Okay, okay. I know. I have been slacking. I PROMISE I am going to be back in full force over the next couple of weeks. Work has gone completely insane (seriously people- it is Christmas! Can't people stop abusing their children just for the MOMENT? It makes me crazy!) and I am so exhausted at this point, I hardly have enough energy to lay down at the end of the day and I am pretty sure I have fallen asleep sitting straight up a couple of times in the last several weeks. Thank GOD for my husband- he is a saint every year around this time- and he pretty much takes care of every last minute detail so that everyone gets a gift, it is actually wrapped in Christmas paper, we have food to eat, and gas in the cars to get us where we need to be. Every year I remember just how truly blessed and lucky I am- despite the madness of the season. I am so grateful Troy always has my back.
I always have to work the week of Christmas because I cover for my best friend this week and she covers for me next week, which is our anniversary. Well, mine and Troy's that is. Not mine and hers. Our is Sept 1. That's a whole different story. Anywho, it has worked out just that simply for the last 10 years, I work this week, she works next week. But, this year is the closest I have ever come to NOT being allowed to take off time for the holidays- my workers were SO far behind- I wasn't sure how they would ever get caught up. But, apparently, if you work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for a month straight- you get pretty close and my time off (and theirs) was approved after all. Thank goodness, I was getting ready to need SICK time as I was pretty sure I was headed to the looney tunes house in short order. My body is pretty close to just totally shutting down on me and refusing to move another inch until I rest. I have promised it that I will do just that as soon as Saturday rolls around. I just need it to hang in there with me for another three days. Please send prayers it actually does!
This week, we are celebrating our very first Christmas without our beloved Buster Brown. We have had him every single Christmas that we have been together as a couple- even before we were married. He was always so much fun on Christmas morning, he would tear into his gifts and grab the toy out from the paper and then run off like a wild dog squeaking it and playing like a pup. Bailee has never been the brightest bulb and she pretty much doesn't understand the whole opening gifts part and besides she is way too lazy to exert much effort to get to the actual gift if it is under some sort of disguise. She will gladly just sit there patiently and wait for you to unwrap it FOR her and hand it to her. I am also sure she would be just as happy to have you squeak it for her and she surely isn't fetching- anything. I am willing to bet that Blake will think the paper is the actual present and he will be running around the house like the paper bandit thinking he is really getting away with something, leaving the toys behind in his dust. Troy is making me take him to the groomer again before the week is up (he is a real stickler about this grooming thing. UMPH) so he will at least be nice and cute while he is running around with wrapping paper on Christmas morning.
I am SUPER excited about Christmas with Burim this year and I cannot wait to see the look on his face on Christmas morning after Santa visits. It is going to ROCK! I feel so privileged that my sister lets us take part in that on Christmas morning- I know a lot of people that don't have others over when their kids open Santa gifts- and I think we are lucky to get to be there and see it first hand.
I am the on call supervisor on Christmas Eve this year, so I have to make it through one additional day more than normal before I can start to enjoy the holiday with my family and 4:01 PM on Christmas Eve just simply cannot get here fast enough. I cannot wait to be off of work and enjoy quality time with Troy. These are the only days he is off of work all year long and we have big plans that involve sleeping in, napping during the day, and playing Super Mario Brothers and Guitar Hero until the wee hours of each morning. We will celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary on the 31st and I guess this is just what old folks do for fun. :-)
Merry Christmas everyone- I hope your holidays are filled with peace, joy, laughter, love and blessings. I love you all.
B
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Hello out there!
Hope everyone had a super duper fantabulous Thanksgiving. I know we sure did! Dinner/lunch went off without a hitch and everything was fabulous. My sister AND Burim ended up being able to come for the meal and my heart melted when Burim told his mother he wasn't ready to go home because he needed to stay at Becca and Uncle Troy's house a little longer to "have Thanksgiving". All together now.....Awwwwwwww! Right? I know! Uh huh! Love that kid. His mom isn't too shabby either. We had an amazing day with our family- such a blessing!
We did our big Black Friday rush- even though we got a late start at 7:30 AM. I still threatened to hurt Troy when he woke me up at THAT time. It took one VENTI peppermint white chocolate mocha (nonfat still of course) to get me back into functioning mode and stop being crabby McCrabster. Despite heading out after the sun went up- every single "deal" we wanted was still there and available. It was like we couldn't go wrong. We even stumbled into Academy Sporting Goods and found a huge clearance section and got Troy work-out shirts (NIKE!) for under $2 a piece. It was insane. I FINALLY got my "Flip" video camera- YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY and I can't wait to start using it. We also got the "door-buster" HP printer at Best Buy and I am in heaven salivating about being able to print again. Wouldn't you know it has been almost a week and I haven't needed to print anything yet though? I think I will just start printing willy nilly just to get my money's worth...even though I did get it for 50% off.
My one TRUE LOVE (kidding....kind of), Bath and Body Works, is where I scored the biggest savings. I accidentally picked up the wrong stack of coupons when we left that morning and I was near hysteria (this is SERIOUS people!) when I walked in and realized it. The manager recognized us (yes, I am aware this is NOT okay) and I blurted out my dilemma. She was all, "No problemo! We got ya covered!" and I almost kissed her but Troy yanked me back and shot me the "stop acting like a psycho" look. Umph. When I got up to the check out line with all of my little separate orders so I could use all of my little coupons the checkout girl said I could just use them all on one order. I was like....ummmm, how is that going to work? They are for 20% off? She said she would just.....wait for it......give me SIXTY PERCENT OFF (20 for each coupon)!!!!! I about FELL OUT. When it was all said and done, I got $925 worth of merchandise (full price) for........(drum roll please).........$126. I was on a deal getting HIGH for the rest of the day. Best shopping day EVER! Of course, all of this shopping was made possible by my super fabulous husband winning the Thanksgiving Day bowling tournament. Even though I was dead on my feet, I stood up and cheered for that news at almost midnight. Yes, I was at home alone in my pajamas. I still did it. Doesn't get much better than an unexpected windfall of cash the night before the biggest shopping day of the year. All of our Christmas shopping is DONE except for two things. That is pure greatness right there.
After we collapsed from shopping, cooking, entertaining, etc., etc., etc, wouldn't you know it....I got sick. Again. Of course. Ugh. So, I extended my Thanksgiving holiday by another two days, sucked down Nyquil and Gatorade, and didn't go back to work until today. All I know is my holiday vacation cannot get here fast enough because today......whew. It was a whipping. I keep trying to remember that new found wisdom from April....remember that? But it seems to be escaping me right about now. I am TRYING to do some things for myself in between saving the world and the universe....like TRYING to keep dieting (I gained three pounds over the last three weeks- YIKES) and enjoying my puppy (he is a whopping 4.4 lbs now) and reading books to relax.
Right now I am reading the Victoria Laurie "Abby Cooper- Psychic Eye" series and I just found out yesterday that the series is based on her OWN life! She is an "actual psychic" and she does some work for the police department. Isn't that cool? She does professional readings for $140 but I don't think I want to spend money to hear more bad news. I'm pretty sure even though I say I want to quit my job, it totally isn't going to happen and I have a really sickening feeling people aren't going to stop abusing their kids anytime soon. Ugh. Anywho, I love these books and I think it is neat they are based on her life!
Well, that's about all that is new and exciting. Except today we ran out of Blake's potty treats- and in case you didn't hear the CNN news bulletin it was SNOWING in DFW today (i.e. I wasn't going ANYWHERE outside) so I had to bust out a new bag of different treats. He did his business (aren't you glad you are still reading) and I whipped out the new treat and acted all excited about it. I gave it to him and he glared at me (he really did), put the treat in his mouth....and wait for it......spit. it. out. Then he went back to glaring at me. Hmmmm. Methinks puppy is a teensey weensey bit spoiled. I am able to write this blog right now because my husband is out at the store. Which store you ask? Yeah. Petsmart. Getting more potty treats- the right ones.
Oh yeah- our espresso maker came via UPS today (of course he knocked on the door RIGHT in the middle of a telephone staffing with my BOSS- knocking on the door=dogs barking like idiots) and I can't wait to put it to use! Does anyone else have one or know how to use it? I am afraid we are espresso idiots! We are just trying to save $$$ on Starbucks and make my heaven in a cup here at the casita. That was ANOTHER good deal- if you haven't checked it out....eBay is doing "deals of the day" every day until 12/8 and they are all free shipping and no tax (unless you live in that state) and are HUGE discounts. This was a brand new espresso maker, regularly priced $400 and that is what they are selling it for at Bed Bath and Beyond and at Amazon, and we got it for $150. Now we just have to figure out how to use it!
Well, since it snowed today, I think I am entitled to a big steaming cup of hot chocolate WITH marshmallows. Actually, I kind of did that yesterday.....but I think because it SNOWED I can do it again today. :-)
Happy Holidays!
B
We did our big Black Friday rush- even though we got a late start at 7:30 AM. I still threatened to hurt Troy when he woke me up at THAT time. It took one VENTI peppermint white chocolate mocha (nonfat still of course) to get me back into functioning mode and stop being crabby McCrabster. Despite heading out after the sun went up- every single "deal" we wanted was still there and available. It was like we couldn't go wrong. We even stumbled into Academy Sporting Goods and found a huge clearance section and got Troy work-out shirts (NIKE!) for under $2 a piece. It was insane. I FINALLY got my "Flip" video camera- YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY and I can't wait to start using it. We also got the "door-buster" HP printer at Best Buy and I am in heaven salivating about being able to print again. Wouldn't you know it has been almost a week and I haven't needed to print anything yet though? I think I will just start printing willy nilly just to get my money's worth...even though I did get it for 50% off.
My one TRUE LOVE (kidding....kind of), Bath and Body Works, is where I scored the biggest savings. I accidentally picked up the wrong stack of coupons when we left that morning and I was near hysteria (this is SERIOUS people!) when I walked in and realized it. The manager recognized us (yes, I am aware this is NOT okay) and I blurted out my dilemma. She was all, "No problemo! We got ya covered!" and I almost kissed her but Troy yanked me back and shot me the "stop acting like a psycho" look. Umph. When I got up to the check out line with all of my little separate orders so I could use all of my little coupons the checkout girl said I could just use them all on one order. I was like....ummmm, how is that going to work? They are for 20% off? She said she would just.....wait for it......give me SIXTY PERCENT OFF (20 for each coupon)!!!!! I about FELL OUT. When it was all said and done, I got $925 worth of merchandise (full price) for........(drum roll please).........$126. I was on a deal getting HIGH for the rest of the day. Best shopping day EVER! Of course, all of this shopping was made possible by my super fabulous husband winning the Thanksgiving Day bowling tournament. Even though I was dead on my feet, I stood up and cheered for that news at almost midnight. Yes, I was at home alone in my pajamas. I still did it. Doesn't get much better than an unexpected windfall of cash the night before the biggest shopping day of the year. All of our Christmas shopping is DONE except for two things. That is pure greatness right there.
After we collapsed from shopping, cooking, entertaining, etc., etc., etc, wouldn't you know it....I got sick. Again. Of course. Ugh. So, I extended my Thanksgiving holiday by another two days, sucked down Nyquil and Gatorade, and didn't go back to work until today. All I know is my holiday vacation cannot get here fast enough because today......whew. It was a whipping. I keep trying to remember that new found wisdom from April....remember that? But it seems to be escaping me right about now. I am TRYING to do some things for myself in between saving the world and the universe....like TRYING to keep dieting (I gained three pounds over the last three weeks- YIKES) and enjoying my puppy (he is a whopping 4.4 lbs now) and reading books to relax.
Right now I am reading the Victoria Laurie "Abby Cooper- Psychic Eye" series and I just found out yesterday that the series is based on her OWN life! She is an "actual psychic" and she does some work for the police department. Isn't that cool? She does professional readings for $140 but I don't think I want to spend money to hear more bad news. I'm pretty sure even though I say I want to quit my job, it totally isn't going to happen and I have a really sickening feeling people aren't going to stop abusing their kids anytime soon. Ugh. Anywho, I love these books and I think it is neat they are based on her life!
Well, that's about all that is new and exciting. Except today we ran out of Blake's potty treats- and in case you didn't hear the CNN news bulletin it was SNOWING in DFW today (i.e. I wasn't going ANYWHERE outside) so I had to bust out a new bag of different treats. He did his business (aren't you glad you are still reading) and I whipped out the new treat and acted all excited about it. I gave it to him and he glared at me (he really did), put the treat in his mouth....and wait for it......spit. it. out. Then he went back to glaring at me. Hmmmm. Methinks puppy is a teensey weensey bit spoiled. I am able to write this blog right now because my husband is out at the store. Which store you ask? Yeah. Petsmart. Getting more potty treats- the right ones.
Oh yeah- our espresso maker came via UPS today (of course he knocked on the door RIGHT in the middle of a telephone staffing with my BOSS- knocking on the door=dogs barking like idiots) and I can't wait to put it to use! Does anyone else have one or know how to use it? I am afraid we are espresso idiots! We are just trying to save $$$ on Starbucks and make my heaven in a cup here at the casita. That was ANOTHER good deal- if you haven't checked it out....eBay is doing "deals of the day" every day until 12/8 and they are all free shipping and no tax (unless you live in that state) and are HUGE discounts. This was a brand new espresso maker, regularly priced $400 and that is what they are selling it for at Bed Bath and Beyond and at Amazon, and we got it for $150. Now we just have to figure out how to use it!
Well, since it snowed today, I think I am entitled to a big steaming cup of hot chocolate WITH marshmallows. Actually, I kind of did that yesterday.....but I think because it SNOWED I can do it again today. :-)
Happy Holidays!
B
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Haha, very funny
Well, those who read my Thanksgiving post and laughed, I guess the joke is on me. Sigh. I won't even pretend that it isn't amusing, because I know it really kind of is. Who really thought I was going to NOT cook for Thanksgiving? Yeah. No one I guess. So, we are no longer going out to eat and I am now in full-fledged manic-mania-crazy mode. Running out of time rapidly but would I really be happy if it wasn't totally last minute madness? Of course not. I apparently (allegedly I should say) thrive on stress and adrenaline. Sooooo, I am making yet another Thanksgiving menu and need to make sure I get my list together soon....like.....now (would be good) and get my rear-end to the store before there is only 2 cans of cranberry and no cans of pumpkin left. I did get my turkey ordered, praise the Lord, and they told me tomorrow was the last day when I placed my order....so I am really glad I fit that into my ridiculous schedule this week instead of waiting till Saturday like Mr. Troy thought would be just fine. People are shocked enough that we aren't having dressing (oh sure, I know that will change by Thursday too, you can stop giggling now) I can't imagine what would have happened when they showed up to a nicely roasted chicken on Thursday. Happy Thanksgiving everyone, I will post my new menu soon so that everyone can giggle some more. HA ha! Very funny! NEXT YEAR we are going out to eat. Umph! Gobble gobble gobble!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Curious
Did you ever notice that some people have a lot higher opinion of themselves than those around them have of them? Do you call this a) Confidence b) Egotistical or c) Delusional?
Just curious.
Just curious.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Things I am Loving
Right now I am in totally in love with the following things....feel free to enjoy them all on your own too! I highly recommend!
- Blakey (Oh. Wait. I digress. That one doesn't really count. Ahem. I will try and stay focused. It is just so hard because he is so darned cute! See for yourself! This is a picture after he came home from his first trip to the groomer- where he was an absolute angel. As I said the other day, he is my sugar pie, honey bunch, cuddle umpkins....you get the picture. I adore him.)
- Blueberry and Cinnamon Sugar Bagels from Western Alternative Bagel Company (thank you to my sister-in-law for finding these for me!). I LOVE them and they are only 1 pt! I eat the blueberry ones with 1 TBS of ff strawberry cream cheese (.5 of a point) and the cinnamon ones with....wait for it....1 TBS of CHEESECAKE flavored cream cheese (1 pt and worth every drop). Yum yum YUM!
- Turkey Burgers. We had NEVER tried these before this year and we have made them tons of different ways now and loved all of them! Thank you to AFFEI for sharing the first recipe that got us started and convincing me to live just a little bit and try something new. Man, am I ever glad I did!
- Glee. Glee the show. Glee the people. Glee the music. I HEART Glee. If you haven't watched it yet- DO. It will make everything seem right with the world if for only one hour. It is hilarious, fun, silly, and smart. It is the most awesome show I have seen in a long time. I downloaded the CD they released last week and it has been blowing UP my iphone. It is fabulous and you can't help but smile, tap your feet, and sing along while you listen. Don't believe me? Just try it!
- The Mentalist- this show is hilarious. I love it. I need to send Patrick Jane out with my workers!
- Silly books about the paranormal. I have read all of the Stephanie Plum series (the holiday books are filled with paranormal activities), and all of the books ever written by Charlaine Harris. Now, I am reading the "Bewitching" series by Madelyn Alt and "Abby Cooper, Psychic Eye" by Victoria Laurie. I am reading these to give me some sort of an escape from my dreary, sad, and oft painful work life which involves reading about 40 cases a week that detail investigations of child abuse. I needed a diversion and I am finding it again in my old love- READING! I am trying (trying HARD) to make it a daily part of my life again and I am finding so much joy from doing so. Yay!
- Finally, and hold on to your hats- because this one is the chart topper. Cover the kiddos' eyes because it is about to get rated PG-13. You have been warned! Solo. Grande. NON-FAT (that part is important, LOL). PEPPERMINT white chocolate mocha- no whip please- from Starbucks. This drink is....pure bliss. Orgasm in a cup. Heaven on Earth. What I believe must most definitely be served as the beverage of choice on the other side of the pearly gates. It is the most ridiculously amazing thing I have ever tasted in my life (okay Lorren, EXCEPT the chocolate chip cookie dough cheesecake, but they aren't making that anymore so it has been replaced!) and I could drink one every day until I die. Unfortunately, it is only on the menu two or three months out of the year (might actually be a good thing), AND (worse) they are 8 pts a pop which is about how many points I should be having for dinner, and they say you really shouldn't drink your calories. For this, however, I will make an exception. I will eat zero point soup every day for three months just to enjoy this luxury. Ahhh, peppermint white chocolate mocha. I love you. I was in line the very first day this drink came back on the menu at Starbucks and I am pretty sure I have been back every day since. I am hungry as all get out but my taste buds are in pure euphoria. I did order sugar free white mocha and peppermint syrup from Torani online today. I am willing to give it a chance, for the sake of the size of both my bank account and my rear-end. But if it isn't up to snuff, back to the Starbucks line I go!
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Love this kid
Yesterday, I called my mom on her cell phone to discuss my trauma over Troy making Blake go to the groomer for the first time and get some moral support. I was TERRIFIED they were going to.....heck. I don't know what I was so worried about but he is my little baby and I was nervous as all get out!
I found her watching Ice Age 3 with Shannon and Burim at their house. She endured my whining for a few moments before telling me she had to go and would talk to me later. UMPH! I was indignant while I was hanging up when I heard hollering in the background, "Are you still there? Hello?! Rebecca, did you hang up?" and I think she has had a change of heart about wanting to humor me for a few more minutes and I say, "Yes! I am here mom!" The next thing I heard was, "Hi Becca!" in this little bitty voice of pure, unadulterated sweetness and my mom says, "That was all, Burim just wanted to say hi." Then, I hear him tell his grandmother, in the most matter-of-fact and educational tone of voice, "She's my aunt." I busted out laughing and he made my whole entire day. My mom pretended to actually be educated by this information because, well, that's just what grandmas do.
Have a great week everyone. Hope someone brings a brilliant smile to your face over something as simple and pure as this.
Love,
B
I found her watching Ice Age 3 with Shannon and Burim at their house. She endured my whining for a few moments before telling me she had to go and would talk to me later. UMPH! I was indignant while I was hanging up when I heard hollering in the background, "Are you still there? Hello?! Rebecca, did you hang up?" and I think she has had a change of heart about wanting to humor me for a few more minutes and I say, "Yes! I am here mom!" The next thing I heard was, "Hi Becca!" in this little bitty voice of pure, unadulterated sweetness and my mom says, "That was all, Burim just wanted to say hi." Then, I hear him tell his grandmother, in the most matter-of-fact and educational tone of voice, "She's my aunt." I busted out laughing and he made my whole entire day. My mom pretended to actually be educated by this information because, well, that's just what grandmas do.
Have a great week everyone. Hope someone brings a brilliant smile to your face over something as simple and pure as this.
Love,
B
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
A change is gonna do you good
Well, yesterday, I bit the bullet and made a decision. We are going out to eat for Thanksgiving. GASP!
Every year, I host Thanksgiving at my home and I make myself crazy (and spend a ton of $$$) making a humongous meal that is way too much food for any one family (or three or four) to eat. I love it. I have done it two days after being in a car accident that totaled my car and sent me to the ER in an ambulance. I have done it three days after having surgery on my jaw which caused nerve damage and I couldn't feel my face. I have done it two days after my great-grandmother passed away because we "already had the food" and we might as well cook it and eat before we loaded up for the trip home to Illinois. I have done it after working until 3 AM the night before because a case blew up before I could escape the office for the holiday.
Yes, I am a glutton for punishment and most would say I am just a martyr and like the madness. :-) I do think a lot of that is true, but mostly, I love to do it. I like the fact that I can single-handedly (okay my husband might take offense at that part because I do put him to work like I am the Nazi Chef in the Soup Kitchen on Seinfeld barking orders like a lunatic, "Stir that pot! Take that out of the oven! I need the blue pan not the green one!") put on a feast for 5 to 15 people and it tastes great and looks beautiful and everyone enjoys the meal and has a great time. It reminds me of my grandmother and makes me feel close to her every year when I carry out this amazing feat and think about how she did it for 20 years for up to three times the amount of people. I love having everyone at my house and I love thinking about the memories and the traditions that we are making here. I love the feeling of success when I crawl into bed after the last person has left and the last dish is washed and I collapse utterly exhausted and tremendously proud and happy.
This year, my sister is not coming to Thanksgiving with us (SOB!) and my grandmother, who was possibly going to come down, isn't going to be able to make it. My husband's family is doing a separate get-together on Friday following T-Day so they won't be here either. It is just going to be us, my mom, and Troy's mom. For four people, I just couldn't see putting out the spread. I picked up the phone, I called Texas de Brazil, and I made reservations for four. I should have felt a sense of relief....right? No work. No dishes. No hot oven heating up the house. No mess. No back ache from standing on the kitchen floor for 12 hours straight. This should be great....right?
I started thinking after I made the reservations that we were eating awfully early....and wouldn't we be hungry later? What would we eat without any leftovers? Nothing will be open that day! We must have food to eat....otherwise, we would die of starvation! That 11:00 all you can eat steakhouse dinner isn't going to tide you over indefinitely!!!
I know! What if I just prepare a "small" Thanksgiving meal....no big deal....for after the game? Then we could eat a little bitty Thanksgiving dinner that evening after the game and that way no one will die of starvation on our watch. My husband just looked at me and rolled his eyes. "Just do it," he told me. "But, you are ordering the turkey from Popeyes, I am not frying it." Me, smiling from ear to ear....."DEAL!" So, while this year won't be the big feast we normally have....we are still going to have our nice dinner at home and all will be right with the world because I AM just a glutton for punishment. Well, all will be right except Shannon and Burim not being here. I know it is only fair but I am still sad. :-(
Here is my menu:
Every year, I host Thanksgiving at my home and I make myself crazy (and spend a ton of $$$) making a humongous meal that is way too much food for any one family (or three or four) to eat. I love it. I have done it two days after being in a car accident that totaled my car and sent me to the ER in an ambulance. I have done it three days after having surgery on my jaw which caused nerve damage and I couldn't feel my face. I have done it two days after my great-grandmother passed away because we "already had the food" and we might as well cook it and eat before we loaded up for the trip home to Illinois. I have done it after working until 3 AM the night before because a case blew up before I could escape the office for the holiday.
Yes, I am a glutton for punishment and most would say I am just a martyr and like the madness. :-) I do think a lot of that is true, but mostly, I love to do it. I like the fact that I can single-handedly (okay my husband might take offense at that part because I do put him to work like I am the Nazi Chef in the Soup Kitchen on Seinfeld barking orders like a lunatic, "Stir that pot! Take that out of the oven! I need the blue pan not the green one!") put on a feast for 5 to 15 people and it tastes great and looks beautiful and everyone enjoys the meal and has a great time. It reminds me of my grandmother and makes me feel close to her every year when I carry out this amazing feat and think about how she did it for 20 years for up to three times the amount of people. I love having everyone at my house and I love thinking about the memories and the traditions that we are making here. I love the feeling of success when I crawl into bed after the last person has left and the last dish is washed and I collapse utterly exhausted and tremendously proud and happy.
This year, my sister is not coming to Thanksgiving with us (SOB!) and my grandmother, who was possibly going to come down, isn't going to be able to make it. My husband's family is doing a separate get-together on Friday following T-Day so they won't be here either. It is just going to be us, my mom, and Troy's mom. For four people, I just couldn't see putting out the spread. I picked up the phone, I called Texas de Brazil, and I made reservations for four. I should have felt a sense of relief....right? No work. No dishes. No hot oven heating up the house. No mess. No back ache from standing on the kitchen floor for 12 hours straight. This should be great....right?
I started thinking after I made the reservations that we were eating awfully early....and wouldn't we be hungry later? What would we eat without any leftovers? Nothing will be open that day! We must have food to eat....otherwise, we would die of starvation! That 11:00 all you can eat steakhouse dinner isn't going to tide you over indefinitely!!!
I know! What if I just prepare a "small" Thanksgiving meal....no big deal....for after the game? Then we could eat a little bitty Thanksgiving dinner that evening after the game and that way no one will die of starvation on our watch. My husband just looked at me and rolled his eyes. "Just do it," he told me. "But, you are ordering the turkey from Popeyes, I am not frying it." Me, smiling from ear to ear....."DEAL!" So, while this year won't be the big feast we normally have....we are still going to have our nice dinner at home and all will be right with the world because I AM just a glutton for punishment. Well, all will be right except Shannon and Burim not being here. I know it is only fair but I am still sad. :-(
Here is my menu:
Main Meal
Fried Turkey (4.5 pts for 3 ounces)
Mashed Potatoes (2 pts)
Broccoli Rice Casserole (4 pts)
Sweet Potato Casserole (4 pts)
Cranberries (2 pts)
Deviled Eggs (2pts for 1 egg)
Desserts
Pumpkin Pie Smash (1 pt)
Bread Pudding (8 pts)
Banana Pudding (5 pts)
Pumpkin Pie Flan (4 pts)
Appetizers
Jalapeno Poppers
Crab and Shrimp Stuffed Mushrooms
Fruit and Vegetable Tray
Chips and Dips
Fried Turkey (4.5 pts for 3 ounces)
Mashed Potatoes (2 pts)
Broccoli Rice Casserole (4 pts)
Sweet Potato Casserole (4 pts)
Cranberries (2 pts)
Deviled Eggs (2pts for 1 egg)
Desserts
Pumpkin Pie Smash (1 pt)
Bread Pudding (8 pts)
Banana Pudding (5 pts)
Pumpkin Pie Flan (4 pts)
Appetizers
Jalapeno Poppers
Crab and Shrimp Stuffed Mushrooms
Fruit and Vegetable Tray
Chips and Dips
******
I hope our meal at Texas de Brazil is lovely, I hope our meal at home turns out fabulously (I have never made a couple of the things on this menu and I am praying for them to all turn out for the big day!) and I hope we are all happy, healthy, and hopeful when we celebrate our blessings this year on our official day of Gratitude.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Happy Halloween!
Yesterday was the greatest Halloween on record that I can remember as an adult. When we first got married, we always got so excited for Halloween and would buy tons of candy and wait for the little kiddos to come ring the doorbell and most of the time it happened a grand total of once or twice per night, so we gave up on Halloween about 5 or 6 years ago and started hiding in the dark with the porch light off praying no one would ring the doorbell and send our anti-social dogs into a psychotic barking frenzy.
This year, we had plans to meet my sister and go to a few houses for trick or treating with Burim, who is almost 4 years old now, and I had the bright idea that I would dress Blake the puppy up and trot him along with us. He has only walked on his harness a couple of times and both of those times occurred INSIDE the house. He hasn't been able to go outside at all until recently since he just got his second set of shots. But we still thought it would be cute and fun, so that was the plan.
I had wanted Blakers to be a cute pumpkin for his costume, but by the time we trekked to Petsmart, Petco, and Wal-Mart on Saturday morning, they were about cleaned out and we were advised that the XXS sizes sell out the most quickly and we shouldn't really wait till the last day. Thanks for the hot tip! Very helpful info at this juncture. Oh well, we found a Vampire cape on 75% off and so we packed it up for a grand total of $3 and that was to be the costume. I started panicking about how cold it was going to be so we switched costumes on our way out the door into a sweatshirt with metal studs on it that is appropriately labeled "stud muffin". Well, that was my first mistake of the night.
We load up and head to my sister's and she and Burim are waiting outside for us. I can hear him yelling, "They are here! They are here!" and boy howdy how my whole heart just melts. I can remember us talking when he was younger about how we couldn't wait for that time when he would get so excited and come running when we got there, just like I used to do with my grandparents. He is beside himself with his excitement over Blake being there as well. Apparently, he was living out some kind of dream because he told his mother earlier in the night, "But mommy, you said we would never, ever, ever, ever, have a dog inside our house!" Out of the mouth of babes. We start unpacking the car and Shannon tells Burim, "Burim, do you remember what costume Blake is going to wear tonight?" and he excitedly replies, "Yeah! A Dracula!!!" Mommy looks at me when I start shaking my head and reply, "Well.... not anymore, we changed costumes." Burim says, "What is he going to be now Becca?!?!" and I realize my error and start trying to think how I am going to explain to him that Blake is no longer going dressed as a vampire but instead as a "stud muffin"....whoops.
The following are some highlights of our wonderful evening that was filled with laughter, fun, chaos, and a headache. The headache was worth it though. So worth it!
-Burim takes me with him to the potty and instead of trying to help him get his clothes back on, I start telling him, no, time to take your clothes OFF and put your costume ON. He looks at me crazy and says, "Becca. The costume goes OVER your clothes." There was SUCH righteous indignation in his voice. Adults. Idiots.
-Burim getting frustrated with not being able to get something open. Mommy to Burim, "What should we do when we need help with something?" (in her most patient and elementary teacher like voice) and Burim walks over, leans his head on her shoulder and says, "Can you help me please Mommy?" Unfortunately for her, she was the only one that couldn't see him rolling his eyes at her. Of course, being the aunt and uncle, we had no problem ruining the delusion for her because his sarcasm was quite amusing to us. :-)
-Burim walks up to Blake and yells BOOOOOO. I say, "Burim, quit screaming at Blake, he is a baby." He informs me he is not yelling at him, he is playing a game with him, and it is called "Scare Tag". I say we are not going to play that game with Blake. Burim throws his hands up in the air and informs me, "BUT! BUT! That's the only game I have!" Poor kid.
-Going out for trick or treating and this is Blake's first time to walk on the leash/harness outside. Yeah. That lasted about hmmmmm, less than 5 seconds? He just stood in one spot and didn't move. So, the rest of the night consisted of me carrying my stud muffin around the neighborhood. He is just a TAD spoiled perhaps? I guess there will always be another opportunity for a "first" walk outside....time will tell.
-Burim tells one of the neighbor's who gives him candy (after he has asked her what her dog's name is and told the dog hello and a gamut of other questions she politely answered for him)....."Today. Is Halloween." He said this with all seriousness in quite the profound and matter of fact tone of voice. She was very sweet and said "Oh! Thank you for telling me!" LOL
-Burim again to a very nice older gentleman who asks him which race car driver he was..."No! I am on the Pit Crew!!!!" He knows his Nascar!
-We got a late start and Shannon's neighborhood isn't the greatest for trick or treating as it is and poor Burim was having a hard time getting people to come to the door. We had gone up and down the street already and told him we were going to go to "one more house". As we approached that last part of the street, the porch light went off. We looked at each other in horror and Troy sees another house up further that has their light on too. We tell Burim that THIS would be the last house instead. Ring the doorbell, no answer. Boo. We go walking back down the sidewalk and all of the sudden this perfect little trick or treater who has politely told each person "trick or treat" and "please and thank you" yells out loud, "I want SOMEBODY to GIVE ME SOME TRICK OR TREAT CANDY!" We couldn't help but crack up.
-Burim spent much of his night trying to convince me that we needed to give Blake water to drink or dog food to eat or even wanting to split his candy haul with him so that he could "share". I kept reminding him all night that he couldn't touch his dishes and that only Aunt Becca or Uncle Troy could give Blake anything to eat or drink. The thing about Burim is that he is so smart, sometimes you can see the wheels actually turning in his head and something you think he has long forgotten about, he has just spent his time formulating a new plan. All of a sudden, long after the trick or treating had ended, Burim comes up to me holding the cap to my water and the cap to Troy's water. They are both filled up with water from the sink. He holds out the two tiny caps and announces, "This is water for Blake to drink. It's not that much, but he was getting thirsty you know?" He was so thrilled that we actually let him give Blake the water to drink and his little giggle was enough to make up for his sneakiness. :-)
-Now, the night took a drastic turn for the worse and the much less cute when we all decided we would load up and head to the nearest Dairy Queen, which is like 15 miles away. Burim was HYPER by this point loaded up on candy and Halloween excitement, Blake was exhausted and he does NOT ride in the car well, and the adults were about over the holiday cheer. Burim proceeds to kick my seat over and over and over again. I finally turned around and told him if he didn't stop kicking my seat, Uncle Troy was pulling the car over and he wasn't going to like what happened next. He stops kicking my seat and proceeds to scream bloody murder (remember I mentioned the HEADACHE? Between his screaming, his mother's redirection, and my dog squealing like a piglet, I was a walking commercial for "Excedrine- the headache medicine") at the top of his lungs. His mother then says to him, "Burim Shabanaj, if you do not behave, Uncle Troy is stopping this car and he is going to SPANK YOU!" Everything got silent as a mouse. I leaned over to Troy and said, "Are you prepared to spank him?" He glares at me and says, "NO! What is WRONG with you two?!" I have to think that at this point his craving for a pumpkin pie blizzard must have really been feeling like a HUGE mistake. :-) Everyone settled down nicely when we got our goodies though and things went well until I heard Burim say, "Uh oh. We have an ice cream EMERGENCY!" (Why were we in MY car again?!)
Hope your Halloween was at least as great if not better and that you had at least half the amusement we had. I am sure there was even more exciting and amusing stuff that went on...but you know how I don't like to brag. Umph!
Happy Fall Y'all!
B
This year, we had plans to meet my sister and go to a few houses for trick or treating with Burim, who is almost 4 years old now, and I had the bright idea that I would dress Blake the puppy up and trot him along with us. He has only walked on his harness a couple of times and both of those times occurred INSIDE the house. He hasn't been able to go outside at all until recently since he just got his second set of shots. But we still thought it would be cute and fun, so that was the plan.
I had wanted Blakers to be a cute pumpkin for his costume, but by the time we trekked to Petsmart, Petco, and Wal-Mart on Saturday morning, they were about cleaned out and we were advised that the XXS sizes sell out the most quickly and we shouldn't really wait till the last day. Thanks for the hot tip! Very helpful info at this juncture. Oh well, we found a Vampire cape on 75% off and so we packed it up for a grand total of $3 and that was to be the costume. I started panicking about how cold it was going to be so we switched costumes on our way out the door into a sweatshirt with metal studs on it that is appropriately labeled "stud muffin". Well, that was my first mistake of the night.
We load up and head to my sister's and she and Burim are waiting outside for us. I can hear him yelling, "They are here! They are here!" and boy howdy how my whole heart just melts. I can remember us talking when he was younger about how we couldn't wait for that time when he would get so excited and come running when we got there, just like I used to do with my grandparents. He is beside himself with his excitement over Blake being there as well. Apparently, he was living out some kind of dream because he told his mother earlier in the night, "But mommy, you said we would never, ever, ever, ever, have a dog inside our house!" Out of the mouth of babes. We start unpacking the car and Shannon tells Burim, "Burim, do you remember what costume Blake is going to wear tonight?" and he excitedly replies, "Yeah! A Dracula!!!" Mommy looks at me when I start shaking my head and reply, "Well.... not anymore, we changed costumes." Burim says, "What is he going to be now Becca?!?!" and I realize my error and start trying to think how I am going to explain to him that Blake is no longer going dressed as a vampire but instead as a "stud muffin"....whoops.
The following are some highlights of our wonderful evening that was filled with laughter, fun, chaos, and a headache. The headache was worth it though. So worth it!
-Burim takes me with him to the potty and instead of trying to help him get his clothes back on, I start telling him, no, time to take your clothes OFF and put your costume ON. He looks at me crazy and says, "Becca. The costume goes OVER your clothes." There was SUCH righteous indignation in his voice. Adults. Idiots.
-Burim getting frustrated with not being able to get something open. Mommy to Burim, "What should we do when we need help with something?" (in her most patient and elementary teacher like voice) and Burim walks over, leans his head on her shoulder and says, "Can you help me please Mommy?" Unfortunately for her, she was the only one that couldn't see him rolling his eyes at her. Of course, being the aunt and uncle, we had no problem ruining the delusion for her because his sarcasm was quite amusing to us. :-)
-Burim walks up to Blake and yells BOOOOOO. I say, "Burim, quit screaming at Blake, he is a baby." He informs me he is not yelling at him, he is playing a game with him, and it is called "Scare Tag". I say we are not going to play that game with Blake. Burim throws his hands up in the air and informs me, "BUT! BUT! That's the only game I have!" Poor kid.
-Going out for trick or treating and this is Blake's first time to walk on the leash/harness outside. Yeah. That lasted about hmmmmm, less than 5 seconds? He just stood in one spot and didn't move. So, the rest of the night consisted of me carrying my stud muffin around the neighborhood. He is just a TAD spoiled perhaps? I guess there will always be another opportunity for a "first" walk outside....time will tell.
-Burim tells one of the neighbor's who gives him candy (after he has asked her what her dog's name is and told the dog hello and a gamut of other questions she politely answered for him)....."Today. Is Halloween." He said this with all seriousness in quite the profound and matter of fact tone of voice. She was very sweet and said "Oh! Thank you for telling me!" LOL
-Burim again to a very nice older gentleman who asks him which race car driver he was..."No! I am on the Pit Crew!!!!" He knows his Nascar!
-We got a late start and Shannon's neighborhood isn't the greatest for trick or treating as it is and poor Burim was having a hard time getting people to come to the door. We had gone up and down the street already and told him we were going to go to "one more house". As we approached that last part of the street, the porch light went off. We looked at each other in horror and Troy sees another house up further that has their light on too. We tell Burim that THIS would be the last house instead. Ring the doorbell, no answer. Boo. We go walking back down the sidewalk and all of the sudden this perfect little trick or treater who has politely told each person "trick or treat" and "please and thank you" yells out loud, "I want SOMEBODY to GIVE ME SOME TRICK OR TREAT CANDY!" We couldn't help but crack up.
-Burim spent much of his night trying to convince me that we needed to give Blake water to drink or dog food to eat or even wanting to split his candy haul with him so that he could "share". I kept reminding him all night that he couldn't touch his dishes and that only Aunt Becca or Uncle Troy could give Blake anything to eat or drink. The thing about Burim is that he is so smart, sometimes you can see the wheels actually turning in his head and something you think he has long forgotten about, he has just spent his time formulating a new plan. All of a sudden, long after the trick or treating had ended, Burim comes up to me holding the cap to my water and the cap to Troy's water. They are both filled up with water from the sink. He holds out the two tiny caps and announces, "This is water for Blake to drink. It's not that much, but he was getting thirsty you know?" He was so thrilled that we actually let him give Blake the water to drink and his little giggle was enough to make up for his sneakiness. :-)
-Now, the night took a drastic turn for the worse and the much less cute when we all decided we would load up and head to the nearest Dairy Queen, which is like 15 miles away. Burim was HYPER by this point loaded up on candy and Halloween excitement, Blake was exhausted and he does NOT ride in the car well, and the adults were about over the holiday cheer. Burim proceeds to kick my seat over and over and over again. I finally turned around and told him if he didn't stop kicking my seat, Uncle Troy was pulling the car over and he wasn't going to like what happened next. He stops kicking my seat and proceeds to scream bloody murder (remember I mentioned the HEADACHE? Between his screaming, his mother's redirection, and my dog squealing like a piglet, I was a walking commercial for "Excedrine- the headache medicine") at the top of his lungs. His mother then says to him, "Burim Shabanaj, if you do not behave, Uncle Troy is stopping this car and he is going to SPANK YOU!" Everything got silent as a mouse. I leaned over to Troy and said, "Are you prepared to spank him?" He glares at me and says, "NO! What is WRONG with you two?!" I have to think that at this point his craving for a pumpkin pie blizzard must have really been feeling like a HUGE mistake. :-) Everyone settled down nicely when we got our goodies though and things went well until I heard Burim say, "Uh oh. We have an ice cream EMERGENCY!" (Why were we in MY car again?!)
Hope your Halloween was at least as great if not better and that you had at least half the amusement we had. I am sure there was even more exciting and amusing stuff that went on...but you know how I don't like to brag. Umph!
Happy Fall Y'all!
B
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tap dancing in my too big shoes....
Time to get excited people! It's DST! I literally cannot WAIT to stay up till 2 AM on Saturday/Sunday just so I can enjoy turning back the clock and getting the great pleasure out of seeing the new time. Things I am going to do with my extra hour of time this week?
Sleep
Read
Sleep
Read
Sleep
Eat something
Read
Sleep
Okay, I realize that all of that won't fit into one hour. But I plan to make the most of it!
Yippeeeeee!
Happy DST to everyone!
Sleep
Read
Sleep
Read
Sleep
Eat something
Read
Sleep
Okay, I realize that all of that won't fit into one hour. But I plan to make the most of it!
Yippeeeeee!
Happy DST to everyone!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Big shoes
Today, as I was getting ready for my day, I selected a pair of shoes that I thought were going to be super duper cute with my new outfit. Well, not new exactly, but I just took the price tags off and the pants were the smallest size I have been in 3 years....so they were new to me. Anyway, I digress. The shoes were too big! I took them off and looked at them to see if I could find some explanation for this...the shoes are almost brand new! I bought them at a great sale not too long ago. I tried them on again. Nope, they are too big. I got another pair off of my shoe rack and decided that I would have to go with those, even though they weren't as cute, because I was running short on time. Too big. What in the world? I stared at my feet in confusion. It finally dawned on me that all of the shoes I had been buying in the last year don't fit anymore because I have apparently even lost weight in my FEET. I had to go grab a pair of OLD SHOES that are my normal size. My feet grew half a size when I gained so much weight! You can stop laughing now...this is a true story. As I stood there in shock looking at these shoes swimming on my feet, I thought that this was quite possibly a metaphor for my life right now.
Sometimes, I feel like maybe my own shoes are too big for my feet....even without the weight loss. Sometimes, I wonder whose shoes I am really standing in when I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Is this my life? Who is this person in the mirror? When did I take on so much responsibility? Decide that I was the right person to make life and death decisions about children's lives? About whether families stay together or apart? That I was the right person to teach new workers about how to determine if children are safe? If a case can be closed? Who is this Rebecca? She is not anyone I would have recognized 10 years ago.
All of this was precipitated today by a huge assignment from my boss. I idolize her, adore her, have more respect for her than almost any one I know. I have worked for her for a very long time- by choice. When I got the assignment, I literally felt the weight of the world crushing down on my shoulders, felt my chest tightening with fear. I didn't want to let her down...but I couldn't see how I was POSSIBLY going to accomplish what she was asking me to do. I could hardly sleep at all last night worrying about this and was up with Troy at 5 AM worrying about it some more. "Just do the best you can Rebecca," he told me. I told him but this was impossible, I don't think I can do it. He told me she wouldn't have given it to me if she didn't think I could. I said, "That's just the problem, they think I can do ANYTHING." He looked at me with seriousness and said, "That's because you can. You can do anything you want to, you always have been able to. It's your gift." I felt the weight coming down harder....because I know this is how he feels about me...and I was just adding him to the list of the people I was going to let down.
I called my best friend, who is my co-supervisor, and shared the "good" news about my new assignment. I told her I was FREAKING OUT. She told me, "You can do it! You are SUPER CHICK!". We call my unit "Dix's Chix" and have a bulletin board with the cutest little chicks for each worker....and so she decided about two weeks ago that my nick-name would be "Super Chick" because of my "super powers". I just shook my head and laughed when she came up with that then. Today, it was making me ill.
I hung up the phone with her and posted a status on facebook that read, "Whatever doesn't kill me will make me stronger....". One of my workers immediately jumped online and wrote, "I just call you SHE-Man". Another one of my ex-employees followed up with, "I just call you a badass". These workers have so much respect for me, they trust me so much....they think I can move mountains. I wonder sometimes (often times)....do I deserve this? What if I am not worthy....what if I am not this person who they idolize and look up to? What if these shoes are too big for me to fill? Don't get me wrong, I have worked HARD to get where I am at my job. But sometimes I just wonder who this person is that has this reputation of being...invincible.
As I stared down at my old shoes I had to dust off this morning, I took a deep breath and told myself I can only take it one step at a time. One case at a time, one day at a time, maybe even one hour at a time. Sometimes, I over-think situations (okay, most of you can stop laughing now, I over-think MOST situations...) and try to plan things out so far in advance that the sheer thought process associated with these tasks can be over-whelming and crippling. I was already worrying not about how I was going to get through this week but how I was going to get everything done for next week as well, never mind just getting through today. Whenever I break it down to just take it one step at a time, it is liberating and I can start to feel like I can breathe again. I opened my calendar and added the one meeting I needed to have to start the process for tomorrow morning. There, it's on there. I am moving in the right direction. I was starting to feel a little bit better.
When I was on my way out the door, I went to grab my keys and looked up at the sign we have hanging in the kitchen, "Prayer: When life gets too hard to stand.....kneel". And I suddenly remembered, why am I trying to do this by myself? Why am I putting the pressure of the world on my shoulders alone? I wasn't designed for that....I am only hurting myself by forgetting to ask for help. By forgetting that God will not put more on me than I can carry. For forgetting that I am never in this alone and that I don't carry this burden unassisted. By forgetting that I always have somewhere to turn when I am facing the impossible.
So, after I got done venting to my boss (thank goodness she knows me well enough after all these years to just let me get it out without judgment), I prayed. I prayed for guidance, for strength, for courage, for vision and for hope. I thanked God for blessing me with this gift to be able to give back so much sometimes it hurts. For blessing me with my abilities and for the gift of compassion. For blessing me with workers who respect, trust, and look up to me and for a boss who trusts and values me and entrusts me with her most important tasks. For a boss who cares enough about me as a person to let me rant and rave when I need to in order to get it out of my system. Thanked God for a husband who has stood by me and supported me through almost 11 years of service with this agency and has more faith in me than I could ever have in myself. I thanked God for the privilege I have to serve him and to serve my community. For the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of children, families, and the employees I work with.
Does the road ahead still look scary? Bleak? Difficult? Challenging? Yes, it is all of those things. But it is not hopeless. I have some big shoes to fill. It is a good thing I don't have to stand in them alone (and a good thing I had some smaller ones handy in the closet). God has given me this gift and I know he is going to help me use it. I just have to put one too-big shoe in front of the other.
Sometimes, I feel like maybe my own shoes are too big for my feet....even without the weight loss. Sometimes, I wonder whose shoes I am really standing in when I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Is this my life? Who is this person in the mirror? When did I take on so much responsibility? Decide that I was the right person to make life and death decisions about children's lives? About whether families stay together or apart? That I was the right person to teach new workers about how to determine if children are safe? If a case can be closed? Who is this Rebecca? She is not anyone I would have recognized 10 years ago.
All of this was precipitated today by a huge assignment from my boss. I idolize her, adore her, have more respect for her than almost any one I know. I have worked for her for a very long time- by choice. When I got the assignment, I literally felt the weight of the world crushing down on my shoulders, felt my chest tightening with fear. I didn't want to let her down...but I couldn't see how I was POSSIBLY going to accomplish what she was asking me to do. I could hardly sleep at all last night worrying about this and was up with Troy at 5 AM worrying about it some more. "Just do the best you can Rebecca," he told me. I told him but this was impossible, I don't think I can do it. He told me she wouldn't have given it to me if she didn't think I could. I said, "That's just the problem, they think I can do ANYTHING." He looked at me with seriousness and said, "That's because you can. You can do anything you want to, you always have been able to. It's your gift." I felt the weight coming down harder....because I know this is how he feels about me...and I was just adding him to the list of the people I was going to let down.
I called my best friend, who is my co-supervisor, and shared the "good" news about my new assignment. I told her I was FREAKING OUT. She told me, "You can do it! You are SUPER CHICK!". We call my unit "Dix's Chix" and have a bulletin board with the cutest little chicks for each worker....and so she decided about two weeks ago that my nick-name would be "Super Chick" because of my "super powers". I just shook my head and laughed when she came up with that then. Today, it was making me ill.
I hung up the phone with her and posted a status on facebook that read, "Whatever doesn't kill me will make me stronger....". One of my workers immediately jumped online and wrote, "I just call you SHE-Man". Another one of my ex-employees followed up with, "I just call you a badass". These workers have so much respect for me, they trust me so much....they think I can move mountains. I wonder sometimes (often times)....do I deserve this? What if I am not worthy....what if I am not this person who they idolize and look up to? What if these shoes are too big for me to fill? Don't get me wrong, I have worked HARD to get where I am at my job. But sometimes I just wonder who this person is that has this reputation of being...invincible.
As I stared down at my old shoes I had to dust off this morning, I took a deep breath and told myself I can only take it one step at a time. One case at a time, one day at a time, maybe even one hour at a time. Sometimes, I over-think situations (okay, most of you can stop laughing now, I over-think MOST situations...) and try to plan things out so far in advance that the sheer thought process associated with these tasks can be over-whelming and crippling. I was already worrying not about how I was going to get through this week but how I was going to get everything done for next week as well, never mind just getting through today. Whenever I break it down to just take it one step at a time, it is liberating and I can start to feel like I can breathe again. I opened my calendar and added the one meeting I needed to have to start the process for tomorrow morning. There, it's on there. I am moving in the right direction. I was starting to feel a little bit better.
When I was on my way out the door, I went to grab my keys and looked up at the sign we have hanging in the kitchen, "Prayer: When life gets too hard to stand.....kneel". And I suddenly remembered, why am I trying to do this by myself? Why am I putting the pressure of the world on my shoulders alone? I wasn't designed for that....I am only hurting myself by forgetting to ask for help. By forgetting that God will not put more on me than I can carry. For forgetting that I am never in this alone and that I don't carry this burden unassisted. By forgetting that I always have somewhere to turn when I am facing the impossible.
So, after I got done venting to my boss (thank goodness she knows me well enough after all these years to just let me get it out without judgment), I prayed. I prayed for guidance, for strength, for courage, for vision and for hope. I thanked God for blessing me with this gift to be able to give back so much sometimes it hurts. For blessing me with my abilities and for the gift of compassion. For blessing me with workers who respect, trust, and look up to me and for a boss who trusts and values me and entrusts me with her most important tasks. For a boss who cares enough about me as a person to let me rant and rave when I need to in order to get it out of my system. Thanked God for a husband who has stood by me and supported me through almost 11 years of service with this agency and has more faith in me than I could ever have in myself. I thanked God for the privilege I have to serve him and to serve my community. For the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of children, families, and the employees I work with.
Does the road ahead still look scary? Bleak? Difficult? Challenging? Yes, it is all of those things. But it is not hopeless. I have some big shoes to fill. It is a good thing I don't have to stand in them alone (and a good thing I had some smaller ones handy in the closet). God has given me this gift and I know he is going to help me use it. I just have to put one too-big shoe in front of the other.
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