My blog has forsaken me.

I came today to post a new blog entry because I am taking a few day hiatus from Facebook. I get here to find....my cute little blog is an eyesore with a big ugly screen in the middle of it that says "Photo/Video not found- has been removed or deleted". I guess I need to go find another new template but in the meantime, I just deleted HTML and went with the basics. Otherwise, I would end up with another really super duper cute blog .....and no new post.

For those who follow on Facebook, it won't come as any surprise that my surgery date has come and gone and I am well into the final stages of recovery. Physical recovery at least. :-) I'm going back to work part time next week and then full time the week after. Please pray for me that I can get through it with enough energy and as little stress as possible! It's going to be difficult- but I know I can do it.

I just wanted to drop by and say HOWDY since I hadn't posted yet again in many moons. I thought about challenging myself to a post a day or a post a week committment- but I decided I probably better stick with trying to heal, recover, get back to work successfully after being gone almost ALL year long, and not lose my mind before I start making any other types of committments and biting off more than I can chew.....this is progress for me. Yay!

I'll be back and post either later this month or in the month of October, I know I want to blog about our State Fair experience this year....Fried Margarita anyone?

Much Love,
RD

iPhone 4....A review

Okay....I have been dying, literally DYING, waiting for this phone to come out....so I may be just a tad biased. I'm not sure. But I do know one thing- I am BLOWN away. People have asked me "what the big deal is" and even called me names like "FREAK" (how rude! and yes, I know you are reading this and laughing Ms. AFFEI) because I have been so excited about this phone...but the excitement is totally justified....I promise. :-)

I have only been up and running for about an hour...but out of the box, the impression of the phone is: 1) Sleek and 2) Thin and 3) Decidedly Apple iPhone. I don't know how to explain that last one- it is just true.

Activation was SUPER easy- if you run into any problems, just re-start your computer and start with a fresh session of iTunes- it took less than 2 minutes, literally. Then the syncing takes a while longer depending on the amount of data you have before you start. Mine didn't take that long since I was upgrading from the older, 3G version that only held 8 gigs. Troy's took even less time because he has like nothing on his phone. While it is syncing, you can immediately notice a difference in the screen- it is like looking at crystal clear glass with amazing HD color. It is beautiful. I promise.

I turned on my wi-fi after I got it up and running (total time was less than 30 minutes I think) and I cannot even explain how fast the wi-fi is running. Like crazy fast. Like "I can't believe it really just did that thing that fast" fast. Crazy fast, I promise. Things are zipping right along, downloading at the speed of light, posting pictures and comments so fast, you double check to make sure you really did it....it's that fast. Significant improvement from my 3G phone.

FaceTime is an interesting little situation. WAY cool- and super easy to use- but WHOA- I was shocked to see my "end of day, worn out, been sitting in court all day and then walked across downtown to the parking lot in 100 degree heat to my car, and already washed off my make-up, face" staring back at me in High Definition when I hit the button to initiate the FaceTime call. I immediately said, "Oh HELL NO! Make it STOP!" It isn't for the faint of heart, that's for sure. Some of you blog readers who are impossibly cute and don't look a day over TWELVE even at our current age won't have a problem with this feature nor will the person on the other end of the line. People who have been working at CPS for 11 1/2 years and are aging by the second instead of the year....re-apply make-up (lots of make-up) before using FaceTime. Helpful tip number #104.

The screen that I alluded to in the activation/syncing stage is really beautiful. Everything is fluid, clear, bright, colorful....the screen is gorgeous. The apps look gorgeous. Texting is prettier. It is truly a beautiful beautiful beautiful screen. Troy referred to it as 3D when he first saw it because it really seems like the icons are standing out, floating on the screen. I have never seen a phone (or electronic/techno device) with a screen like this. It's crazy pretty. :-) Everything runs seamlessly, smoothly, etc. Like I said, it's crazy pretty!

The battery life we have all heard so much about and speculated as to its' merits....well, I have only been live now for (well, probably 2 hours now since I keep getting distracted writing this post) and the battery is still almost completely fully charged. I have taken about 10 phone calls, played 15-20 turns on WWF, organized all of my apps into folders, downloaded a few new apps, posted on FB, checked my email, taken video, and a few pictures. So, I'm loving the battery life right now (I'll keep an eye on this one though). For reference, I am on wi-fi, not 3G, at the moment.

I haven't tried out multi-tasking yet and I know a lot of apps are still trying to catch up to make it actually functional with the new phones and/or new OS. I gave up navigation in my car when I turned in the Lincoln for my Ford Fusion and I am thinking buying one of the apps sold on iTunes instead of getting a Tom-Tom or Garmin is going to be the way to go...especially with multi-tasking.

This last little tid-bit is applicable not only to the iPhone 4 but also to anyone who got the upgrade to iOS 4 as well. The making of folders for your apps is AWESOME. I have heard lots of people are complaining already because you can only put 12 apps in each folder....but it worked out fine for me and I am LOVING that all of my apps are now on one page (the home screen) instead of on 7 different pages.

If you are still on the fence about deciding whether or not to upgrade...I say, DO IT! You won't regret it! And the price isn't going down any time soon....they offered this one at a great price for the new edition to the iPhone line-up.

Happy texting (in HD!!!)! :-)

RD

Hello out there...

And here I come, crawling back again. Well, you can say one thing, I am consistent.

I wanted to take a moment and thank everyone who left comments on my last post. Some of you commented here, some emailed, texted, called, facebooked, etc., it was the largest response I have ever received to a blog post. Lots of people shared it with friends or loved ones who have suffered similar situations and they shared with others, etc., and people I didn't even know reached out to me to offer compassion and empathy or sympathy and shared their own stories of their heart-wrenching journeys. Some people really get freaked out about sharing information online, blogging, Facebook, etc., but I know for me, it has restored connections I would have never been able to maintain otherwise and that I have found sources of strength and been put on prayer lists I would have never been on otherwise. For that, I am SO extraordinarily blessed, lucky, fortunate, and grateful!

I went back to work on Tuesday, 5/25. It was one of the scariest things I have ever had to do. I didn't know what to expect, how I was going to feel, how I was going to make it through. Didn't know how people were going to react to me (angry because I had been gone? scared to ask me what happened? happy to see me? staring because I gained back 15 lbs dammit? supportive? Missed me?) and I really just didn't want to do it. I begged Troy. Literally BEGGED him to let me stay at home. He told me I would be driving him crazy within a month wanting to go back and to stop kidding myself. Whatever! So everything I worried and thought about was true, people did all of those things but overwhelmingly- the support and reception I received was SO positive. I know how hard my job is and having someone out makes it that much more difficult so I am empathetic to those who are frustrated by my extended absence. Unfortunately, for all involved, there isn't a thing I can do about it so I decided about 30 days ago to stop apologizing for it and let the chips fall where they may. And I am not positive people were actually staring at my once again way too big rear-end. But they probably were. It is humongous.

I have a new boss- and most people know I ADORED my previous boss and she is actually a dear friend of mine- so I was anxious and worried about the transition and wondering if I would like her or hate her or if she was going to micro-manage me and on and on. I had nothing to worry about- she is awesome. I really do love her and love working for her. Now, I have the best of both worlds- I have an awesome boss during work hours- and then I have my amazing friend who is no longer my boss so we don't have to always worry about work! Plus, now I can complain about my boss to my friend and not be griping about HER. LOL! It's great! Going back hasn't been NEARLY as difficult as I feared though I have had a couple of rough days and I do have to come home and rest for a little bit towards the end of the day...but all in all, it has gone better than I could have hoped for. My favorite quote, my life motto, "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me", has never served me better. For without Him, I am not sure where I would be right now.

I have an announcement to make, and it isn't an easy one. I wanted to make it here before I do it on Facebook. It has been hinted at and people have asked questions but I haven't been ready to discuss it with very many people yet. The last few weeks were rough. I am not going to lie, I wasn't sure I was going to make it through. Without God and Troy- I wouldn't have. I am smart enough to know that is true. There were days I wouldn't get out of bed. Wouldn't shower. Wouldn't eat. Okay. That last one is a lie. But I thought about not eating. It never quite worked out that way. But back to the reality of the situation. There were times I was so hysterical, I was crying so hard, I was throwing up. Laying on the bathroom floor and refusing to get up. Troy would bring me a pillow and a blanket and just sit there with me. We have been down this road before- after my ruptured tubal pregnancy in 1999- he didn't think he would ever "get me back". I went someplace far, far away and retreated within myself until I no longer knew who I was. Thank God Troy has stuck it out with me. Both then and now he has reminded me that having each other is all that ever mattered. That we were obviously put here, together, for a different, yet unknown reason, and that we have to stick together and be strong, and have faith, and trust in God. In HIS plan. Not ours. That there is something else we were put together to accomplish. That our love is so strong and so great- there is something we are meant to do together that requires both of us and doesn't include naturally born, biological children. For whatever reason. Only God knows, we may never. Sometimes, I will be honest, none of that has been easy. I get angry. I say WHY ME. Yep. I sure do. I know it is a selfish question. There have been times I didn't care.

I say all of this to let everyone know how we have been doing and what has been going on. People get annoyed when we don't show up for events. Or don't feel like having company. Or being company. Or talking on the phone. Or getting out of bed. But this is our journey. And we will travel it together in our own way. We stopped making excuses and apologies a while back. We decided it was no longer necessary and that we don't owe anyone an explanation for what we are feeling. It took me a looooooong time to understand- I am entitled to feel however I want for as long as I want and deal with my grief and my pain in my own way. I don't have to be "okay" just because it is easier for everyone else around me. I don't have to "get over it" just because other people want me to so they don't have to think about it anymore. It was a very freeing moment when I finally "got it" and surprisingly enough, once I did....I started feeling a little bit better! It gave me back a sense of control and "peace" over my life that was sorely lacking while everything I was living spiraled so far out of control, I didn't know what end was up or which was down. I won't say I am 100%. But I'm better than I have been in a very, very long time.

So. The announcement is that, after meeting with my doctor, my spine doctor, and two infertility specialists, we have made the decision to have a hysterectomy. The surgery is scheduled for August 3rd. I still wake up almost every day and wonder if I am making the right decision. And sometimes I think I am going to change my mind. But, I'm not. It's not only the right choice- it truly is the only choice. If you will please keep praying for us. For both of us because it isn't easy for Troy either and he doesn't have the same level of support and people he can talk to daily or let him have a nervous breakdown and cry like a hysterical chimpanzee on their shoulder. I don't know what a hysterical chimp cries like actually. But it sounded like a good comparison to the drama I have been known to spew out in fits of rage, anger, desperation, grief, sadness, loneliness, emptiness, brokenness, etc., etc., etc., so I threw it in there. But anyway, back on track, we need all the prayers and love and support we can get to get through this. I was going to try and go back to work in 3 weeks after the surgery (just because I felt guilty about leaving again) and we decided that was a BAD PLAN and I am taking the full six weeks to recover and be able to grieve the way I need to- however that may be at the time and give us time together to pray, and cry, and pray some more, and maybe even laugh together, before we move on to the next stage of our lives.

We are considering having a surrogate carry a child for us...but it is expensive. We will be saving $$$ for a very long time to make that happen. But I am having my eggs frozen just in case we decide that is what we want.

Otherwise, my vision right now is retiring in 18 years, when I turn 50 and am first eligible, and building a house on the lake with a swimming pool and hot tub, buying a couple more dogs and maybe a horse and just living our lives together. Traveling a lot. Having fun and enjoying what God DID and WILL bless us with. Doesn't sound too shabby when I think about it. If I could just get rid of this wrenching pain in my gut and hole and ACHE in my heart- I could probably even get excited about it.

Don't even know where to start.

This post may not make much sense to you. It may not make much sense to me. I'm at a loss to really put into words where I'm at right now...but I thought maybe if I came here...and tried to write about it...maybe...I don't know...maybe I would have a moment of clarity...maybe?

I went in for the surgery last Tuesday and basically NOTHING went as planned. Those who know me well...or even kind of well can guess...I am a compulsive organizer and I like to have a plan for just about everything. If you have ever been on vacation or even a short trip with me...you know that I come prepared with a color coded and organized itinerary complete with map attachments and coupons sorted by day and activity. No. I'm not kidding. I do not like surprises...good ones or bad ones...and I like things to go just "so-so". Not always convenient in this thing we call life...but that's how I roll.

We had at least three meetings with my doctor before my surgery...not to mention the trip to the specialist where we got a detailed written "plan of action" complete with options that were prioritized by us and then shared with my doctor. We had a special "pre-op" meeting with the doctor where we finalized the surgery plan and then she came to visit me, not once- but twice, in the hospital before I went into the OR. My last words to her were, "I am going to be VERY not happy if this doesn't go as planned." Oh yes, she told me, no worries, everything will go as planned. Sigh.

Basically, whenever the doctor got into surgery, she didn't find what she was expecting to find. I guess that makes part of this make sense. She found something different and she thought it would be contrary to my best interest to proceed with our previously discussed game plan so she decided not to. However, and this is where I am so angry at times I can hardly speak, she did NOT fulfill what she had assured us she would do and leave the OR to discuss the available options with Troy. She simply went in after surgery and told him what she found and told him we needed to meet with her on the 13th to discuss our options. I guess I could lighten the mood a little at this point and share that after she left the room, Troy got out his phone, went into our Words w/ friends game and sent me a chat message: "You are gonna be SO pissed when you wake up." Poor guy. He was probably surfing the web for escape routes out of the hospital and possibly out of the country when he got done playing his next word.

To her credit, the doctor did come into the recovery room and share what she had found herself instead of leaving that task to a nurse or, worse, to my husband. I told her then I was not happy with her. She said she knew. Well. Okay. At least we are all clear on that.

I haven't talked much about what was actually found in surgery to many people. Frankly, a lot of it still blows my mind. Here is a little background: I had been told at age 21 (when I had my ruptured ectopic pregnancy) that I potentially had a uterine disease called "adenomyosis". It is basically the opposite of endometriosis and it is typically diagnosed only after hysterectomy and the uterus must be cut in half to confirm. That is the reason for the "potential" diagnosis. When I was 25 and had yet another emergency surgery, I was told at that point, the diagnosis was likely being confirmed and it had worsened. That is the point at which I was told I would likely never carry a pregnancy to term. The thing about adenomyosis is...usually woman over 40-45 are the ones who have this disease OR women who have had multiple (4 or more) full term pregnancies and deliveries. I, obviously, am neither of those two things.

***Note to reader: STOP READING NOW if you are squeamish or if you have absolutely NO desire to have intimate knowledge of my nether-region.***

During this surgery, I became my doctor's first case of confirmed adenonymosis in a patient under the age of 35, with no children, and with the disease visible upon inspection during a laparoscopy procedure with the uterus intact. It is highly unusual (oh the JOY of being special!). The reason it was able to be confirmed and is visible is that it is extremely advanced and my uterus has degenerated significantly. My disease is also so advanced that it has expanded to outside of my uterus and has developed it's own blood supply, including enlarged, swollen, and basically varicose veins. It is causing my blood not to flow correctly and it is thus back-flowing and pooling into my ovaries. It is visibly worse on the right hand side and this has been indicated as the source of my pain. The resulting secondary diagnosis is "pelvic congestive syndrome". This syndrome is known to produce the following: extreme pelvic pain, often to the point of debilitation (CHECK), multiple miscarriages (CHECK CHECK), unusual/abnormal ectopic pregnancies (ding ding ding), migraine headaches (oh YES), extreme fatigue (before I went on bed rest, in the weeks preceding that I had started having to take a nap in lieu of my lunch break, I was so extremely tired I could not function throughout an entire work day or even a normal "relaxing" weekend day, my sister had become convinced I had mono), extreme lower back and leg pain, muscular pain, and abdominal cramping. Before all of this transpired, I was waiting to get in with a rheumatologist to rule out rheumatoid arthritis before beginning testing for MS due to most of those symptoms listed at the end of the sentence. Basically, this "syndrome" encompasses every little thing I have had wrong with me that had me thinking I was either a hypochondriac or simply insane for the last 18 months.

In one way...we are relieved. We know what is causing my pain. It is identifiable. It has a name. It has treatment options. There are even photos of it confirming its' existence, showing my jacked up uterus in all of its' glory. Ewww. I know. I think Troy was secretly relieved she forgot to bring them with her when she came to talk to him. I doubt he will be so lucky on the 13th. When the doctor brought in the photos in 2003, he was carrying a turkey sandwich on white bread in one hand and the photos in the other. Ahhh. It's the little things we don't forget.

On the other hand. We are furious. The only "treatment" for this disease I have is a hysterectomy. There are no alternatives. There is only one cure. Only one way to provide relief without numbing my body into orbit with tablets and pills and patches and injections. If she would have upheld her part of the agreement and stepped out to speak with Troy...he would have told her to proceed with the hysterectomy immediately. He had his instructions prior to surgery and he had EVERY intention of seeing them through. He never got the chance.

Where does this leave us? We don't know. Troy is insistent we proceed with the hysterectomy as soon as is recommended for my body to endure surgery again. He wants our life back. He wants me back. He is SO tired of me being in pain he is about to pop. It kills him. He did a little magic act tonight trying to take my pain away and put it on himself instead. It didn't work. But I appreciated the effort!

As for me, I feel like I have been spun around in circles, blind-folded, and I don't know what end is up. I feel like I'm drowning and even though I can see the surface of the water...I can't get there, I can't get air. I can't breathe. We had a plan. We knew what we wanted to do. Why she chose not to follow through on that, we won't ever be able to fully comprehend. Part of me is wondering if it is because this is what God wanted for us. Another chance to make a different decision? We prayed about our other decision faithfully and believed we had our answer! I'm at a loss. I'm exhausted. I'm so tired I can't think straight. My body is so tired it can hardly function. My pain has increased substantially since surgery which was to be expected due to the aggravation of the area but it has only served to further confuse, upset, and scare me.

We meet with the doctor on the 13th to review our possible fertility treatment options to try and help us make a decision how to proceed. It seems that my doctor feels that I haven't tried "hard enough" yet??? Before everyone begins to comment that I need to get another doctor for a different opinion and perspective...that is already in the works. We are meeting with her on the 13th to get our options and my biopsy results and then we are switching to a specialist (reproductive endocrinologist) who has treated several of our friends and they have faith in. The doctor I have now wants us to keep trying until we are successful basically. Not sure what her back up plan is for us since we don't seem to be excelling under her game plan.

This is where I might start to ramble...because this is where things start to make no sense to me....how do I get a disease that people over 40 get when I am only 20 years old? I mean, I'm not 20 now, but I was when this started. How does that happen and why is there no explanation? Why did my doctor just blatantly ignore our wishes because she wants something for me that I don't know I have enough left to give?! If I make the decision to proceed with hysterectomy because I CANNOT. TAKE. THE. PAIN. ANY. MORE. Am I doing that because I am weak? Because I am not worthy? Because I am selfish??? How unfair is it to Troy that I make a decision to have a hysterectomy because I don't know how much more I can take??? Unless you have lost a child, you can never fully understand the loss that is attached to that and the EMOTIONAL toll and PHYSICAL toll that is pounded upon you. How many times you relive it. Wondering what YOU did wrong. Why YOUR prayers didn't work. What YOU could have done differently. Why God doesn't want to give YOU a baby. When you pick out names in a baby book and write them on a piece of paper like a 6th grader writing Johnny B Good's name next to hers in curly hearts and flowers and then your husband comes home from the hospital first and hides all the baby books and the little baby blanket and the papers with the names in a closet so you won't find them and have a freak attack when you realize that baby- your child- is never coming home. That you don't need that baby blanket. That the name you picked out that you loved so much can't be used again because it isn't fair to the baby you already loved so much you never even got to see, not even on a sonogram because the doctor wouldn't show you the monitor and just stared above your head and patted you on the knee with a gloomy look and turned to your husband who was fighting back tears and said "Drive her to the hospital. I'll meet you there." How many times can you go through that before you should really just be declared mentally insane and locked away forever? Why does my doctor think I haven't gone through ENOUGH yet? Am I just too weak? Too frail? Too....what? I don't even know.

I won't ever know why she made the decision she made on Tuesday. Perhaps it was to save us from ourselves. All I know is what we thought was a done deal is no longer even close. Now instead of agreeing on our plan, we are starting to have little arguments. Disagreeing about how to proceed. Him, wanting only for me to be okay again, and me, desperately wanting only to give him what I think he deserves from me. From his wife. From the woman who is SUPPOSED to be able to give him this. The one thing that had been keeping me going through all of this was that I expected to wake up on Tuesday free of pain. Our instructions to her were that we wanted any source of pain eliminated. I had been counting on that. Now, as I sit here crying all over my laptop keys, not only am I more confused and torn than ever...I am in so much pain I can't think straight.

Please do not feel that you have to comment on this post. I know that many people have never experienced anything like any of this and don't know what to say to someone who has or how to say it and are scared they may say the wrong thing. Some of you (I know because you've told me) are feeling guilty right now and it makes it hard for you to talk to me or come around while you are pregnant yourself, trying to get pregnant, recently had a baby, have a toddler, whatever the case may be. You are not expected to know what to say. There are no right words. Nothing makes it better. Nothing makes it okay. I promise few things can make it worse. Please know that I don't expect you to have words to make it better. There are some who DO understand please don't think I don't know that. I have considered making a blog post with the Top Ten things NOT to say to a woman struggling with infertility. It would provide a comic relief across both sides of the aisle while serving as a tool to help both sides communicate as well. I promise you, this reality we are living in has been a lonely existence despite the love and support we have. I can't explain it. That's just how it is.

For now, I will close with what I am begging you NOT to write here. Please don't tell me that if it is God's will, it will happen. While I recognize that is true...please understand that it makes me (us) question why WE aren't worthy in God's eyes. Please don't say, "If you just pray about it. It will happen." We have. Don't make us think we aren't praying right. Or maybe we need praying lessons so if you think so, maybe that's okay to say. I'll take that into consideration. Please don't say, "You can adopt." No one knows this better than us. But it is my RIGHT to feel as though I should be able to give my husband a child who has his eyes, his kindness, his talent for playing soccer, my IQ (ha, had to throw that in there), and our BLOOD. I'm not saying we won't consider it eventually. But right now, I need to be okay with wanting that. And when I can't have it....I need it to be okay with everyone for me to MOURN that loss....because that's what it is.

I said I was going to close with the above. But instead I will close with this. I know we have asked a lot of all of you lately. I'm going to ask again. Please pray for us. Please pray for us to have clarity. Pray for us to be strong enough to make it through this difficult situation together like we always have. Pray it doesn't divide us. Pray the pain (emotional and physical) gets less and that we find peace. I thank you. A million times, I thank you. Thank you for letting me get this out. Now, if you'll excuse me. I need to go blow my nose.

Signed,

Dazed and Confused AKA RD

P.S. A lot of things are probably spelled wrong in this post. I also didn't proof read it. Please forgive me. :-) Thanks.

Lessons I had already learned

Today I learned a bunch of new stuff. Only thing is...I already knew all of it!

1) Our house is sooooo NOT child proofed. Child Proof. Child Proofed? Which ever. It's neither anyway. Burim was here for 3 1/2 hours today. Enough said. My poor sister at one point sighed in exasperation and said, "Lord! Is everything in this damned house breakable?!" I looked around and sure enough....that pretty much appears to be the case. He was truly an angel in spite of it all. Nothing was broken or even damaged. Yay Burim!

2) If I eat a half bag of whoppers, I will get a tummy ache. Whether or not they are disguised as Easter eggs and painted pretty colors, this will happen. I am not saying I found this out by actually DOING this today. I'm just saying this is true and it's something I already should have known.

3) I love my sister and Burim more than should be allowed to love two other human beings. I had missed them so much. When they came today...everything was right and part of my soul lit back up. I told Burim, "Burimi, I missed you so much!" and he came to me and hugged me and said, "Becca. I missed you too!" It broke my heart. I am SO ready for this madness with my current situation to be over...I cannot ever go this along again without seeing my dear sister and her beautiful child. They bring me joy. I knew this already...but I remembered again today. Oh boy did I! (P.S. SHANNON you look GREAT! Keep it up!)

4) I'm scared to death for Tuesday to get here. I knew it deep down this whole time...but today it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been going on and on about how ready I am to be over and done with the situation...but I am terrified. My stomach is in knots. Then, Mr. Helpful, otherwise known as Troy Boy...asks me tonight..."are you scared?" and I whispered, "Yes. I'm terrified." I'm sitting there waiting for the reassurance, the hand squeeze, the speech about how there is nothing to worry about and it will all be fine, and it doesn't matter what happens anyway because all we need is each other and nothing will change that, the same speech he gives me every day of my life. But, I'm waiting in vain. He won't look at me and says, "Yeah. Me too." WHAT?! I pause for a second, give him the evil eye, and say, "Are you playing around right now? Cuz that ain't funny!" But no. He isn't playing. So, we took yet another moment of silence and prayer and gathered our wits about us. The man deserves the chance to not play superhero for a moment and let me know how he really feels. He will likely have to make some life altering decisions on Tuesday all by his lonesome and I know that is a tremendous burden for him to carry. He just wants so badly for me to be "alright" again and I know he is just treading water waiting until the moment the Dr. comes out of the OR and gives him the skinny. To be honest...I think I am the luckier one in this situation. I cannot imagine being in his shoes. Waiting there to hear the news. Knowing he has to tell it to me when I wake up. Please pray for him. We have been over it a million times, we have prayed faithfully. He has his instructions. My dad has been given his instructions in case Troy forgets his instructions. It will be okay. But every little bit will help. It will be here before we know it at this point now. Tuesday will come and we will have our answers. Whether we are ready to hear them or not. I knew I was scared. I just forgot until today. Maybe I will forget again until it's over. That sounds like a GREAT plan. I am going to go with that one.

Much Love.

R

Next time....Read the label.

Oh my. How many times am I going to come sulking back to this place I call my blog and mumble below my breath...whoopsie, it's been another 60 days since my last post...I'm going to do better...really, I am.....Sigh. Probably no one believes me any more. Probably no one will see this apology and my promise to do better because all five of my faithful followers have probably given up on me. I love writing this blog...why do I spend so much time away? I actually do have an answer to explain my absence of recent and I had lots of things I wanted to blog about...but I was scared that instead of the process being cathartic...it would be painful and I am being honest when I say...I just didn't think I could handle it at the time. I will write more about that in another post...and I think I am to the point where it WILL be cathartic so that is a GREAT thing!

Since I have been here last...here is the run-down on our life:

1) I went on bed rest 1/25

2) Still on bed rest 3/23.

Exciting huh?! Yeah. Not so much. I had Troy check me for bed sores yesterday. Well. I asked him to. He said no. I don't think I have any. But I could be wrong! I guess we'll never know...

But for real now...since I was here last, Mr. Blake finally went over 5 lbs (yahoooo!), little Maddox turned 6 months old yesterday and is still trying to find his way past 3 1/2 lbs, and Bailee continues to just stare at the wild animals who have infiltrated her peaceful (read: LAZY) existence. It is quite the sight to see our 80+ lb lab mix sitting in one spot, holding court, looking bored, while the 3 and 5 lb puppies sit on top of her or chase her tail and give her kisses and jump on top of her and chase her tail and well, you get the picture. It has definitely brought some excitement into our lives.

I also invested (and I do mean INVESTED) in a new camera since I've been gone...a Nikon DSLR D90 and it is one of the greatest purchases I have ever made. I am chomping at the bit waiting for the bluebonnets to arrive so I can drag my puppies and my husband out for what I hope are going to be a-maz-ing photographs. If I ever leave the house again...but that's a different story.

Well, I just wanted to stop by and say hello to my fans (hahahaha) and start wiping the dust off of my typing skills and my blog...I have had a few ideas about blog entries...but mainly while I was sleeping (But I remember they were GREAT IDEAS!) and now I can't remember them. But...my dear husband (God bless him for his care of me and this house over the last 2 months) suggested a topic near and dear to his heart...."Next time...read the label"....so, in his honor...I will oblige.

I will preface this story by reminding you that I have been on bedrest now for 7 weeks. Maybe longer. I got tired of counting. But this means that Troy has had to do EVERYTHING for our house since that time. Grocery shopping,cooking, if we cook, laundry, etc., etc., etc., which are not things that he does as a matter of regular practice. Yes, he helps me with ALL of those things...but having them be solely his responsibility has been a challenge to say the least. Our dishwasher (one year old mind you) also broke about 6 weeks ago...and that didn't help matters much. I will also remind you that I have been on bed rest for SEVEN weeks. I have not been working. I have not been playing. I have been going....out of my mind insane. I am NOT a person who can stand to be bored by nature and I have not done a good job of keeping my crabbiness at my current isolation and "grounding" to myself. Yes, I am admitting. I have been a little testy. I can be a little testy on my best day...so that isn't really saying that much...but my sweet husband Troy is rarely testy. Ever. He is rarely in a bad mood. Ever. He is happy-go-lucky. He is a nice guy. He is calm, cool, collected. We are a good balance for each other that way...if you get my drift. :-)

Over the last few weeks....Troy has been slightly....ummmm. Shall we say stressed? He actually admitted to me that he is more stressed out now than he has ever been in his life. For the most part, he has been able to shoulder that well and just keep on trucking. He has been a little shorter than usual...and his patience with others has not been as good as usual (I am sure this is because he is using every ounce available on ME), and I've been known to describe him as "grouchy" over the last several weeks. Hey. I just call it like I see it.

I don't know if some of you from other areas are familiar with "Chicken Express"...I sure wasn't until a couple years ago. You would think a place called that would be famous for, well, really fast chicken I guess? But no. What they are famous for is their tea. They have the BEST ice (yes, better than Sonic, we buy it by the bag and fill our ice maker with it) and they sell their tea in big huge Styrofoam glasses for like a dollar or you can buy it by the gallon. We do both. Now. If you can drink their SWEET tea straight up...I promise you are a better woman than me. We get it unsweet and add either Splenda or Sweet and Lo depending on whether your name is Troy or Rebecca. We go there at least once a week, sometimes twice. We *always* get the following: 2 large unsweet teas and one gallon of unsweet. It is the highlight of my day when I get that big beautiful cup of iced tea with the best ice in the world especially when my current daily excitement consists of someone winning it big on the Price is Right.

Last Tuesday, I went into the kitchen (breaking the rules, yes, I know but I was thirsty doggone it) and poured myself a lovely glass of Chicken Express tea from our brand new gallon, added my one and a half packets of sweet and lo and went to imbibe in the awesomeness. BLECH! I obtained two cavities immediately (I don't have PROOF of this...but that's what I think happened). I looked at the gallon and saw it very clearly said "Sweet Tea". I sent Troy a text message. "Babe...did you know this tea is sweet?" The response comes back, "Um no, ordered un, why would I buy 2 large un and 1 gallon sweet. that's stupid." Um. Okay. Well, I'm going to need him to go get another gallon of the appropriate un-sugared tea STAT. I am going to into caffeine withdrawal already and it's only been 30 seconds. My point is...this is an emergency.

Troy calls me later that evening from the Chicken Express where we visit at least 6 times a month. There is something a little frightening about his voice. "I'm going to punch this guy in the nose", he tells me. "What?! We don't have bail money Troy! I have to pay $1000 for surgery!" He tells me the following recollection of events that went down at the local Chicken Express. I am really hopeful this isn't just the Reader's Digest version and there aren't "Wanted" posters of my husband all over the Mid-Cities area. Remember I told you he is a tad grouchy? :-)

Troy: Hey man, I was here yesterday and I got two large teas and a gallon. Y'all gave me sweet instead of unsweet for the gallon. I need a gallon of UN-sweet tea please.

Chicken Express Ding Dong: So you just want to buy a gallon of unsweet tea then? Or you want the two large teas too?

Troy: Naw man, I already BOUGHT the gallon of unsweet. Y'all gave me the wrong one. I'm going to buy 2 large teas again but I need the right gallon of tea please.

Chicken Express Idiot: I don't understand.

Troy: What do you mean?

Chicken Express kid: So you just want to buy two teas and a gallon of tea?

Troy: No. I want to buy two large teas. I want the CORRECT gallon of tea from what I bought here yesterday. Do I need to go home and get it and bring it back up here?

Chicken Express doofus: So....ummmmm....You want it for free or something?

Troy: No. If I wanted it for free, I would ask you for a REFUND. I already PAID FOR IT. You gave me the wrong one.

Chicken Express jackass: Well, I don't know who did that. Or if that was our fault.

Troy: I don't know who did it either. I'm sure it's nobodies fault. It was an accident. I just need another gallon of tea man.

Chicken Express kid not realizing he is getting closer and closer to imminent bodily harm: I need to talk to the manager if you want it for free man.

Troy: Stop saying I want it for free. That is really starting to tick me off.

Chicken Express soon-to-be-punched-in-the-nose-ding-dong: Oh. So you just want to buy one then? I don't need the manager for that.

Troy (turning into the Incredible Hulk I am sure): Can I speak to the manager please?

Chicken Express Very Annoying Child: Oh sure. (Goes to get the manager who is about 6 ft away. Tells the manager...this guy wants a gallon of tea for free. This is when Troy calls me)

Manager: What's the problem sir?

Troy: I was here yesterday. Like I am every Monday. You gave me the wrong gallon of tea. I just need the right one. I will be glad to bring the wrong gallon back if needed.

Manager: Oh. Okay. You want sweet or unsweet?

Troy. I. Want. Unsweet. Please.

Manager leaves. Foolish boy returns with the tea and tells Troy: Next time sir...you should really read the label.

Well. He did say sir.

Toodles for now...I'll be back...what! I promise!

xoxoxoxo,

RD

New Year, New Blog, New ME!

Happy 2010 everyone! Hope everyone had a fantastic holiday season and is off to a raring start in the new year and new decade!

We had just about the most amazing holiday season I can remember in our young marriage....kind of interesting because money was REALLY tight this year and we spent less money than we have spent the entire time we have been together. Put it into perspective for me what it was really all about....a good lesson to be learned and remembered.

We had a white Christmas this year which was pretty amazing, I don't believe it had ever happened before since I have lived in Texas. It was coming down so hard on Christmas Eve, we kept joking we were in a "blizzard". Then, unexpectedly, the roads froze solid while we were at Shannon's house celebrating that night, and it took us over 30 minutes to drive the less than 3 miles from her house to ours to get home safely. I couldn't believe it!

We celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary this past NYE and it was an amazing day and amazing evening. We ate dinner at the Melting Pot and they went over and above my wildest dreams for excellent service to celebrate our special night. It was a night we will remember for a very long time!

I made some pretty heavy duty resolutions this year....and I am very committed to seeing them through to reality. It is not going to be easy...and I can use all the help and support I can get. SO- if you see me doing something I am not supposed to- CALL ME OUT on it! Make me hold myself accountable. I need to be stronger in my spirit to take care of ME and keep my priorities straight, I am WEAK when it comes to this. I know I am a strong person overall- so I know I have the capability, I just have to DO IT!

My first resolution was a shocker to many people- I am NOT going to work on the weekends in 2010. At all. I am not going to check email, not going to read cases, not going to staff cases with workers, not going to THINK about work. For some of you who might not be aware....this is a HUGE deal....I have been working at CPS for 11 years now and I do believe I can name the number of weekends I did NOT work on one hand....and by that I mean two fingers. I am a admitted workaholic and I am total obsessive compulsive control freak when it comes to my email and to my to do list. Those things are just going to have to sit there over the weekend and wait for me to view on Monday morning. It is going to be hard. Very hard. I am on the right track, I haven't signed on since 12/31. Today and yesterday were really hard. It is almost like I am FEENING to check my email! What the heck?! Craziness. There will always be some TRUE emergencies that warrant my attention and this doesn't mean I am going to neglect the very important tasks and responsibilities I am charged with. It just means I have got to have a LIFE with Rebecca and I really need that time to focus on my family as well. My husband has been sorely neglected over the last 11 years....and it is time to make up for a lot of that. It is long over due!

My second resolution was to be a better person by doing the following things: 1) Do not engage negativity or negative persons 2) Do not create negativity 3) Putting my priorities in the right order, which means God first, and Troy and I second. The rest falls below those two things and that is how I will be living my life from this point forward. 4) Not allow my emotions to be controlled by others. I alone am responsible for them.

I have found, particularly with #4, that it is falling into place quite nicely and it ties in directly with items #1 and #2. I refuse to allow myself to be controlled by others at this point in my life. It is LIBERATING to feel this way and to have actually put that into action has been freeing of great proportions.

My third, and final, resolution (Golly, I hope I have not set myself up because this list is long and filled with CHALLENGING THINGS!) is to get healthy in 2010. I am not going to say "lose weight, diet, exercise, etc., etc." because while those things ARE what I need to be doing, the real important part of all of that is the end result- health. I am hitting WW again with gusto this week and I DO hope to have this last 60 pounds off this year. Troy and I are committed to the journey together- and I do believe that makes all the difference.

Lastly, a little bit of surprise news for you blog followers. :-) A new addition will be joining our family next Friday. Maddox is a 15 week old Biewer Yorkshire Terrier and he is being shipped to us from Michigan. He is pretty much the most gorgeous thing I have ever laid eyes on and I cannot wait for him to join our family. He is a TINY fella and he will only be between 3 1/2 and 4 lbs when he is full grown. Exciting and scary rolled into one! I cannot wait to hold him for the first time and I just know that he and Blakers will quickly become best friends and they are going to have a rocking good time. Momma is going to be tired! But since I will have all that free time on the weekends now....I should have time to squeeze in a nap....or two. :-)

Oh, and by the way, I did change the name of my blog. I decided it was pretty fitting to name my blog after a fairy tale....because at this point, I feel like I am living in a dream and I want to savor every minute of this story! Yes, I am aware that I am spoiled rotten...but I must say....it feels good to be spoiled every once in a while with the stress I am under day in and day out in the harsh realities of my job. God Bless my husband for taking such good care of me....I couldn't do it without him....and, honestly, I wouldn't want to!

Happy New Year everyone! Hope you are all healthy, happy, and blessed!

R

Slacker

Okay, okay. I know. I have been slacking. I PROMISE I am going to be back in full force over the next couple of weeks. Work has gone completely insane (seriously people- it is Christmas! Can't people stop abusing their children just for the MOMENT? It makes me crazy!) and I am so exhausted at this point, I hardly have enough energy to lay down at the end of the day and I am pretty sure I have fallen asleep sitting straight up a couple of times in the last several weeks. Thank GOD for my husband- he is a saint every year around this time- and he pretty much takes care of every last minute detail so that everyone gets a gift, it is actually wrapped in Christmas paper, we have food to eat, and gas in the cars to get us where we need to be. Every year I remember just how truly blessed and lucky I am- despite the madness of the season. I am so grateful Troy always has my back.

I always have to work the week of Christmas because I cover for my best friend this week and she covers for me next week, which is our anniversary. Well, mine and Troy's that is. Not mine and hers. Our is Sept 1. That's a whole different story. Anywho, it has worked out just that simply for the last 10 years, I work this week, she works next week. But, this year is the closest I have ever come to NOT being allowed to take off time for the holidays- my workers were SO far behind- I wasn't sure how they would ever get caught up. But, apparently, if you work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for a month straight- you get pretty close and my time off (and theirs) was approved after all. Thank goodness, I was getting ready to need SICK time as I was pretty sure I was headed to the looney tunes house in short order. My body is pretty close to just totally shutting down on me and refusing to move another inch until I rest. I have promised it that I will do just that as soon as Saturday rolls around. I just need it to hang in there with me for another three days. Please send prayers it actually does!

This week, we are celebrating our very first Christmas without our beloved Buster Brown. We have had him every single Christmas that we have been together as a couple- even before we were married. He was always so much fun on Christmas morning, he would tear into his gifts and grab the toy out from the paper and then run off like a wild dog squeaking it and playing like a pup. Bailee has never been the brightest bulb and she pretty much doesn't understand the whole opening gifts part and besides she is way too lazy to exert much effort to get to the actual gift if it is under some sort of disguise. She will gladly just sit there patiently and wait for you to unwrap it FOR her and hand it to her. I am also sure she would be just as happy to have you squeak it for her and she surely isn't fetching- anything. I am willing to bet that Blake will think the paper is the actual present and he will be running around the house like the paper bandit thinking he is really getting away with something, leaving the toys behind in his dust. Troy is making me take him to the groomer again before the week is up (he is a real stickler about this grooming thing. UMPH) so he will at least be nice and cute while he is running around with wrapping paper on Christmas morning.

I am SUPER excited about Christmas with Burim this year and I cannot wait to see the look on his face on Christmas morning after Santa visits. It is going to ROCK! I feel so privileged that my sister lets us take part in that on Christmas morning- I know a lot of people that don't have others over when their kids open Santa gifts- and I think we are lucky to get to be there and see it first hand.

I am the on call supervisor on Christmas Eve this year, so I have to make it through one additional day more than normal before I can start to enjoy the holiday with my family and 4:01 PM on Christmas Eve just simply cannot get here fast enough. I cannot wait to be off of work and enjoy quality time with Troy. These are the only days he is off of work all year long and we have big plans that involve sleeping in, napping during the day, and playing Super Mario Brothers and Guitar Hero until the wee hours of each morning. We will celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary on the 31st and I guess this is just what old folks do for fun. :-)

Merry Christmas everyone- I hope your holidays are filled with peace, joy, laughter, love and blessings. I love you all.

B

Hello out there!

Hope everyone had a super duper fantabulous Thanksgiving. I know we sure did! Dinner/lunch went off without a hitch and everything was fabulous. My sister AND Burim ended up being able to come for the meal and my heart melted when Burim told his mother he wasn't ready to go home because he needed to stay at Becca and Uncle Troy's house a little longer to "have Thanksgiving". All together now.....Awwwwwwww! Right? I know! Uh huh! Love that kid. His mom isn't too shabby either. We had an amazing day with our family- such a blessing!

We did our big Black Friday rush- even though we got a late start at 7:30 AM. I still threatened to hurt Troy when he woke me up at THAT time. It took one VENTI peppermint white chocolate mocha (nonfat still of course) to get me back into functioning mode and stop being crabby McCrabster. Despite heading out after the sun went up- every single "deal" we wanted was still there and available. It was like we couldn't go wrong. We even stumbled into Academy Sporting Goods and found a huge clearance section and got Troy work-out shirts (NIKE!) for under $2 a piece. It was insane. I FINALLY got my "Flip" video camera- YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY and I can't wait to start using it. We also got the "door-buster" HP printer at Best Buy and I am in heaven salivating about being able to print again. Wouldn't you know it has been almost a week and I haven't needed to print anything yet though? I think I will just start printing willy nilly just to get my money's worth...even though I did get it for 50% off.

My one TRUE LOVE (kidding....kind of), Bath and Body Works, is where I scored the biggest savings. I accidentally picked up the wrong stack of coupons when we left that morning and I was near hysteria (this is SERIOUS people!) when I walked in and realized it. The manager recognized us (yes, I am aware this is NOT okay) and I blurted out my dilemma. She was all, "No problemo! We got ya covered!" and I almost kissed her but Troy yanked me back and shot me the "stop acting like a psycho" look. Umph. When I got up to the check out line with all of my little separate orders so I could use all of my little coupons the checkout girl said I could just use them all on one order. I was like....ummmm, how is that going to work? They are for 20% off? She said she would just.....wait for it......give me SIXTY PERCENT OFF (20 for each coupon)!!!!! I about FELL OUT. When it was all said and done, I got $925 worth of merchandise (full price) for........(drum roll please).........$126. I was on a deal getting HIGH for the rest of the day. Best shopping day EVER! Of course, all of this shopping was made possible by my super fabulous husband winning the Thanksgiving Day bowling tournament. Even though I was dead on my feet, I stood up and cheered for that news at almost midnight. Yes, I was at home alone in my pajamas. I still did it. Doesn't get much better than an unexpected windfall of cash the night before the biggest shopping day of the year. All of our Christmas shopping is DONE except for two things. That is pure greatness right there.

After we collapsed from shopping, cooking, entertaining, etc., etc., etc, wouldn't you know it....I got sick. Again. Of course. Ugh. So, I extended my Thanksgiving holiday by another two days, sucked down Nyquil and Gatorade, and didn't go back to work until today. All I know is my holiday vacation cannot get here fast enough because today......whew. It was a whipping. I keep trying to remember that new found wisdom from April....remember that? But it seems to be escaping me right about now. I am TRYING to do some things for myself in between saving the world and the universe....like TRYING to keep dieting (I gained three pounds over the last three weeks- YIKES) and enjoying my puppy (he is a whopping 4.4 lbs now) and reading books to relax.

Right now I am reading the Victoria Laurie "Abby Cooper- Psychic Eye" series and I just found out yesterday that the series is based on her OWN life! She is an "actual psychic" and she does some work for the police department. Isn't that cool? She does professional readings for $140 but I don't think I want to spend money to hear more bad news. I'm pretty sure even though I say I want to quit my job, it totally isn't going to happen and I have a really sickening feeling people aren't going to stop abusing their kids anytime soon. Ugh. Anywho, I love these books and I think it is neat they are based on her life!

Well, that's about all that is new and exciting. Except today we ran out of Blake's potty treats- and in case you didn't hear the CNN news bulletin it was SNOWING in DFW today (i.e. I wasn't going ANYWHERE outside) so I had to bust out a new bag of different treats. He did his business (aren't you glad you are still reading) and I whipped out the new treat and acted all excited about it. I gave it to him and he glared at me (he really did), put the treat in his mouth....and wait for it......spit. it. out. Then he went back to glaring at me. Hmmmm. Methinks puppy is a teensey weensey bit spoiled. I am able to write this blog right now because my husband is out at the store. Which store you ask? Yeah. Petsmart. Getting more potty treats- the right ones.

Oh yeah- our espresso maker came via UPS today (of course he knocked on the door RIGHT in the middle of a telephone staffing with my BOSS- knocking on the door=dogs barking like idiots) and I can't wait to put it to use! Does anyone else have one or know how to use it? I am afraid we are espresso idiots! We are just trying to save $$$ on Starbucks and make my heaven in a cup here at the casita. That was ANOTHER good deal- if you haven't checked it out....eBay is doing "deals of the day" every day until 12/8 and they are all free shipping and no tax (unless you live in that state) and are HUGE discounts. This was a brand new espresso maker, regularly priced $400 and that is what they are selling it for at Bed Bath and Beyond and at Amazon, and we got it for $150. Now we just have to figure out how to use it!

Well, since it snowed today, I think I am entitled to a big steaming cup of hot chocolate WITH marshmallows. Actually, I kind of did that yesterday.....but I think because it SNOWED I can do it again today. :-)

Happy Holidays!
B

Haha, very funny

Well, those who read my Thanksgiving post and laughed, I guess the joke is on me. Sigh. I won't even pretend that it isn't amusing, because I know it really kind of is. Who really thought I was going to NOT cook for Thanksgiving? Yeah. No one I guess. So, we are no longer going out to eat and I am now in full-fledged manic-mania-crazy mode. Running out of time rapidly but would I really be happy if it wasn't totally last minute madness? Of course not. I apparently (allegedly I should say) thrive on stress and adrenaline. Sooooo, I am making yet another Thanksgiving menu and need to make sure I get my list together soon....like.....now (would be good) and get my rear-end to the store before there is only 2 cans of cranberry and no cans of pumpkin left. I did get my turkey ordered, praise the Lord, and they told me tomorrow was the last day when I placed my order....so I am really glad I fit that into my ridiculous schedule this week instead of waiting till Saturday like Mr. Troy thought would be just fine. People are shocked enough that we aren't having dressing (oh sure, I know that will change by Thursday too, you can stop giggling now) I can't imagine what would have happened when they showed up to a nicely roasted chicken on Thursday. Happy Thanksgiving everyone, I will post my new menu soon so that everyone can giggle some more. HA ha! Very funny! NEXT YEAR we are going out to eat. Umph! Gobble gobble gobble!