. I have to hope for that or I would go crazy (no, for real crazy....) at my job seeing the cruelty and sadness day in and day out. If I thought there was no hope for change...I would be completely ineffective and I like to believe that is not the case.

Just curious though, have you ever wondered how much nicer the world would be if people didn't spend so much time convincing you how "Christian" they are and spent more time showing you? And that if they spent more time showing you....would you even need to talk about it? Their beliefs and their true spirit would be transparent and self-evident....would they not? Something that has had me really scratching my head this week is the people who hide behind the guise of Christianity and talk about their faith while at the same time berating and degrading others, passing judgment, and arguing and criticizing others. Perhaps I missed the lesson regarding "Judge not lest ye be judged" but I thought it went against all of those things. Maybe I misunderstood. I especially love when someone ends a particularly hairy argument with "I am going to pray for you." I am always a little frightened about exactly who they are praying to and left kind of wishing they would just leave me out of it...

As one of my young worker's encouraged me to do this evening....I am off to relax...relate....release. Don't worry, when I get done, I am going to pray for all of those mean people. They keep telling me they have Jesus in their life but I think we might be talking about two different guys. :-)

Much Love,
Becca

Wow...

2009-09-11T09:33:00.003-05:00

Well, I went from "two blogs, one day" to "two months, no blog"! Thank you Lorren for the friendly reminder that I needed to move on over to blogspot and get to writing. I guess I have quite a bit to update since I have been MIA for the last two months. :-)

Those of you who are on Facebook know that the last two months has held some great news, some great accomplishments, and some really sad news for the Dix family.

We lost our beloved Buster on 8/31 (my birthday) after 12 years of loyal companionship and great memories. He was about 14 years old and he got really sick with cancer and it just broke our hearts. Buster was quite simply the greatest dog there ever was. He was amazing. Buster followed my niece and nephew home from their grandmother's job one day 12 years ago after they fed him pancakes from McDonald's behind her store. He licked off the syrup, buried the pancakes, and the rest was history. My mother-in-law (future MIL at the time) would open the back gate and tell Buster to "shoo!" and he would come right around and sit on the front porch and wait for my future husband to get home and let him back in the backyard. You could set a plate of food on the floor in front of Buster and he would not touch it unless you told him it was okay. Once, when we were living in Bedford, someone tried to break into the house and Buster went INSANE and scared them away before the police could get there. We had our ups and downs with Buster as he had a lot of health problems and had FOUR surgeries while we had him (for a "free" dog, he cost us a LOT of $$$!) in our home. It was right before his first surgery that we found out he had "beebees" stuck in his back where someone had shot him with a beebee gun before he found us. We had already known before but then we really knew, he had suffered terribly before he came into our lives and it was no wonder he was so grateful for our family. He was an amazing dog and a member of our family since before we said "I do". We loved him and will miss him for a long, long time.

I am wrapping up a 3 week vacation right now (praise the LORD for my fabulous boss who allows me the time off to do this- I could not survive without it!) and the time off allowed us to add a new family member, Blake Lee Dix. He is about 1.5 lbs right now, yorkshire terrier, and is a load of fun. I love him already! He already knows his name after only two days and he is pottying where he is supposed to so I really REALLY love him right now. :-) Him and his big sister Bailee are getting along fabulously but I must say it looks like Bailee has doubled in size since Blake got here. I guess that is an optical illusion but I am not totally convinced.

Our weekly visits to WW continue and we are reaping the benefits of healthy living. Troy has lost almost 50 pounds (that jerk, LOL) and I am down 36. No more WOMEN'S sizes for me! Yay! We are feeling and looking great and are really, really proud of our success. I have 68 pounds to go and it feels like it will never get here but if I just moving forward, I know it will be here before I know it. We cleaned out our closet last weekend and I got rid of FOUR sizes of clothing. It is an amazing feeling to step into your old jeans (without even unzipping them or unbuttoning them!) and seeing how they are so huge on you. I felt like I was in a Subway commercial. I should call them and ask for my fee. I have decided that when I get to my goal this time, I will go to work for WW part time on the weekends. Not that I think I have a whole heck of a lot of spare time to actually work a second job (since the one I do have is like working 4 regular, ha) but to work at WW you have to maintain or be within 2 lbs of your goal weight and I am KICKING myself for not doing this the last time. I anticipate that I will be at goal by sometime next summer- so watch out Schlitterbahn- here we come! :-)

I turned 32 since my last blog post (*sigh*) and that was always my "cut-off" for trying to get pregnant. Something about that day actually coming made me reconsider all of the reasons I previously held so strong for why 32 was the "doomsday date". Now, I have said Troy turning 40 will be the cut-off, which means we have a little over 2 years remaining. (Sorry to bring that up Troy in case you hadn't thought of it yet in those terms. ) There are days when I think I have come to terms with the fact that our family might always consist of furry four legged children and other days when it still hurts so much I feel like someone has set me on fire and poured gasoline on the flames. In the end, I know that God has a plan for me and that if my purpose in life was always to give back and help save those children who are in peril with their own families, so be it. Perhaps I have too much to give to those children and there isn't enough left for my own. Whatever the reason may be, it is what it is, and I will continue to pray that the Lord will give me strength, perseverance, and vision where I am lacking all when it comes to this issue.

In the meantime, I have two furry children to love on and who will not need braces or a college education and I have a nephew who I can spoil, who loves me to pieces, and while he might need braces and definitely needs a college education, neither will be on my dime. Luckily, I also have a husband who is the greatest gift God has ever given me and I am so fortunate and so blessed that he has patience and love for his imperfect wife.

Enjoy the picture of my newest (and tiniest) baby and I will be back before 2 months....I promise. On this, the memorial of the greatest tragedy on US soil 8 years ago, I close with God Bless America and God Bless our soldiers who are fighting abroad and who are defending us here at home. God Bless the families of the victims of 9/11 and God Bless our president while he faces challenges most of us could never fathom to keep this country safe from future harm.

Love,

Becca

Two Blogs, One Day?

2009-07-11T23:51:00.004-05:00

Well, if I can get it written and posted in the next 8 minutes that is....

I baby-sat Burim, my three year old nephew and apple of my eye, tonight so that Shannon could attend a friend's wedding. I have been in a FUNK all week long so I was acting more like a brat about doing this than I honestly should have. Here are the highlights from tonight's adventures in baby-sitting and yes, you are going to be subjected to all of the cute stories because almost all of the rest of you have cute kid stories all the time and I am always jealous so now I have some and I am going to blog about them. :-) I should be ashamed of myself for being bratty about baby-sitting when it brings me this kind of joy...(not to mention blog material)

1) I hand my fortune cookie to Burim and he opens it and pulls the paper out. "What does it say Burim?" (since he is learning to read- yes, I know- he is a genius) He hands it back to me and replies, "I don't know- it's in Spanish." I just stared at him and took it away from him. No, don't get all excited- it wasn't actually in Spanish- but where he came up with this is beyond me!

2) Burim knows he is NOT supposed to touch the little chlorine floater in the pool and I often say to his mother- if he isn't supposed to touch it- why not just take it out before he gets in there? Seems simple enough to me! Well, tonight, we all pile into the pool and are having a splendid time and he goes over and picks up the chlorine floater. Wait- who left THAT in there? Oh yeah. I'm the one in charge tonight so I guess that would be ME. "Burim!" (I shriek) I proceed to remind him he is NOT to touch the chlorine and that he knows this and if he does it again- he will get out of the pool and go to time-out. Here comes Mr. Burim through the water. He wraps his arms around my neck, leans his head on my shoulder and says, "Becca......I love you!" Silence. Troy is trying hard not to lose it and bust out laughing. "Burim, I love you too. Now don't touch the chlorine." (Trying to keep a straight face and failing miserably.) When I was re-telling this story to his mother- she says, "Wait. You didn't take it out BEFORE you got in the pool?" Damn my arrogance anyway.

3) When we arrived, we had picked up our dinner and came in with a big bag of food. Burim comes running up to Troy. "Uncle Troy! Did you bring me a burrito? Nuggets?! Pizza?!?!?" We are staring at each other and at his mother- it is 6:30! He didn't eat yet?! He runs to his mother, "They are eating and didn't bring me ANYTHING!" We are HORRIFIED and MORTIFIED! So we proceed to tell him we are going to make him a burrito right now. He looks at us in disgust and says, "I do not WANT to eat now. Right now, I will be playing." Where does this child GET this stuff?

4) Giving Burim his bath after pool time ends. I am sitting on the commode, flipping through a magazine. He turns around and looks at me. "Becca. Are you pooping?" Ummmm. No. But thanks for checking!

5) The best part of the whole night, well besides him being completely adorable and having the best laugh in the whole wide and ENTIRE world, was when he curled up with his blanket and tried to fight off sleep while he laid his head on Troy's lap. This makes my whole WORLD that my nephew who has my dimples and my blood in his veins adores the man I love more than life. I literally cannot explain what it makes me feel and how much it makes me love and adore BOTH of them more and more every time I witness it first hand.

I think five is enough, more than 5 and I would just be showing off. :-)

Dang it. It's 12:02. Oh well. Back to back blogs it will have to be. But I'm not going back to change the title.

Good night!

B

77 and counting

2009-07-11T13:42:00.004-05:00

Sevens are lucky in the gambling world...and anyone who knows me well knows that I Lo-ooooo-ve to gamble. Emphasis on the love. I have been feening for some gambling time but this year it's not looking so promising. Maybe next year as my reward for all of this hard work.

This week we went back to WW after a week off for the 4th of July holiday. She presented stats that said JULY is the biggest drop-out rate month of the entire year for their program. I was shocked by this! She said she was too. I thought for sure it would be either April (when the newness from New Year's resolutions wears off) or November/December when people start going holiday crazy. Nope- July she said. Inneresting. Glad we came back or we would have just been another statistic.

Together- Troy and I have now lost almost 60 pounds. Of course, he has lost more than me, that's why I group it together. Makes me feel more successful lumping his success in with mine. I told our leader after the meeting today that I was expecting big savings in my bank account next month because gas prices are going back down and we should be getting better gas mileage on our cars REAL soon. She couldn't help but laugh.

I had to get up and speak today because I set another milestone and it is a big one in the world of Weight Watchers. I lost 10% of my body weight today! I didn't just lose what I needed to either- I obliterated it! I lost another 3.4 pounds in this morning's weigh-in and I was pretty stinkin' proud of myself for coming off a week with no meeting PLUS a major national holiday?! Awesomeness.

Even more awesome- I went to the front of the class, wrapped her feather boa around me (that is her "thing"- you wear a boa and shimmy it whenever you lose 10% of your weight- for some reason, Troy politely declined when it was his turn- such a party pooper) and talked about my journey thus far. Bonus? I didn't even shed a tear! Troy was sitting next to me and I thought he had turned into Bill or Edward (hello Sookie and Twilight fans, are you following this?) because I am pretty sure he had stopped breathing. I couldn't even look at him because I knew that would probably do me in. Later he told me, he heard a slight crack in my voice in the beginning and he knows that is how it always starts but that I shook it off and kept on trucking and didn't shed a tear. After the meeting, I went to hug my leader and she showed me where she had grabbed some tissues on her way into the room because she wanted to be prepared if I started blubbering. :-)

I have found my weight loss journey to be quite the emotional one. It is easy to ride high on adrenaline when you are losing faster than you can buy new clothes but it is just as easy to beat yourself the hell up whenever you do everything possible that you think is right and then you only lose .2 of a pound. So, making it through my little public appearance today with no tears was QUITE the accomplishment.

The changes in my body are becoming more and more evident and when I see my sister tonight she BETTER notice something besides my incredible-shrinking-boobs. Because I am so short, I have dropped 3 sizes already with my current weight loss. Fantabulous!

77 pounds to go. I can do this- yes I can! 7's are lucky!

Love,
Becca

Happy Birthday America!

2009-07-05T12:26:00.004-05:00

That's what I spent some of my time doing on the holiday yesterday....trying to get Burim to say that. It finally happened after about 4 unsuccessful tries of him holding his arms up and yelling proudly "HAPPY BIRTHDAY BECCA!" LOL

My husband decided on our way down to Canton yesterday (for those who don't know, Canton is a small town out towards East Texas and the weekend before the "First Monday" in every month, they have a huge, I mean HUGE, trade show where you can buy just about anything your heart desires) we needed to introduce our 3 year old nephew to the spectacle and mystery that is fireworks. I informed him we should likely call Burim's mommy, my sister, and get permission before making such an investment, and to my wonderment, she thought it was a good idea too and told us to proceed. Yeah! Exciting times!

After spending 4 hours shopping in the 104 degree Texas sun, we were dripping wet, red faced, and exhausted, but got re-energized all over again when we pulled off onto the gravel shoulder to what claimed to be the "Largest fireworks stand in Texas! NO WAIT! 15 windows!" and began our inspection of their bounty.

Now, I know nothing about fireworks. We weren't allowed to have them as a kid and my mom put the fear of God into us with her wretched story about her friend, the boy who "blew his hand off", and forbade us from touching them. Troy, on the other hand, grew up with fireworks and goes into some sort of frenzy around them. Some of my greatest memories from early on in our marriage is going out to his sister's home in the country, which sat on acres of land, and watching the boys all shoot off hundreds of dollars worth of fireworks. We would BBQ, have watermelon, and home made vanilla ice cream with fresh sweet strawberries and sit outside drinking beer and wine coolers and having a great time. Her kids were young and still at home back then and they loved their aunt and uncle and we loved them and it was good, great, and awesome times. I get so nostalgic just thinking about it! His mother, Sherle, would send people back up the fireworks stand over and over and over again to get "just 20 more dollars" (really $100 more) because she loved it so much and Troy definitely takes after her in this way. She would slip money into different people's pockets and think she was being sneaky even though everyone knew what she was doing. Someone need to run to the store for milk? $20 in their pocket to stop by the fireworks stand on the way. 4th of July was one of our greatest family holidays back then and fireworks were a BIG deal. I can't believe those kids are now either in college, married for 5 years, or already finished a 4 year stint in the Marines. Goodness how time passes us by.

Troy starts conversing with the woman at the fireworks stand about what is appropriate for a 3 year old (really I think this is a ludicrous question- fireworks that are appropriate for a 3 year old? Let's get serious people!) and the pile in front of us starts growing and growing. He buys an entire SLEEVE of sparklers instead of just one box- why, I have no idea, but that's what he does. Then these little chickens who lay eggs ("shoot sparks out of their butt" is how she explained it) get added to the pile. He decided he wants a sparkler fountain too and she grabs one off the shelf. He double checks to make sure it is just a fountain that sprays color and she assures us it is. Good thing he has a witness to this conversation. That's all I'm saying. Otherwise, my sister really might have killed him last night.

Troy advises Ms. Fireworks Seller we will be IN the city limits and that we need things that are quiet and can be done in the backyard with no one getting arrested. He just wants a little bit of color and light to get Burim exposed to fireworks. Oh yes, she assures us, this one will be fine. "It's just a sparkler fountain that sprays pretty colors," and she makes a waving motion around the top of the cone to demonstrate how the pretty, pretty colors will come out. He points to one that is twice the size of the one we just added to the stack and she says that one will be fine too. He adds it the pile, I am shaking my head, and remind him we are NOT going to his sister's and I start laughing telling him he is definitely his mother's son. Now I am full-fledged tugging on Troy's sleeve and reminding him that Burim is only 3 when I notice that his eyes have glazed over and he appears to be in some sort of fireworks trance. ENOUGH! Time to go. We hide our illegal loot in the trunk under all of my Canton goodies and head back to civilization.

We go watch fireworks in the parking lot of the Grapevine Mills mall and Burim could care less about them. He ends up running around the parking lot and playing with his ball instead of looking at them. I think we have possibly burned him out on fireworks since we have been taking him up to the Ballpark after the Rangers' games to watch them in the parking lot. He doesn't appreciate them the way Shannon and I do since we only got to see them once a year in the parking lot of my step-dad's job at Fort Hood and those were nothing to get too excited about but we loved them. Troy announces he thinks it will be more fun to go back and do our sparklers instead.

When we get in the backyard, I am a little concerned with the crunching sound under my flip flops and I ask Shannon when is the last time she watered her grass?! She said she is just letting it die so I am a little concerned since it is STILL 96 degrees at 10:30 PM. Troy and Artan (my brother-in-law) appear to care not one bit and off they go, setting stuff on fire. I see embers glowing in the grass and my nervous memories of my mother's stern warnings are creeping up and making my tummy start to hurt. Of course, my mother (our adult supervision) is nowhere to be found, she crashed before the sun went down and was snoozing 1.5 miles a way. She probably woke up about 5 minutes later though...

Burim LOVED the sparklers and was running all around with them and was enjoying throwing his poppers on the ground and getting all excited when one actually popped and he made a sound like a wild animal and did his arms in little muscle man poses, showing us his brute strength (LOL) every time one made the loud noise.

Troy pulls out the sparkler fountain and Shannon glares at him (we were both worried the grass was going to catch on fire and burn the house down) and wants to know what it is. "Oh, it is just a sparkler fountain," I advise her knowingly, since I am now the fireworks expert in our family. "You put it on the ground and color comes out of it, just like a sparkler but it's a fountain." She still doesn't look convinced. Troy is trying to put it in the grass and I am yelling at him that isn't a good idea and he better put it on the concrete and she is yelling at him that he better keep it away from her pool. He is ignoring both of us and thinks we are idiots and hysterical females and Artan is still throwing poppers all over the place and holding three and four sparklers at a time to make a bigger fire. Troy puts the sparkler fountain on the grass and goes to light it. Shannon is glaring at him and goes to grab the garden hose and I bust out laughing.

What happened next, I only wish we had on video or at least had a couple of pictures. Now, keep in mind, we are in Shannon's backyard- of her DUPLEX, and we are well within the city limits and less than a mile from the big sign on the side of the road that says "Fireworks are strictly prohibited in the city limits". Just keep that in mind while you read on....

5 seconds after Troy lights the pretty sparkler fountain, it goes from a nice little light show on the ground to sparks start shooting up and FIREWORKS (actual fireworks) start shooting up in the air and over the house. Whistling and then exploding it goes off over and over and over and over again. My face is horrified and I am running towards the gate. I don't know where exactly I was headed but I was booking it out of there. I am too spoiled to be in jail. I would never survive.

Burim is standing transfixed staring at this explosion of light in his very own backyard with his eyes wide in amazement. Shannon is in shock and is looking like she honestly might kill Troy with her bare hands- or strangle him with the garden hose she is clutching for dear life. I am now laughing so hard I can't stop and am yelling at Troy, "MAKE IT STOP!!!!! We are going to get arrested!" He is looking a little panicked and just keeps saying, "It wasn't supposed to do that! She SAID!" He told me later that all he kept thinking is, "Oh my GOD, how long is it going to do that and can I make it stop?!" When I say it was LOUD, I am not kidding. We were full blown shooting off a fireworks display right in the middle of town. Kaboom, kaboom, kaboom, whistle, kaboom, over and over and over again. I am positive it was fine my mother didn't come over because she could surely see it from her apartment down the road, and I am thinking Troy's mom might have been able to see it in Mesquite 30 miles down the road too. Just when I think Shannon is about to douse the fountain AND my crazy husband with the garden hose, the screeching finally comes to an end and we are all just standing there in shock staring at each other.

It was a little thrilling to be completely honest (mostly AFTER it was over and no siren came roaring down the street) and I have never broken the law so blatantly (okay aside from speeding like a demon) so there was a little rush of adrenaline. But mostly, it was scary and hilarious all at the same time. Definitely a holiday memory for all time.

For future reference, the salesgirl at window 3 of the largest fireworks stand in Texas is a big fat liar and should NOT be trusted! That girl will tell you anything to sell you anything! LOL! Needless to say, we wrapped up our festivities and Troy quietly tucked the sparkler fountain that was three times the size of the one we had just set off back into our "top-secret big brown paper bag" and went and hid it back in the car. We were living on the edge last night but we aren't TOTALLY insane. :-)

Hope everyone had a happy and safe 4th- we definitely had a happy one and the safe part, while debatable, ended up alright in the end. Happy Birthday America and God Bless the USA!

Love,

Becca

Time flies....

2009-07-01T19:40:00.003-05:00

Okay, people, you are going to have to start yelling at me on Facebook to stop playing Bejeweled and get my bootie over to my blog and post a new entry! I am serious when I say I cannot believe it has been almost a month since my last post. Unacceptable. But really, I guess I have been slacking all over the place since summer hit.

For some reason, I think because my sister is on summer break- I am too. Just ask my boss, I have been acting like I am on vacay for the last month and have spent the time I have been working trying to figure out new ways to take more time off. I triple love hanging out in the pool with my favorite little guy Burim and I love getting tan (tan fat=better than white fat, this is a proven fact) and I love gabbing the day away with Shannon and then facebooking on my phone while she facebooks on her computer and we are totally commenting to each other while we are sitting there staring at each other. I am aware this makes BOTH of us dorks but I don't care because I love it! Having those random fun days with her and her baby boy make it nearly IMPOSSIBLE for me to stay staring at the computer and sitting inside lovely government buildings all day. All I can think about is how much fun they are having without me and wondering WHY WHY WHY I am not a teacher for the million and tenth time. Oh yeah- I could NEVER get to work on time every day and being trapped with 20 to 30 kids in a room is my idea of torture. But the summer break....that I can do!

So, even though I am supposed to work this Friday and this Monday, I am spending this evening conniving a way to take both of those days off so I can hang out 3 miles down the road. I have spent so much time figuring that out, I guess I forgot to blog. Oh yeah- and work. I did get caught up today though so that month of slacking is behind me and I can move on to a NEW month of slacking. Yeah!

I am still going strong with the weight loss, down another 2 pounds last week. I have dropped about 3 sizes so far. My sister advised me on Friday that she knew I had lost weight because my boobs were smaller. Gotta love little sisters. Couldn't my REAR be smaller? Or my STOMACH or big flabby arms? Nope. Boobs. Such is life, I suppose anyway. I have backed off of my full-steam-ahead workouts 7 days a week. I say it is because I was worried about pushing too hard and getting injured...Troy says it's because I think I am on summer break and am stopping work of ALL types. Hmmmmm. What does he know? I bargained with myself that if I wasn't going to work out everyday, I had to change my contract with myself and drink 4 bottles of water each day instead of 3. I realize this makes no rational sense but it is how I am reconciling it all in my brain to justify my summer of leisure. Plus, the heat index IS over 100 and I would prefer NOT to die of heat stroke, I think it would hurt.

That's all for tonight. I will make a promise to do three things before I go eat my vegetable soup. I will go to water aerobics in the morning, I will walk/run on Friday morning, and I will blog again on Sunday. I talked to a friend from high school tonight (when I say talked, I mean facebooked of course, I rarely talk on the phone for pleasure anymore, it is always work and by the time I get done I have NO desire to do ACTUAL talking with anyone. When I finally peel the phone away from my ear or have it surgically removed for the week, I throw it in my purse or turn it on silent and shove it under my pillow. No idea why, but that's what I do. Don't judge!) and we traded blogs...that's when I came over here to peek at mine and I thought, OMG she is probably wondering why I am passing out my blog when I haven't posted in a month. Thus, this totally random and bizarre entry for tonight. To ease my guilty conscience. :-) It's my blog. I can do that if I want to.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
Becca

WW update

2009-06-08T11:56:00.009-05:00

Several have asked, so I wanted to update real quickly. I am still doing Weight Watchers and it is going really well. This picture was taken last week (that's my best friend Peggy with me). SR says that shirt doesn't do me justice since it was so big. But it does describe how I'm feeling to a "T"!

WW's new program, Momentum, is the best program (or updated version of their program) that I have seen so far. I absolutely love it! There is a real focus on the healthy guidelines and on eating foods that are considered "simply filling". I have redefined what I want out of the program and am completely focused on getting HEALTHY and am considering the weight loss that is coming with it an added bonus. We are walking/running 3 miles a day and I have joined the gym and already been more times in two weeks than I went the entire year I had my membership in 2003. :-) I was so nervous to join water aerobics last week that I thought I might puke before I got there- but it was SO much fun and I loved it! It is on my calendar for the rest of the summer already!

I am dropping sizes like crazy and it won't be long (like probably this weekend) and I won't have to be in the plus sizes anymore. Yeah! I am sleeping 7 to 8 hours a night and I feel absolutely fabulous. So, for those who are curious as to the numbers...I am down to 85 pounds to lose! Never thought that would sound so manageable but considering how far I had to go when I started, this seems easier every day.

Between myself and Troy, we are over 40 pounds lighter as a couple. Isn't that crazy?! He looks like a different person already. I am trying not to be too jealous that people can notice so much more easily on him than they can on me. This has brought us so much closer as a couple and I am so grateful for that and for his improved health. He has serious issues with his lungs due to complications from a near-fatal bout of pneumonia two years ago and getting exercise and losing weight is very important for his health. Since I need him to stick around for a while (I need all the funny blog posts he provides...just kidding) I will deal with all the attention going his way...my turn will come. :-)

I am still sticking with my contract with myself and have made even more positive changes. My good friend, Ceci, told me several months ago that when she stopped working so much and started focusing on her health and dedicating time to HER, everything else fell into place and she was happier than she could remember being in a long, long time. I was SO jealous at the moment she told me that and I felt so overwhelmed. How could I make that same commitment? How did I take that first step? How could I stop working so much? It didn't seem possible at all. But that premise stuck in the back of my mind and when my vacation came around in April, I decided she was really on to something and that if I wanted it badly enough then I was the ONLY person who could make it happen. The rest, as they say, is history. Now I am "UNSTOPPABLE"! :-) Thank you Ceci! I love you girl!

XOXO,

Becca

Oh my poor husband!

2009-05-31T10:38:00.004-05:00

He had no idea when I started blogging to fulfill my own need for written expression and stress relief that he would be subjected to full public disclosure of the antics that go on in this home. I do just want to preface this post with the fact that HE was the one who asked me if I was going to blog about it when it happened....and I did get his permission to proceed. :-)

Troy is NOT a handyman and would much rather live in an apartment where the maintenance is someone else's responsibility and just a phone call away. My friends often tell me I should just threaten him that I am going to hire someone to complete the pending work and projects around the house and that this should "scare him" into finishing whatever it is. Not my husband. He would be ecstatic if I would just go hire someone and he would go merrily about his own business. Every once in a great while though, he surprises me and gets the bug to complete some long-ago started project without my constant whining and begging and pleading and groveling and bartering and....you catch my drift.

Friday was one of those days. Our guest bathroom has been in a state of "we're remodeling" for over a year now. It took me forever and a day to pick out the new mirror for this project and then to "Infinity and beyond" (to quote Buzz) to pick the new light fixture. So, much of the delay was in fact my issue....but the normal procrastination by Mr. Troy was also in play. We have had all of the new supplies eagerly lined up awaiting their new positions in the soon-to-be greatest guest bath ever (haha) for quite some time. Our housekeeper doesn't even bother to go in there any more- she is quite used to our remodeling antics that remain in a perpetual state of incompleteness and knows that I really just want her to dust and vacuum anyway. I am worried she might go into cardiac arrest when we leave that door open and there is actually a working light in there next week!

I work from home on Fridays and Troy's hours bring him to the house by 3 PM. So, that leaves about 1 or 2 hours that I have to keep working and keep reminding him that just because I am home doesn't mean I can party with him when he gets off work. This Friday, he barely stopped to kiss me on the forehead after his traditional "Lucy, I'm home!" greeting and disappeared into the darkness of the guest bathroom-land. Since we haven't had a working light fixture in that bathroom since Lassie was a pup, there is a big floor lamp plugged in to give us some light in case someone actually needs to use that restroom for the purpose it was intended in an emergency.

I am typing away, fielding calls from workers, and thinking in the back of my mind how surprised I am that Troy is not talking my ear off when I hear some very not nice words coming from the other side of the house. My husband is NOT a curser (I know this is shocking for some of you who are very close to me and don't know Troy all that well) so when he is cussing up a storm, I know something has gone awry. Ugh, what am I going to find in the guest bathroom that is going to set us back another 2 years? Before I can even make the journey around the hall, here comes my husband, sprinting across the bedroom into the bathroom that has an actual working light fixture in it and he is hiking up his leg in the mirror trying to catch a glimpse of something. "What the heck is going on in there Troy?! I am trying to WORK!"

"I burned my ass!"

"WHAT?"

"I BURNED MY ASS!"

I am so confused at this point I am not sure what in the world is going on. I put aside the pink laptop, sigh loudly (so he will be sure to know how inconvenienced I am at this point), and venture into our bathroom. There is Troy, dressed in a T-shirt and underwear, looking at his rear-end in the mirror. My eyebrows are all scrunched up trying to figure out exactly what has happened.

"Do you see it?!" He is not a happy camper I take it.

"See what?"

"My burned ass!"

Hmmmm, I do see something, what the heck is that? He points to a huge silver dollar sized red burn right on the bottom of his bum. It certainly looks like a burn. He does not appear to appreciate my slowness in accepting that he has burned his ass. "What were you doing," I inquire. "Trying to finish patching the hole in the wall!" I am still not understanding how this led to a burned rear-end. And why isn't he wearing any pants?! "I didn't want to get texture on my shorts!" He is really not getting any happier with me at this point. His bootie really looks kind of painful! That puppy is turning redder by the second!

"Exactly how did you burn your ass?"

"On the light bulb dangit!"

"Why was the cover off the lamp?"

"So I could see better!"

"How did that work out for you?"

"I burned my ass!"

Apparently, when he was stepping down off of the vanity top, he didn't realize the lamp was right behind him and set his bottom straight on top of the bare, exposed light bulb. I laughed so hard, I nearly cried. My worker actually thought I WAS crying when I had to pause from the riveting investigation into the burned rear-end to take a work phone call. I had to breathe deeply to be able to calm down enough to talk to her intelligently. Then came the all important question from my burned hubby...."Are you going to BLOG about this?!" Well........of course I am. You just can't make this stuff up.

Lord, I just want to say thank you for bringing this man into my life. Without him, I would have never known the joy of true love, the blessing of marriage, and the gift of great fun and laughter.

A good deal

2009-05-22T23:25:00.008-05:00

I LOVE good deals. I don't shop often (I know, I am weird like that) but when I do, I am practically obsessed with getting the best deal. I don't buy ANYTHING if it is not on sale. This applies to food, clothes, memberships, everything. I could practically open my own Bath and Body Works store out of my spare bedroom because of the good deals I have gotten there. I am the master of coupons, special offers, coupons combined with sales and specials, you name it. One time, I bought a $65 shirt for $3 at Petite Sophisticate (my used to be FAV store before they closed). I have gotten so many items for free or $2 or less, it is ridiculous. I love it. It is like a high for me. It is so addicting! We are like a trained army on Black Friday and the day after Christmas. We both have our marching orders and we divide and conquer then meet back in the middle where I scour the receipts to see how much we saved and squeal with glee over each increasingly good find. We are serious about our good deals! Well, I am anyway, I think Troy just plays along....but he has been known to venture out on his own and gloat about some of his better conquests in this department...so I think he MIGHT be on board, at least a little bit. I do know he doesn't think we need any more candles...so I hope they don't go on sale again any time soon.

My dear friend and I were in our once-a-month Leadership session at work yesterday when our trainer dismissed us for lunch. We have been known to connive her into letting us go straight through lunch, only take 30 minutes, or to go and pick stuff up and then eat as a group back in the class, all in order to get out of there early. My friend and I immediately started our typical wheeling and dealing but were quickly shut down by our facilitator. "I have lunch plans," she announced and quickly followed up with, "And they are not negotiable." UMPH! We pouted but to no avail. An hour and a half lunch then back for one hour? Ugh. Annoying! We always go to Chick-fil-A on these dates and couldn't figure out how we might draw that out any longer than possibly 30 minutes- tops. My suggestion- we can go shopping! She quickly agrees and we are off. This could definitely spell trouble...

Kirkland's is one of my absolute favorite stores. I literally think it is possible I have spent an entire year's salary in this place up to this point in my life. We go in and see they are having a huge sale (BONUS!) and that many things are marked off 50% or more. YES! We each find something relatively quickly and the drug starts coursing through our veins....ahhhhhh, the adrenaline is pumping. The store manager comes over and informs us that in the back room of the store (a top secret back room? I am in heaven!) there is an entire stockpile of stuff that is not only 50% off....it is another 25% off the lowest marked sale prices. I believe I have won the lotto at this point and am in absolute shopping Utopia. We both managed to load up with so much stuff we had to start a stash behind the counter. I was amazed that each of us got out of there for only $100. Even better! I triple love when I get a ton of items and then figure out the per-item-cost for my haul. When it is $5 to $10 a pop or less, I feel absolutely exhilarated and totally successful. With the fabulous stuff I got...I was even more thrilled. Two items alone that I purchased would have cost $100 regular price and I got 14 items. Victory!

We went back again today and brought along our 3rd musketeer (yeah, this is how it STOPS being so cost-effective in Troy's eyes). We loaded up again and this time got out of there for only $50 each (well, not the 3rd musketeer, but she had to catch up from yesterday! PLUS- she bought stuff NOT on sale! I nearly fell over!). I have done everything possible to convince Troy this was a good thing and that when he takes me back again tomorrow, by mathematical principle....it should be FREE! For some reason....I don't think HE is buying what I'm selling. :-)

xoxoxoxoxoxo,

Becca

For Tina

2009-05-19T18:03:00.007-05:00

I am broken hearted tonight for my husband's aunt and her family. Not only is her father-in-law in the end stages of terminal cancer, they had to make a final decision today for their Schnauzer, who they have had for many, many years.

So instead of blogging...I will post what is said better than I ever could and hope that I can find the strength to do what she is doing for her beloved Roscoe when I can no longer bear the pain of our own loyal and faithful companion, Buster's, suffering. I am praying tonight for Roscoe to finally be at peace and restored to full health when he is in the kingdom of heaven in the face of our Lord, for my aunt to find solace amidst her sorrow, and for God to give them the strength to survive what this week has yet to come and they will feel His love as He works to heal their broken hearts.

Much love,
Becca

Dear Abby,

Will you please reprint a request from a dog to its' owner, beseeching the owner to put him to sleep when life ceases to be a happy experience?It has been several years since I read it in your column, but I hope you will print it again, as it will be a great help to a member of my family who is having a hard time accepting the inevitable end to a 15 year relationship between himself and his best friend.

Eva A. Michaud
Bangor, Maine

Dear Eva: With pleasure, here it is.

A Dog's Prayer

by Beth Norman Harris

Treat me kindly, my beloved master, for no heart in all the world is more grateful for kindness than the loving heart of me. Do not break my spirit with a stick, for though I should lick your hand between the blows, your patience and understanding will more quickly teach me the things you have me do.

Speak to me often, for your voice is the world's sweetest music, as you must know by the fierce wagging of my tail when your footstep falls upon my waiting ear. When it is cold and wet, please take e inside, for I am now a domesticated animal, no longer used to the bitter elements. And I ask no greater glory than the privilege of sitting at your feet beside the hearth. Though had you no home, I would father follow you through ice and snow than rest upon the softest pillow in the warmest home in all the land, for you are my god and am your devoted worshiper.

Keep my pan filled with fresh water, for although I should not reproach you were it dry, I cannot tell you when I suffer thirst. Feed me clean food, that I may stay well, to romp and play and do your bidding, to walk by your side, and stand ready, willing and able to protect you with my life. should your life be in danger.

And, beloved master, should the Great Master see fit to deprive me of my health or sight, do not turn me away from you. Rather hold me gently in your arms as skilled hands grant me the merciful boon of eternal rest.....and I will leave you knowing with the last breath I drew, my fate was ever safest in your hands.

Really?

2009-05-18T19:59:00.003-05:00

We all knew there would be tests. Trials. Tribulations. Difficult days where I would be forced to push through and remember my new found dedication to me. To my sanity, my faith, my mental health and my overall well-being. To my peaceful outlook on life, my refreshed and relaxed state of mind. We all knew that day was eventually going to come.

I don't think that I was anticipating that the test would involve quite so MANY things going wrong in one day. But really....isn't that how it usually goes? Feast or famine. When it rains it pours. You catch my drift.

Today, the madness started early. About 8:37 to be exact (and yes, that is early to me). There were crazy emails. Then there were crazier emails. A lack of professionalism by people who I am going to choose to believe were just having a bad day....for lack of a better operational theory. Maybe they are even having a bad life. Not sure...but I am thinking it must be one or the other. I hope so anyway...otherwise....it is just sad to be that mean. It kind of is anyway but I digress.

Shortly thereafter, there was the hysterical call from my employee that I couldn't even understand.....two minutes before my unit got assigned a case that she had just closed and about 8 minutes after telling my only other worker she wasn't getting any cases today...I did understand enough from the first worker's frantic call to catch the bottom line....she ain't coming in today or anytime soon. Really? I suppose I shouldn't really be surprised at all.

Move on to realizing I had missed a deadline and my new laissez faire attitude was catching up with me in that department. Whoops! It's about balance folks...this is all new, still gotta work on that part. Then....I forgot to eat lunch! Really? (You might ask yourselves.) Yes. Really. There went my perfect streak. Troy has never understood that one...how do people forget to eat lunch...I tell him to just hang out with me for one solid work day and he will understand. He has yet to take me up on it...but he still isn't buying it and has no sympathy when it occurs...he describes it as "ridiculous". Umph. Really.

Continue on to realize I was a tad close to missing another deadline (the OLD Rebecca would never have stood for this nonsense!)... but it was just CLOSE and not quite missed. This is a good thing! Hooray for me! My day is turning around. Really? That would be the logical assumption. I tried to hurry up and whiz through that task only to realize the provided instructions were not working. Ugh. So I had to go ahead and confess I hadn't even started yet (noting on the instruction email dated 5/1 where it said "this will only take you 1o minutes and it is IMPERATIVE you start now"....UGH). I sent my confession only to realize three minutes later that the instructions WERE working. And of course I figured it out before I even got a response back from my confession (but not before getting a read receipt for my email)...I just wasn't using the correct login ID. I told on myself for nothing! REALLY?! Oh well, my new found outlook on life kept me smiling and trucking along. So what if I told on myself? I was taking care of it now and that's what was important. Really? Hmmmm.

I set up the email request for this task and put myself on the "To" line so that I could put the people I wanted to be the "non-disclosed recipients" on the BCC line. Or so I thought. Really? Nope. I send the email out and get about 11 read receipts right off the bat. This is great! People will finish in no time. Imperative, schmerative! Piece of cake getting this done, no need to start on the 1st when you can wait till the 18th and get this type of response time! Really? Not so much. For some reason, I went back to check the email I had just sent and that BCC line was missing one big letter. And it was the B (as in BLIND). UGH. Really? Yep. Really. Now my supposedly anonymous survey had just gone out where everyone could see exactly who was invited to take it and who wasn't. Guessing that message recall option was out too...remember, 11 read receipts from my super speedy peeps? Yep. Really.

Oh well. Live and learn. It'll all come out in the wash as they say. Anyway, now the work day is over and we are free to enjoy our evening and put this horrific day behind me. Right? Or should I say....really?

I planned a DELISH dinner for our newly appointed "Grill Night" set to occur every Monday starting at 5 PM sharp. For those who might be curious (and just because it sounds so awesome, I want to write about it again here), we were having BBQ lime grilled chicken breast, Cajun grilled corn on the cob, garlic broccoli and watermelon. Sounds FAB doesn't it? Really! It really does! Everything was right on schedule and I was putting my BEAR of a day behind me. The smell wafting in from outside was UN-Be-LIEV-ABLE. Really. Uh-huh. Troy comes in from outside shaking his head. "I guess we know how long the propane will last," he is muttering. Yes, we had been wondering about that. What does that have to do with anything tonight? And, keep in mind- I didn't have lunch, remember?

"Did we just run out of propane?!"

"Yep."

"Really?!"

"Why would I make this up?"

"UGH."

REALLY. That's about how my day went. But really (is that getting old yet? Oh yeah? It is? Really?! Oh, okay, I'll stop now.)...all in all, it was a beautiful day. I went for a 2.6 mile walk in the sunshine and great weather and was blessed to do it with minimal pain and to have my mom for company. I got to gab with my best friend and crack jokes (when I should have been eating lunch but still) and we laughed so hard we nearly cried (that's the best kind). I had a wonderful dinner (eventually) with a wonderful guy. Today I got to talk to my mom, my sister, my mother-in-law, and my dear SR. I got to spend another day with my dog whose remaining days are few...but while he's here is happy to be and is as loyal and grateful as the day is long. My washing machine started working again (praise GOD for that- have you priced those things lately?!). Our check finally came in that we are using to pay off a major credit card.

So.....actually, it was a great day and all of those tests, trials and tribulations were just there to make me appreciate it all the more. I think I posted about this not too long ago....isn't it funny how the same set of circumstances are perceived so differently simply based on your own perspective and frame of mind? Two months ago, I would have considered this a yucky bad day and I would have let it consume my evening and my ME-time. But, it wasn't a bad day. Not really. ;-) Sorry, I couldn't resist...just one more time.

*****Dedicated to one of my favorite SNL segments....can you guess what it's called? REALLY. (No, really. That's what it's called!)*****

Live, laugh, love...
B

Good thing I don't live alone....

2009-05-16T13:45:00.003-05:00

Well, I guess it is a good thing. The bad part is there is a witness. The good part is that if I ever get too wild and crazy- there is someone there to protect me. To slap me awake if needed. Mr. Dix decided to spend the better part of the morning today filling me in on this month's antics to date. And when I say antics- I mean my bizarre activities after I have allegedly gone to sleep for the night. When I was a kid, I used to sleep walk all of the time...so much so that my step-dad had to install a special lock on the top of the front door after I went out in the middle of the night in my PJ's trying to get into his big orange truck. I still remember that night and I was on a MISSION! I have also gotten into the laundry detergent, started the washing machine while it was empty, left the freezer and refrigerator doors wide open, and started running water in the bathroom. I did many other entertaining things as a child in my sleep, including impersonating an alien with my index fingers flicking up and down on each side of my head while turning from left to right....and people (and by people I mean my MOM) love to bring them up at inopportune times in my adult life.

Fast-forward to 2009 and for some reason...the antics have begun again. Not sure if they ever stopped completely, but for whatever reason, I have kicked it into high gear in the last 6 months. Two weeks ago, I allegedly was asleep on my stomach and all of a sudden pushed myself up with my arms, craned my neck around the room, grinning like a fool, started stroking Troy's arm and then reached over and licked his arm. LICKED HIM. This is his story. Sad part is, I kind of semi-remember it. But the way I was living it, we were having a nice romantic conversation and I reached over to give him a sweet, soft kiss. Apparently, that ain't how it actually went down.

Earlier this month, I again sat up straight in bed and began demanding to know where Josh Hamilton was and what had Troy done with him. (Josh Hamilton plays for the Texas Rangers for those who may not know. Never met him. Not my favorite player. The only thing I do know is that he is on a TV commercial right now and perhaps I saw it before going to sleep.) Whenever Troy refused to disclose his location, I proceeded to start throwing the pillows off the bed and pulling our two mattresses apart to look in between them and under the bed. Troy was laughing so hard telling me this part he nearly had tears in his eyes. He had to physically restrain me to keep me from tearing the house apart to find the elusive Mr. Hamilton.

Troy says whenever these episodes happen, I sit straight up in bed like I am possessed. Then I get this super goofy look on my face and start grinning from ear to ear. Of course, there is no photographic evidence of this (YET) so I only have his word to take for it. He is so amused when reliving the details that I find it hard to believe it isn't accurate. And his impersonation has me rolling too and it is pretty much the same goofy look every time.

So, apparently, last night, I again woke up with the goofy look. Grinning like a fool again, I demanded to know, "Where did that guy go?" Troy tried to ignore me but I was insistent. "He was right here," I demanded. "Standing right over there," pointing next to the bed. Troy is laughing so hard at this point in his re-telling, he has ME crying. Troy informed me there was nobody there, and if he was there, he didn't see him, and he isn't here now. He said after he finally convinced me he had gone, I got a smug look of satisfaction on my face and drifted back off to dream. Lord knows about what. I have no recollection of this event AT ALL- a little scary if you ask me.

So far, my antics at night have not gotten me into any trouble or led to me or anyone else being injured...but I just pray that the day doesn't come where I start calling other people, dialing 911 about the crazy man standing next to our bed, escaping from my house and looking for my dad's old orange truck, or start talking about crazy stuff that I would be better off NOT bringing up to my husband (like my candle addiction). Troy pointed out today that this is yet another reason we do NOT need a gun in the house. He doesn't want me waking up shooting at imaginary people who have crawled underneath our bed to find out where Josh Hamilton ran off to.

I think I could use a nice, long, Saturday nap. While Troy is gone....so I can sleep in peace.

:-)

Becca

Peace at Last

2009-05-11T21:37:00.004-05:00

I really don't have the right words to do justice to the the way I am feeling now. I am more relaxed, more refreshed....more peaceful than I remember being in a very, very, very long time. I feel HUMAN again. I am not sure if I can attribute all of this new found peace, love, and happiness to my recent 3 week vacation...but it did not hurt.

I made a huge commitment to myself when I was off. It took help from just about every single person I know- and some people I don't know- to figure out what exactly I have been doing wrong- and what I needed to do to make it right (I think that second part is always the most difficult!). I am the most dependable person when it comes to work- I needed to find that same trust-worthiness when it came to depending on me for ME.

To be honest, although I owe so much to so many friends and family members, the best words of wisdom came from none other than the incredibly handsome and talented, Tim McGraw. I had heard this song at least a dozen times but never stopped to listen to the words. "That ain't nothing to die for." Truer words were never spoken (or sung as the case may be) to reflect what I was doing with my life.

"And the inbox outbox locks you in and the money you make ain't worth the time you spend to make your pay. The doctor says 'man your numbers they don't lie' The graveyard's full of folks that didn't have time to die"

The day I truly heard those words...they stopped me cold. "Don't have time to die?" That couldn't describe me any better. The day I was in an extremely serious car accident- I called my JOB before I called anyone else and said I might be a little late. Now, to be fair, I had been knocked unconscious and had a really bad concussion....but that is just me using a convenient excuse. I was devastated that day to let my JOB down and I was so worried about it until I saw the looks of fear on the face of my mom, sister, nephew, and husband as they peered down at me while I was strapped to the stretcher, not allowed to move. Should it take seeing that worry that I might DIE to switch my focus to MY LIFE? Of course not....but that is how I have been living for the past 10 years.

What in the world was I doing with my life? I spend each and every day working from the moment I wake up, till the time I go to sleep, and wake up at night thinking about and dreaming about work. I was spending ZERO time on Rebecca and almost as little time on my family and friends. I am not exactly sure what I have been running from, hiding from, for all this time...but I do have a few very painful ideas. Infertility....the loss of my step-father....the loss of my grandfather....these are all things I have never fully dealt with as I consumed myself with work to get through them. Work has been my crutch.

The truth is- my job and my work are in fact very important. I am dedicated, I am an over-achiever, and I CARE. Those are important qualities in the field of child welfare and I have always prided myself on being one of the best there is. I have used those qualities as an excuse to work myself into the ground for the greater good. The children and families I work with have ALWAYS been well served and better off because they had ME. My employees were always fortunate to have been taught by me. My bosses lives made easier because they had me. I honestly and truly believe that. With all my heart. I still believe it is true.

But the fact is that I can be the best there is BECAUSE of those traits- without working 24/7/365. I don't always have to be the one to say yes. I don't always have to be the one willing to do what no one else is. The world isn't going to end if my stats are not perfect. If I am not perfect. If my unit isn't perfect. I need to take some of those great qualities and make MY life great too- not just those around me. How much better would things be for not only me but also them if I put that into action? I have been blessed with talent and I have only thought I was using it to the best of my abilities- but in the process, I was wasting so much potential not realizing how much more I had to give- to me and those I love. Not just those I serve.

I looked at myself in the mirror while I was off and I hated what I saw. Not just was I disgusted with what had become of my weight but I saw the pain, the strain, and the pull in my face. I told several of my friends- I was aging before my very eyes. The long hours, the never-ending work week/month/year, the lack of sleep, the poor diet, the caffeine intake, the constant stress, pressure, and deadlines, it had all completely changed ME, my face, my aura, my personality, my being. I was beyond tired, exhausted, worn, and battered and I was empty. It was time I took control back of ME and my LIFE.

People who know me well were concerned by my new found philosophy on life. Not concerned that I was making the change. But concerned I could never keep it up and wondering how many days, or hours, or even minutes, it would last once I returned. I also had my doubts. I nearly made myself sick before I returned worrying about how I was going to keep this promise to myself.

I have been back for two weeks now. I have not worked late one night. I have not "cheated" on my diet once. I have eaten breakfast and lunch every day. I have slept 8 hours every single night. I have had dinner with my husband and not checked my email while we ate. I have had dinner with my husband before 10 PM! I have had dinner with my husband on REAL plates. We have gone shopping, gone to the zoo, I have gone to get pampered at the spa....I have gone to lunch with my best friend and spent time talking to other friends. I randomly dropped by to see my sister on a Thursday night- and didn't check my email or talk on the phone while I was there. I have sent workers' after-hours calls to voice mail- and not called them back till morning. I have turned off my phone at 5:00. And two weeks later- I like the woman I see in the mirror. I take that back- I LOVE her. I am smiling- my happiness is evident to all around me. I feel so much peace. I feel so blessed. I am HAPPY. I am sticking with the promises I made to MYSELF and all areas of my life are just falling into place. The world hasn't stopped because I don't respond to email at 10 PM, 1 AM, etc., anymore. It's a miracle! :-)

I am not sure where I would have ended up if Tim McGraw hadn't put that song on the radio to save my life (oh what? You don't think that's what happened? UMPH!) and make me see the error of my ways. But it wouldn't have been pretty- that I do know.

Where I am now is where I want to stay. I take that back- I want to GROW from here. I want to take my new energy, my new freedom, my new passion for LIFE and do bigger and better things than I ever thought possible before. Before, when I was only focusing on the one area of my life that I KNEW I could bring greatness to....I was selling myself and everyone else short. Now....the possibilities are endless.

Thank you Lord for helping me see the light. Thank you for giving me the time I needed to get here. Thank you for giving me the strength to get through it all to make it to this point. Thank you for giving me the talent, the wisdom, the skill to do whatever I want and the knowledge that it is possible. And thank you for being patient and forgiving my imperfection while I took my detours to find the right path. Thank you for letting me find my way through the pain so that I could fully appreciate these feelings I have now. And thank you for loving me when I couldn't even love myself.

A more successful night

2009-05-04T20:10:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to share a little bit of GOOD news on the grilling front. Tonight we had grilled turkey breast, grilled corn on the cob, and grilled pineapple. It all turned out fantastic and no one gagged, spit it out, or broke out in a rash. It was DELISH! We even made the little Betty Crocker warm delight mini's with Light Blue Bell Ice Cream for dessert. What a perfect night!

Now- don't you wish you had come for dinner? :-)

Becca

As Promised...

2009-05-02T16:28:00.000-05:00

Last Sunday night, Troy and I were shopping at SAM's. We happened across some lobster tails which were on sale and looked to die for. They were HUMONGO! We love lobster and lots of other seafood and have prepared it all at home before and decided it would be a nice dinner to have before I went back to work from my vacation. We eat at Uncle Julio's all the time and split their awesome "Cadillac platter" which is fajitas but with a grilled lobster tail. It is absolutely SCRUMPTIOUS. It is our Saturday "reward meal" after a long week of living right with moderate diet and exercise. We head over there right after our 10:00 Weight Watchers meeting, LOL.

I came home and "googled" grilling lobster tails and all of the sites indicated that this was a fairly simple task, takes "no time", and that even a "novice grillman" can pull this off. I am quoting. That's what it said. Even a novice.

We luckily figured out that our lovely tails were frozen and needed to thaw first so we put off our meal until Monday evening. Troy came home and fired up the grill and I pulled out our prizes and started to prepare them. Well, they felt awfully cold and I realized that there was still some ice in the package. So, all the sites say you can run them under cold water to thaw them quickly- no problem. I proceed to do this and am starting to wonder how I will know when they are thawed...since they are in the shell? I can feel some of the meat outside of the shell and I think I am doing a pretty darned good job on my end of this deal and they appear to be defrosting nicely. The best I can tell anyway.

For those who aren't aware, my dear husband is allergic to shellfish. But in a really weird way. He can EAT shellfish- and it doesn't bother him. As long as it is WARM. He can't eat crab legs or shrimp that have been cooked and placed on ice, and he can't touch any cold shellfish- whether it is cooked or not- or he will swell up like the Michelin man. He tried to cook me a shrimp dinner once soon after we were married and I walked in the door to find him puffed up like the marshmallow man on Ghostbusters with his fingers unable to bend at the knuckles and pathetically looking at me saying, "I'm sorry honey! I tried, I really did!" I thought I was going to have to take him to the ER. I was horrified! So, people make fun of us, but whenever we go eat seafood, if it is cold at all, I have to do the peeling for him. That's just the kind of dedicated wife I am. (Cue LOL's from the peanut gallery.)

So, I have finished what I believe is my part relating to the lobster grilling experiment and Troy comes over to inspect my work and says, "Okay, now what do we do?" I look at him with confusion by his reference to WE and indicate that my handy work is complete! I have defrosted the meat. He says, "Well, I can't touch it, and we have to cut it out of the shell." I glare at him. Then I proceed to cut open the lobster on what he then points out is the WRONG side of the shell. Umph. Flip it over. Start again. I am not strong enough to get through the HARDER part of the shell. He is going to have to touch it. He gets the lobster out, and proceeds to wash his hands. The break out is already starting, but luckily no swelling yet. I think we are on the right path and moments away from enjoying our lobster delight. (Remember the google search? Takes NO time!)

Troy disappears outside with our scrumptious looking tails after I have seasoned them appropriately and I stay inside and begin cooking our very healthy brown rice and vegetables and setting the table. For some reason, I decide to head outside to watch my babies cooking on the grill. "Um." I look at the grill and tilt my head in confusion. "Troy, isn't the meat supposed to be on the grill? Not the shell?" Troy glares at me. "I have no idea!" He practically growls at me! I noticed that the rash was spreading. I am still happily anticipating my feast this evening and so I am confused by the glares. "What's the matter," I ask innocently. "This is stressing me out," my poor husband responds.

I realized at this point we might be well out of our comfort zone. He is trying to pull the meat out of the shell now, he nearly drops it in the fire at least twelve times and I am on edge not wanting my yummy dinner to burn up in flames. "Careful!" Now I am growling. His rash is getting worse. The lobster is now on the grill (meat actually touching the grill) and starting to curl up. Oh, yes, I think I remember now, we were supposed to soak some wood skewers and put them through the meat. Whoops. I keep quiet. Troy is poking them and says, "They are curling up. Did google say anything about that?" Hmmmm. "Maybe, I can't be sure. I might remember something like that. But wood skewers need to soak for 30 minutes, so too late now." More glaring. And more curling.

The websites all said that the lobster needed to cook for 10, 12 minutes tops, about 5 to 6 minutes on each side. We were working on 20+ minutes at this point and the meat still appeared to be slightly raw. We proceed to flip them. More curling. Still looking kind of raw. I decide that if I spoon my garlic, olive oil, and lemon juice marinade over them, perhaps it will help them cook. (I know, sounds yummy, huh?) I start to put one little spoonful on top of the tails and flames shoot up everywhere. I scream. Troy snatches the spoon. "Be careful! We are almost out of olive oil! Don't spill ANY." I am snapping orders now even though I am clearly not capable of handling the situation on my own. More glaring. Rash still spreading.

We finally decide that they are as cooked as they are going to get, after all, they have been cooking for 3 times the recommended cook time! We don't want our lobster getting tough. Who likes tough lobster? We bring our precious dinner inside and cut them open. Still look raw. "5 more minutes," I suggest but also more like a question. Glaring has now passed, sighing has begun. The tails go back outside. 10 minutes later, we decide they are ready to eat. Back inside to the table where the rest of the food is now ice cold.

Whenever we eat dinner at home together (happens rarely due to our schedules), I am the one who says grace. I take Troy's hand and we bow our heads. "Dear Lord," I begin. I am quickly interrupted by my husband. "Please just let me live." My head snaps up. "What!?" He looks truly panicked now. He thinks he is going to die. I glare again. I finish grace (also requesting that the good Lord let him live- after a little bit of thought) and proceed to eat my brown rice. He starts eating his grilled pineapple. I move to my pineapple. He moves to his rice. I am glaring more. "Are you going to eat that lobster?" He assures me that he is. "When?" He assures me he is just waiting for it to cool off for a minute. It has been cooking for like 6 hours now so it actually might need to cool off a bit. I'll concede the point.

After another 10 minutes, we each have nothing left on our plates except our big, honking, curled up lobster tails. He cuts off a small piece. I am watching, anxiously waiting. He puts it in his mouth. Next thing I know, he is gagging, spitting, and glaring some more. "It's not cooked," he declares. "WHAT?!" (I am yelling now.) We cooked those danged tails 4 times as long as they were supposed to be according to google! I even watched a you tube video! NOVICE grillman can fix them! That's a quote! My husband is NOT a novice grillman by any means, so just what is his problem that he can't cook this lobster?! He is poking it with his fork. (Probably still praying too.) He finally asks..."Are you sure this lobster was defrosted all the way?" Hmmmm. I do seem to remember some ice in that package. "Yes, I defrosted it by hand, under the water." He wants to know how I knew it was thawed. Since he was the one that cut it out of the shell. Hmmmmmm again. "Well, I suppose I can't be POSITIVE." More glaring.

We threw the lobster away. Good thing we also picked up some Cheerios at Sam's and that we both like eating cereal for dinner. Oh, and probably a really good thing the man loves me and vice versa. :-) Anyone want to come over for dinner next weekend?

Rain, Rain, Go Away!

2009-04-30T07:32:00.000-05:00

It is soooo much easier for me to walk outside for some reason than it is on the treadmill. The treadmill is a whipping! Walking outside in the fresh air, looking at the beautiful outdoors, and feeling the wind....that doesn't even feel like work most days. It feels like a blessing. So go away rain!

I had planned to meet my mom at 7:30 this morning to romp through the park but was awakened to two big dogs sitting on my head, trembling like leaves, at about 6:10 this morning. It was POURING outside. Sheets and sheets of rain were hitting my window and then before I knew it, here came the hail too. I called my mom and said, "Um, I guess we are NOT walking today?" and she informed me that she already knew this last night due to the weather report. Umph! I advised that would have been more helpful information LAST night when I was setting my alarm! :-)

Mom then proceeded to tell me about the latest on the swine flu and how concerned she is for me and all of the people at my job. Now, go back and note the time. 6 AM? I can't deal with the swine flu at 6 AM. I promised her we would be careful, wash our hands, and steer clear of coughing people. Then I reminded her that the state does NOT care about us (for the billionth time) and so NO they will not be providing us with hazard pay or masks, gloves, and HAZ-MAT suits that she thinks should be issued during this crisis, and that I was now re-setting my alarm and going back to bed. I am going to need my rest if I am going to hold off the swine flu without the state-issued haz-mat suit. Oh, and I better be sure to take my Flintstone vitamin this morning.

I should have just gotten up and gotten on the treadmill...but something about curling back up, crawling back into bed, and listening to the thunder and rain was screaming my name. I will get on the treadmill tonight....I promise. Now, I am going to catch 10 more minutes of sleep. :-)

Becca

P.S. Those of you who know me well enough in my adult life are aware of my propensity for catching random illnesses, bizarre medical issues, and, well, just about anything that is catching actually. I have asked Troy to PLEASE ensure if I should die of swine flu to make certain that information is NOT included in my obituary, my eulogy, or on my tombstone. Can y'all please hold him to that? No mention of pigs at my funeral please.

P.P.S. I have also requested liposuction post-mortem should I die before I get to my goal weight. Please donate to that collection if asked. It would be my final wish! And who can deny someone their final wish? :-) Mucho thanks!

Welcome Back

2009-04-28T20:16:00.000-05:00

I woke up at 2 AM this morning and was not able to get back to sleep. So where do I head? Facebook, of course. (Isn't that only rational??) I was finding cute flair and sending silly Twilight things to my friends when I came across a flair that said it all for me this week and that I should remember every week of my life:

"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)

I didn't expect to find scripture on flair...but there it was and it spoke the truth. I have been feeling so weak and almost broken...but the last few weeks have helped me find peace and with that, find strength.

Today, I returned to work after a THREE WEEK absence. *sigh*

I was starting to feel like a retired person who was still getting my full paycheck. Now that was an awesome feeling. :-) I have been dreading going back to work since about....hmmmm....well, just about the day I left....but when I walked in today, I remembered why I do what I do. I actually do love it. And I love my peeps. One of my favorite "peeps", my secretary, full-on attacked me when I walked in the door and stole not one, not two, but three big hugs from me and had me laughing out loud within 60 seconds. I didn't even realize how much I had missed her until I saw her. One of my workers nearly knocked me over trying to get in the door and wouldn't let me out of her sight for an hour. She was so excited, I had to keep chuckling to myself, and her exuberance was contagious.

That was how my morning started....and then the afternoon rolled around and I took my best friend out to lunch for her birthday (it was yesterday). We got to spend a complete hour together, uninterrupted (those of you who know where I work or who WORK where I work can appreciate the significance of an hour of uninterrupted time- it is almost unheard of!), just the two of us. We were just catching up and chit-chatting like we hadn't missed a beat. This is what being best friends is all about. It was fabulous and even though I actually did know how much I missed her, it was only intensified when we got to spend that time together today. We haven't gone that long without seeing each other or talking to each other in FOREVER!

Long and short of it...I am back to the place that makes me crazy but with a new and improved attitude, a rested body, and a fresh spirit. Funny how your perspective on everything changes based on how you are feeling at the time. Even though the circumstances are the same!

I consider my welcome back today a huge compliment- people usually are hoping their boss stays GONE not running to greet them when they walk in the door. Whether or not I am worthy of this adoration is another post altogether; but for today, I soaked it up and took it in and felt truly and absolutely blessed to be back, blessed to have the amazing staff who work for me, and blessed to have the absolute greatest friendships in the world.

Now that I am back, I know the madness will soon begin again....but I am steadfast in my other knowledge...."I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

Becca

P.S. My friend chose MEXICAN of all places to eat today and I stayed TOTALLY on program and didn't eat a single chip! Yeah me! :-))))))))

P.P.S. Tomorrow, I will blog about the lobster grilling experiment...stay tuned for some funny stuff. In my own humble opinion of course.

OMG

2009-04-25T20:37:00.001-05:00

Totally just realized it is ninety-SEVEN not ninety-EIGHT. Even better. :-) Sometimes it is AWESOME to stink at simple math.

Becca

Exhibit A

2009-04-25T15:18:00.001-05:00

Exhibit B

2009-04-25T15:17:00.000-05:00

WW

2009-04-25T14:35:00.001-05:00

Why is it so danged easy for men to lose weight?! It is so frustrating! Perhaps I should see below post on "patience" and realize that my current situation is going to require a lot of this...so maybe I need to go find that store I mentioned and charge some. :-)

Troy and I have headed back to our old sacred place- the lovely land of Weight Watchers. WW is my tried and true method of losing weight after I have packed on the pounds and I am never sure when I go back why I stopped going in the first place. I know it works- it has never failed me. There has never been one time that I have actually WORKED the program and haven't lost weight. In 2003, I lost 60 pounds and I kept it off for 3 years (see exhibit A picture). Fast forward to November 20th, 2006- the day that changed my life forever- my car accident....and then fast forward to 2009 (see exhibit B picture- BOO!) and here I am with all my weight back- plus some (why does that ALWAYS work that way?! Just once I would like to start back with LESS weight to lose and say- UMPH- so there!....maybe I could just try not LEAVING and then it would make it to where I never needed to go crawling back to my tried and true friends...something to consider).

We re-joined WW on April 11th- the day after my sister's 30th birthday party which consisted of ice cream, cake, and great Mexican food. I tried to maintain my composure as I handed her my old weigh in book and mumbled, "Yes, I am a lifetime member. I am going to try not to cry while we weigh me back in. And yes, I will have to pay. Obviously." (Sarcasm is another tried and true friend- of fat people. It is a defensive measure no doubt.) Thank GOD for that kind woman behind the counter. She patted me on the hand and said, "The important thing is you are back now, you are doing the right thing, and you aren't anywhere that we haven't been. We have ALL been there and we are glad to have you back." She was so kind to me, as my eyes were brimming with tears, I couldn't even bring myself to zing back another sarcastic retort. I just smiled weakly, trying to hold my breath on the scale after I blew all the air out of my lungs...praying for a miracle.

When I got my book back, I tried to not look at the number because I just knew I was going to bawl like a baby and the tears that were brimming were going to GUSH. Instead- I tried something different, I looked at the number, took a deep breath, and said, "Wow. I AM glad we are back!" It just felt great knowing that we were doing the right thing and moving in the right direction. (Then I double checked to make sure Troy still weighed more than me, LOL.)

So, the hard truth is- I have a LOT of weight to lose. Troy doesn't have quite as much but then he can button his pants BELOW his stomach...something I think women should catch on to. Okay, just kidding, that is not a pleasant mental picture. But it does appear to be convenient. To go back to my opening- yes, he has lost twice as much weight as me in the first two weeks. I want to bop him on the head. But I won't because the truth is- his health has suffered and his health is more important to me than me worrying about who lost what faster. I say that today. Next week it might start to get really annoying and I will start feeding him chocolate while he sleeps. On the other hand, I know how fortunate I am to have a husband who is so awesome as to go to WW meetings every Saturday with me. Of course, he is the star of the show up there (those ladies LOVE him)...so I don't feel like he is suffering all THAT much.

The horrifying number that I faced on my first day back- was a total of 107 pounds that have to be lost. By ME. My sister tells me she doesn't believe it is that much. As a dear friend and I discussed last week- I cannot prove it any more than I already have without sharing numbers- and I ain't willing to do that. :-)

I never thought I would be here...but here I am. I couldn't even think about it at first- it numbed my brain...broke my heart. I couldn't imagine what in the world I had been thinking the last 2 1/2 years- or what the heck I have been eating?! Thank GOD for my husband and my dearest friend, SR, who told me to ease up on myself and told me plainly to remember what I have been through...what I have suffered and to remember that I have done this before...and can do it again.

But it has gotten a little easier each and every day and here I am- two weeks later- dipping below that three digit number to 98 pounds left to lose. Why does that sound so much more manageable? It is still a lot! Not sure why- but it does and I am going with that flow. Today is the first day that I thought I could stomach writing about it. I decided that taking to my blog and putting it in black and white for the world (Okay, not that the world is reading my blog...but you never know! Maybe someday!) to see and hold me accountable to the numbers on this page instead of just the numbers in my head and my private little weight log book.

I have also decided that I will place the contract with myself here...feel free to challenge me on it anytime.

I will not eat any fast food (except Chick-fil-A, which I don’t think counts :-)). I will not drink soda. I will drink at least 4 bottles of water per day. I will work out (walking at a minimum) at least 3 times per week. This is my contract with MYSELF and myself only and I do not want to let me down!

Things I will commit to for my health:
1) Drinking water
2) Journaling every day
3) Measure my food
4) Eat at least 3 meals each day
5) No eating after 10 PM

I won't bore my friends with my weight loss saga every week...but I will post at least every month or two to keep myself honest, motivated, and accountable. Several of you have been so supportive and interested, I feel like you are on this journey with me and for that, I am truly grateful, and truly blessed.

Wish me luck! I can surely use it!

Becca

Patience...

2009-04-19T14:08:00.001-05:00

The journey of a thousand miles begins with....blah, blah, blah! I am lacking in one MAJOR area of my life...and this is PATIENCE. I have none. Zippo. Nada. It is horrible. I have come a long way in the last few years....but I still have unrealistic standards not only for myself, but for those around me as well. This causes me TONS of problems. I wish there was a class I could go to...or a store I could visit where it is being sold. My husband would likely be glad to "charge it" if need be. :-)

The subject of patience came up today on our outing to the park. It was myself, Troy Boy, my mama, my sister, and the baby. We were trying out a new trail and no one knew exactly where we were going or what we were doing. This led to a lot of stops and starts...obviously, for someone with NO patience, this would be a little frustrating. So, I started plowing, full steam ahead. I would jog back to where they were and then follow as they again tried to figure out where they wanted to go.

My mom (bless her heart, she is disabled and her activity and exercise is severely limited- I was SUPER DUPER QUADRUPLE proud of her for coming out with us today!!!!) had to call it quits after about 40 minutes. Troy went ahead and followed her over to the parking lot so that he could make sure she got into her car safely (I LOVE that man!) and sis and I went ahead over to another part of the trails. At this point, the baby was getting tired, although his answer to that question is 100% of the time "NO, I am NOT tired" when asked. My patience again got the best of me....and off I go making loops around the trail and seeing how far I can push myself to run at a time.

Troy comes back and joins us. He reaches over for my arm and says, "Babe- patience is going to get the best of you...." and I reply, "What are you talking about?!" (although it went more like this at this point...."What....are....you.....huff huff puff....TALKING...about?!"). He stopped me from running off again and said...."Baby steps, baby steps. You are just starting out again!" I tried not to be offended by this statement and of course, jogged on up ahead and when they joined us announced that we would be walking my sister and nephew back to their car and then proceed to walk back to our own car in another parking lot. My sister and my husband just looked at each other, shaking their heads.

We said our goodbyes at the car...tried to kiss my nephew who adamantly announced (for the first time EVER)- "I do not WANT you to kiss me Becca!" before we shut the door. I wanted to cry. But I didn't. Shocker! I know!

Then the hubby and I started our way across the big field to get back to our car. I was still a little winded but took a few moments to catch my breath before saying, "You know. It is not just exercise that I am like this with." Troy started smiling and says, "I know. It's EVERYTHING!" I was laughing at this point too and said, "Well THEN?!" Goodness!

More on the reason for all of this physical activity and the full steam ahead walking excursions later....now, I am going to try and be patient while I wait to fall asleep for a lovely afternoon nap.

:-)
Becca

Rainy Day

2009-04-17T12:35:00.001-05:00

So, I am going to give this blogging thing a whirl....what else is there to do when it is pouring down rain outside??? I suppose I could be reorganizing the closet....cleaning out kitchen cabinets even? But...nah! What fun is that? It has been storming outside since about 8:30 this morning. The thunder and rain should be calming and soothing, right? Well, not when you have two big fraidy cat dogs (how does that happen anyway?! DOGS who are fraidy CATS??? Hmmm.) who jump on top of you every single time the thunder claps....I feel like such a meanie but after the fifth time I am like "KNOCK IT OFF AND GO LAY DOWN!" Sheesh. I have limited patience available on my best day...and today isn't my best.

I am trying really, really, really HARD not to let something get to me...something I shouldn't have even seen today- but I am so stubborn and hard headed, I couldn't resist. I am under "strict orders" (or "strick orders" if you are Ms. Florey) not to work while I am on vacation. For anyone who has known me for any length of time in my adult life....you will know that this is next to impossible for me...I am just not wired that way. I didn't realize until about 2 years ago that I wasn't just simply a workaholic, obsessive, freak (ahem to those who might think otherwise)...but rather this is an INHERITED condition and I got it from my dad. He is as compulsive with his email and text messages as I am. My sister isn't far behind...so there you have it, it is in the blood so to speak.

Being the workaholic, obsessive, freak that I am....I checked my email. And what I read didn't only shock me. It hurt me. Hurt my feelings! I am trying to rationalize what I read...trying to make sure I am not being overly sensitive...and trying to remember, I shouldn't have seen what I saw for another 10 days...perhaps this was my punishment for violating those "strick orders"? Or perhaps it is just the tough love I have been promised to help me take care of me...My brain is whirling, trying to make sense of it....trying to process it...trying not to let work interfere in what I believe are honest and true friendships.

So, anyway, I suppose I will go back to enjoying my lazy day of rain, tv, and napping...and try to put the unpleasantness I came across on the back burner for now.

Hopefully, my next blog will be slightly more entertaining. But- WHEW- the first one is behind me! Yipee! :-)))))