Peace at Last

I really don't have the right words to do justice to the the way I am feeling now. I am more relaxed, more refreshed....more peaceful than I remember being in a very, very, very long time. I feel HUMAN again. I am not sure if I can attribute all of this new found peace, love, and happiness to my recent 3 week vacation...but it did not hurt.

I made a huge commitment to myself when I was off. It took help from just about every single person I know- and some people I don't know- to figure out what exactly I have been doing wrong- and what I needed to do to make it right (I think that second part is always the most difficult!). I am the most dependable person when it comes to work- I needed to find that same trust-worthiness when it came to depending on me for ME.

To be honest, although I owe so much to so many friends and family members, the best words of wisdom came from none other than the incredibly handsome and talented, Tim McGraw. I had heard this song at least a dozen times but never stopped to listen to the words. "That ain't nothing to die for." Truer words were never spoken (or sung as the case may be) to reflect what I was doing with my life.

"And the inbox outbox locks you in and the money you make ain't worth the time you spend to make your pay. The doctor says 'man your numbers they don't lie' The graveyard's full of folks that didn't have time to die"

The day I truly heard those words...they stopped me cold. "Don't have time to die?" That couldn't describe me any better. The day I was in an extremely serious car accident- I called my JOB before I called anyone else and said I might be a little late. Now, to be fair, I had been knocked unconscious and had a really bad concussion....but that is just me using a convenient excuse. I was devastated that day to let my JOB down and I was so worried about it until I saw the looks of fear on the face of my mom, sister, nephew, and husband as they peered down at me while I was strapped to the stretcher, not allowed to move. Should it take seeing that worry that I might DIE to switch my focus to MY LIFE? Of course not....but that is how I have been living for the past 10 years.

What in the world was I doing with my life? I spend each and every day working from the moment I wake up, till the time I go to sleep, and wake up at night thinking about and dreaming about work. I was spending ZERO time on Rebecca and almost as little time on my family and friends. I am not exactly sure what I have been running from, hiding from, for all this time...but I do have a few very painful ideas. Infertility....the loss of my step-father....the loss of my grandfather....these are all things I have never fully dealt with as I consumed myself with work to get through them. Work has been my crutch.

The truth is- my job and my work are in fact very important. I am dedicated, I am an over-achiever, and I CARE. Those are important qualities in the field of child welfare and I have always prided myself on being one of the best there is. I have used those qualities as an excuse to work myself into the ground for the greater good. The children and families I work with have ALWAYS been well served and better off because they had ME. My employees were always fortunate to have been taught by me. My bosses lives made easier because they had me. I honestly and truly believe that. With all my heart. I still believe it is true.

But the fact is that I can be the best there is BECAUSE of those traits- without working 24/7/365. I don't always have to be the one to say yes. I don't always have to be the one willing to do what no one else is. The world isn't going to end if my stats are not perfect. If I am not perfect. If my unit isn't perfect. I need to take some of those great qualities and make MY life great too- not just those around me. How much better would things be for not only me but also them if I put that into action? I have been blessed with talent and I have only thought I was using it to the best of my abilities- but in the process, I was wasting so much potential not realizing how much more I had to give- to me and those I love. Not just those I serve.

I looked at myself in the mirror while I was off and I hated what I saw. Not just was I disgusted with what had become of my weight but I saw the pain, the strain, and the pull in my face. I told several of my friends- I was aging before my very eyes. The long hours, the never-ending work week/month/year, the lack of sleep, the poor diet, the caffeine intake, the constant stress, pressure, and deadlines, it had all completely changed ME, my face, my aura, my personality, my being. I was beyond tired, exhausted, worn, and battered and I was empty. It was time I took control back of ME and my LIFE.

People who know me well were concerned by my new found philosophy on life. Not concerned that I was making the change. But concerned I could never keep it up and wondering how many days, or hours, or even minutes, it would last once I returned. I also had my doubts. I nearly made myself sick before I returned worrying about how I was going to keep this promise to myself.

I have been back for two weeks now. I have not worked late one night. I have not "cheated" on my diet once. I have eaten breakfast and lunch every day. I have slept 8 hours every single night. I have had dinner with my husband and not checked my email while we ate. I have had dinner with my husband before 10 PM! I have had dinner with my husband on REAL plates. We have gone shopping, gone to the zoo, I have gone to get pampered at the spa....I have gone to lunch with my best friend and spent time talking to other friends. I randomly dropped by to see my sister on a Thursday night- and didn't check my email or talk on the phone while I was there. I have sent workers' after-hours calls to voice mail- and not called them back till morning. I have turned off my phone at 5:00. And two weeks later- I like the woman I see in the mirror. I take that back- I LOVE her. I am smiling- my happiness is evident to all around me. I feel so much peace. I feel so blessed. I am HAPPY. I am sticking with the promises I made to MYSELF and all areas of my life are just falling into place. The world hasn't stopped because I don't respond to email at 10 PM, 1 AM, etc., anymore. It's a miracle! :-)

I am not sure where I would have ended up if Tim McGraw hadn't put that song on the radio to save my life (oh what? You don't think that's what happened? UMPH!) and make me see the error of my ways. But it wouldn't have been pretty- that I do know.

Where I am now is where I want to stay. I take that back- I want to GROW from here. I want to take my new energy, my new freedom, my new passion for LIFE and do bigger and better things than I ever thought possible before. Before, when I was only focusing on the one area of my life that I KNEW I could bring greatness to....I was selling myself and everyone else short. Now....the possibilities are endless.

Thank you Lord for helping me see the light. Thank you for giving me the time I needed to get here. Thank you for giving me the strength to get through it all to make it to this point. Thank you for giving me the talent, the wisdom, the skill to do whatever I want and the knowledge that it is possible. And thank you for being patient and forgiving my imperfection while I took my detours to find the right path. Thank you for letting me find my way through the pain so that I could fully appreciate these feelings I have now. And thank you for loving me when I couldn't even love myself.